Am I sexually disappointing my husband?

[WantingToEducate]

We have been together for 15years and married for 9 of those. We have two children who are 8 and 5. I am mid 30’s and he is late 40’s.

My DH has always had a higher sex drive than me and although I do get the urge I would say that sex is generally initiated by him about 70% of the time. I always enjoy the sex we do have.

As an average we have sex about 1-2 times a week.

After reading posts on this board I have concluded we probably have quite a vanilla sex life, which I always thought was normal, but this board makes me think that maybe I’m just really disappointing him as the things that are so easily discussed on this board are alien to me.

I’ve just read the thread about water sports and I honestly couldn’t understand why anyone would want to do that….but then I think, is there something wrong with me because I don’t have any urges to do it?

And anal sex…..I know it’s quite a common practice but it’s never something I would want to do, and again it makes me question whether I’m not sexually ‘normal’ for not being open to it.

Another example is that I love giving oral sex to my husband but I will not let him ejaculate in my mouth - the taste and consistency of it makes me want to heave, and in fact it almost did once. Yet I see threads on here from many women talking about how much they love swallowing their husband’s cum and I just feel like there’s something wrong with me for not feeling the same. I don’t mind him cumming over parts of my body, I really enjoy that, but definitely not over my face or in my mouth.

We are going to a colleague’s birthday party this coming weekend and DH is making comments about how we could find a secluded room in the fancy venue and have sex in it. I just laughed it off as the idea of it didn’t turn me on at all. He said, “why wouldn’t we do that?” When I said it was because it would be really disrespectful to his colleague and the celebration, he just rolled his eyes at me as though he thought I was boring. It was horrible.

He’s also always grabbing me…..I can’t even wash up without him groping me from behind. It’s relentless. If I bend down to pick something up from the floor he’s behind me like a shot, grabbing my hips and simulating doggy style sex. If I’m sitting down on the sofa he will stand opposite me and start shaking his groin from side to side in my face as if to say, “blow job time.” If I walk into the garden it’s comments about Alfred on sex outside, if we are out walking at night it’s comments about having sex in alleyways, if we’re in a restaurants it’s comments about going for sex in the toilets or blow jobs under the table etc. It’s endless!

He says he’s only doing it or saying it to be funny and I need to stop taking things so seriously, but all I want to do is be able to sit down without it turning into some kind of sex parody.

I can’t even say the word ‘sausage’ in the house without him turning it into some kind of oral ex joke.

In the past he has said something along the lines of, “we’re married, you should feel comfortable enough with me to try anything.” I can kind of see the point he was making…..but it also made me feel uncomfortable as it was implying that I shouldn’t have any personal boundaries as it’s wrong for married couples not to try anything and everything that one parter wants.

One day I’m thinking he’s behaving like a sex obsessed 14 year old with all his innuendos and groping, and then another day I’m wondering if he’s doing it because he’s bored sexually.

I don’t know - I’m probably rambling.

Can anyone empathise??

There are two parts to this post.
Regarding the first, every couple/individual have different fetishes and kinks. Just because you don't like or haven't considered something, does not make you odd. If you are open to trying certain things to see if you like it or not, speak to your husband. My partner and I openly discuss fantasises so that we can establish what we would like to try or what either of us aren't really interested in. Of course, this depends on how open your lines of communication are regarding these matters.

Second issue is the constant sexualisation or sex jokes. As much as I love a dirty joke or flirty moves, that would tire me too. It is one thing to have an arm around your partner or gently touch them while working in the kitchen or be playful, but there is definitely a limit on how often it happens and in what situations. The fact that he refuses to listen to you or respect the fact that you don't actually enjoy it or find it flattering is hugely problematic. Who is it exactly fun for? Just him? So he doesn't care about your feelings on this matter? To me it appears his actions and jokes are rather juvenile and not attractive at all. Physical touches are meant to bring couples closer and keep the romance alive, not act as an irritant.
You probably need to have a sit down, frank conversation where you are refused to be dismissed or asked to calm down. Has he considered what you enjoy sexually or what works for you? Or is it always about him?

In a way I'm insanely jealous at the level of intimacy that you share; twice a week was never a thing, twice a month maybe. I know that you say you initiate maybe around 30% of the time but I actually wonder why.
It sounds like he's almost going out of his way to be a pest and make you feel both uncomfortable and inadequate, neither of which could possibly be a turn on.
If there are things that you may like to try, then why not, but don't be pushed into anything you're unsure of. The whole al fresco thing can add hugely to the thrill and if you're interested but unsure then why not build up to it?
I really can sympathise but as I said Id love this predicament

I would say he has issues he needs to address – why is he so obsessed with sex? That's for him to deal with, and it really does sound like he needs to deal with it. He needs to understand that his behaviour is adolescent and makes you less not more likely to explore.

On the other hand, one of the things about sex is that when you actually try things they turn out to be wildly exciting in ways you might never have anticipated. No one should do anything they don't want to, but equally trying things can really change your relationship for the better. There are ways to meet in the middle. Good sex is about connection, not just the orgasm. You can reach the orgasm in minutes if you want, but exploration really does enhance the connection, because it's about trust and doing things together.

On the 1st part of your post - the sex board is self selecting.
Those who are more sexually adventurous are fsr more likely to post than those who arnt
eg take blow jobs, i reckon i’ve had sex with around 30-35 women and only 4 have swallowed so around 10%. But if you look this board its more like 80%.
Thats quite a difference!!
Basically for every person on here into swinging, water sports, anal there a probably 20 who arnt and have zero interest in even looking at the sex board!

The sex pestering would be too much for me and I’d have to say something. The suggesting sex elsewhere or in a hotel I’d be open to as for me it’s important to keep things exciting for us both. Everyone has their own boundaries and those boundaries should not be ignored. It doesn’t matter whether people are swallowing cum or having anal sex, if you’re not comfortable then that’s all that matters.

I find it nice to be lusted after by my partner. The few times she has jumped me because she needs me were very enjoyable indeed. As a guy it's nice not to always be the initiator and of course there is some thrill in having intimacy in other places than the bedroom.
I also understand that constant groping and innuendos can be unwelcome and make sex seem a chore.
I think there's a happy medium for most couples.
My OH recently text me while having a meal that she was very horny and hot for me. When she came back from the bathroom she told me she was commando.
Just a small gesture made me really want her and once the baby sitter had gone it was great.
A little surprise and spontaneity is very nice occasionally and makes you feel wanted amd attractive.

That’s completely different from constant sexual gestures and will put most women off sex, no woman wants to feel constantly objectified.

@QueenVixen

That’s completely different from constant sexual gestures and will put most women off sex, no woman wants to feel constantly objectified

I totally agree, that's what I implied below.

I also understand that constant groping and innuendos can be unwelcome and make sex seem a chore.

It's definitely subjective when it comes to sex - I've no desire to engage in water sports or anal and once or twice a week is totally acceptable in my eyes. Nonetheless, for others, they will see sex daily or multiple times daily and/or water sports/anal/bondage or whatever to be part of a healthy sex life - there really is no wrong or right.

As others have said though, groping, simulating sex acts and general pestering is definitely not an attractive trait and I would go so far as saying that the majority of women would probably feel like that.

But you said it can make sex feel like a chore and can be unwelcoming, yes that’s true but if it’s constant, it’s harassment. There’s no can be unwelcome about it.

Who is Alfred in the garden?

I can see it from your partner's side because I'm like that in my relationship. Partner doesn't have much of a sex drive, he doesn't really want to try many things, doesn't really care how often we have sex, pretty vanilla all in all. Whereas I'm like tie me to the bed, do this, do that, let's try this, let's have sex now... 🤣 Possibly on your husband's part he may feel a little rejected. I can feel like that when my partner doesn't seem interested in doing much else apart from plain old vanilla sex. I sometimes wonder if he doesn't fancy me etc.

That being said I'm definitely not into watersports or anal so please don't feel like you're a bore for not liking those things! I'd suggest meeting him in the middle. Don't do anything you're really uncomfortable with or don't want to do, but is there any way you could spice it up a bit that you'd be willing to try? Even if it's sex in a different room of the house to where you'd usually do it. Some new underwear. You might even find you enjoy spicing things up a bit.

Though if you do meet him halfway I think he needs to stop making everything sexual! I can be like that to my partner but it's not something I do everytime he's around. I can see how that would get draining fast

I think I’m broadly in line with others, he definitely needs to stop being a sex pest, I can see how the jokes , comments etc are going to be a turnoff,

but if he initiates 70% of the time, you probably need to think about that, maybe he feels that you don’t have much interest in him, you do say you like the sex ?, maybe you should initiate more and take more control

Thank you everyone for your time and responses, they’ve given me a lot to think about.

o know he likes sexy lingerie and I did buy some but then I bottles out beciase im having some issues with my weight and self confidence and I thought I looked ridiculous. I am now eating healthy and losing weight (9lb so far) so I’m hoping that when I feel more comfortable in how I look I will give this a go again.

I did speak to him last night about his sex in the venue fantasy and I said that although I wouldn’t feel comfortable doing that because I don’t want to risk us getting caught (again because it’s disrespectful to the event) that I would be willing to try sex outdoors on the way home if the opportunity arose and I felt comfortable in doing it.

I spoke to him about the groping and innuendos and he said he only does it because it’s important to him that I know how attracted he is to me as he knows I have low self-esteem. I explained that sometimes it’s just too much and although his intentions may be good it’s actually having the opposite effect because I always feel like I’m expected to want to sex there and then and that it makes me more nervous than aroused.

He’s agreed to try and tone it down but I think it’s ingrained in him!

@WantingToEducate Yay, what a positive update! 😊

Off course he can control his hands, it’s not ingrained, plenty of other husbands can control their hands. He’s just acting like an entitled male.

I really don't think he gropes you constantly because of your low self-esteem. Especially if he knows you don't like it. It's a compulsion of his, and it's very likely not about you. That's not to say he doesn't desire you, just that it's his behaviour and he should take responsibility for it.

His behaviour is rather childish, you can love sex but not feel the need to turn it into some kind of panto. It also sounds to me like you are plenty adventurous enough, and willing to consider trying out new things/ locations so you shouldn’t be made to feel like some kind of uptight prude. Heck only a generation or two ago oral sex was considered disgusting by many. As to swallowing the cum, in my experience some men’s tastes worse / better than others, not much you can do about that.

i assumed it was the dreaded autocorrect kicking in on an alfresco mistype

I imagine you are disappointing him, and at some point he's going to look for sex with someone else because you're neither giving him what he needs nor open to some experimentation. I think he probably feels you're always turning him down and I bet he thinks he initiates 99% of the time...

Aussiunhomme, you sound like a troll. No need to kick the OP.

It's not kicking the OP, it's answering her question. Sugar coating an answer doesn't help.

WantingToEducate

you sound like your sexual wants and boundaries are perfectly normal and healthy , for me anyway !

and with another man you’d be perfect for him and enough x

bit I also think that whatAussiUnHomme says also is a genuine risk for you . I’m sorry to say that but I’m old and ugly enough … have seen this happen with some men I know .

im mainly concerned that he’s making you feel not ‘enough’
that’s rather sad 😞

Jesus OP. You need to spend more time on the Women's Rights board than the Sexboard by the sounds of it.

Are you sure you're not with someone underage??? I can understand how this would be amusing every now and again, but he sounds like an absolute sex pest, obsessed with it.

we’re married, you should feel comfortable enough with me to try anything

Errrm no???? Sounds like manipulative nonsense to me.

I spoke to him about the groping and innuendos and he said he only does it because it’s important to him that I know how attracted he is to me as he knows I have low self-esteem

I actually laughed at this. Definitely manipulative nonsense. You have tried to communicate your boundaries, your discomfort, and he carries on anyway and makes you like he's doing YOU a favour. Ffs. He's grim.

You however, sound very normal, although downtrodden by his dick brain.

The sex board has changed a lot over the years. I am pretty confident saying that the number of women genuinely interested in water sports as part of their sex lives is miniscule. Dont give it a second thought.

Tbh a man getting sex twice a week and only initiating 70% of the time is doing pretty well. No harm though in making sure that you initiate the way you genuinely want to, when you want to. That should be erotic for him.

As to the constant innuendo and groping your body - well, if he's really doing that to make you feel attractive, then easy peasy, it doesn't work and you don't like it. Win win! Perhaps he could just use his words and say 'you look great, you are really sexy' to you more often. Tell him to do that instead, if it appeals.

Obviously I think he's just doing what the fuck he likes and your preferences have nothing to do with it, but fair enough to give him a chance to change his behaviour.