Possible sex addiction

[Blazingunicorns]

How do I go about getting help with this? Anyone with any experience here?
My 3rd affair recently ended and I feel enough is enough. I don’t want to rely on these situations anymore to make me feel ok. I recognise I have a problem so please don’t bash me! Constructive advice would be much appreciated. I’m a woman, if that matters.

I guess you need to see a psychologist and get to the bottom of why you're doing it. Very low self esteem will be at the centre of it I expect and childhood trauma of some sort. Personality disorders could possibly cause that sort of risky behaviour and desperation for attention. Can you afford to go private and get some sort of diagnosis? You could be waiting a very long time to get anywhere otherwise.

Thanks for replying. Yes I’m pretty sure I have low self esteem, and childhood trauma to some extent. I’m not sure about a personality disorder but I certainly use the affairs to cope with a not so great relationship. I know I should have left but we have kids to think about. Also I definitely cannot afford to go private unfortunately.

I think you might find it really hard to get far with a dr unless you have more 'wrong' with you than having affairs because you're in an unhappy marriage. I don't think they will probably see that as a medical problem even if it is actually a symptom of one.

It sounds like you feel quite trapped in your relationship because you have children - do you have supportive parents you could turn to or even live with? I think it's really hard when you find yourself trapped in a marriage with children if you're not either a really high earner yourself or you don't have a really supportive family IMO. I'm sorry I really don't know what the answer is beyond 'you need to leave the relationship', I know that's not always easy with children though. Just how unhappy is the marriage? Could you phone up Women's aid and see if you can get any help or support there?

My parents are supportive but not to the extent that I could move in with them. One positive thing is that I’ve recently started working, it’s minimum wage but at least it gives me some sort of independence.
Our marriage has ups and downs, but the downs are really not good. Currently it’s ok but I’m not sure how long for.
Thanks for the recommendation for women’s aid, I will have a chat with them asap.

Ups and downs are normal in any relationship but what do you mean when saying the downs are "not good"?
Is this a way of down playing dv?

There have been instances of DV in the past yes. And historic alcoholism on his part. He gets angry if I don’t do things his way so I find myself mostly just doing them for an easy life. I think he has control issues.

I can't stress enough how damaging being brought up in a household where addiction, violence and control are present, please factor this into any decision as to whether or how long you remain.
As for you, you're not happy. Living with the behaviour of a violent controlling addict is only going to make and esteem issues worse, as will the affairs. If relationship counselling and individual counseling won't work for you both then you only have one strikingly obvious answer

Seeking validation outside an unsatisfactory relationship and sex addiction are not remotely the same thing. Enjoying sex and finding it emotionally fulfilling is not a bad thing.

And for the sake of balance, excessive alcohol use is not the same as addiction either, even if it negatively impacts on other people. (I say that as someone who drank far too much gin straight after the school run when I was in a sole destroying marriage.)

We know very little about your situation, so its difficult to offer any real advice. Seeking counselling might help (or not - it made things worse for me, but that's not common) and although NHS mental health services have huge waiting lists, your GP might be able to help with a referral. Just be aware that you'll probably only get ½doz sessions, and that's not a lot of time to work on big stuff. That said, at best, a counsellor will only help you feel able to make your own decisions - they shouldn't tell you whether you should stay in your marriage unless someone is actively at risk.

Try to be objective about what you have and what you want fom life. If a fulfilling sexual relationship is part of that, that's fine. If you're having affairs as an act of regaining a sense of control, there's probably a better path to follow.

Hi. I'm a man, and I work the 12-step programme with SLAA (Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous - slaauk.org). I had become addicted to chatrooms, and then that progressed into real life encounters. What I've realised in the rooms is that no matter how different the manifestations of the addiction are – moving from relationship to relationship; inability to commit; serial infidelity; staying in bad relationships; sex workers; porn , whatever – most addicts are seeking affirmation and validation. That's the real addiction. Many have been through other fellowships, especially drugs and alcohol, before realising that their real problem was trying to fill the gaping void inside them. Many of us have similar pasts – there's a lot of childhood sexual abuse, parental attachment issues, adolescent trauma – but what unites us is the understanding of how it has shaped our lives.

SLAA, unlike other 12-step fellowships, is not about giving up something entirely. It's about trying to find a healthy approach to sex and love. I could simply not get enough love; I needed to be needed more than any human could possibly need me. I nearly destroyed my marriage; I had a complete breakdown when my addiction was discovered, catastrophically. Working the steps – and seeing a therapist who specialises in addiction – has enabled me to sort out so much of my shit. I am able to get enough from the world not to need all that validation now. My mind used to be like a Hieronymous Bosch hellscape – now it's not.

Obviously, there are still shadows in our marriage, which I put there. But I am happier than ever before; in so many ways our marriage is better than ever before (after 26 years!). There's still work to do, but I am confident in our future now. And also, because I am now free of shame of secrets, we can talk honestly about sex and love and our sex life is better and more exciting than ever before. It sounds like that might not be your future, but you might very well find yourself able to pursue the life and relationships you want, instead of staying in one that doesn't work. One of the crucial things I learned was how not to be afraid of being alone – I moved out of the house for four months, the first time I had ever lived alone, which terrified me, but which turned out to be better for me than I could possible imagine.

If you go to SLAA, you'll likely be put off by all the talk about god. Don't be. It's not about embracing religion, it's about putting your faith and trust in something bigger than yourself – a higher power of your understanding. I won't talk too much more about that, because you'll think I'm mental. But the easiest way to describe it as I now think of myself as an atheist who has faith. I know that makes no sense, but it works for me.

I'm lucky to live in London, where there are lots of face-to-face meetings, but if you are somewhere where that is impossible, there are Zoom meetings all the time – and you can join ones anywhere in the world for that. It is also worth finding a therapist who understands (and accepts the existence of) sex addiction – the Laurel Centre has therapists around the country. Maybe get yourself some of the books by Paula Hall.

Whatever you choose, I wish you good luck. Your life can change. Mine has, and I say the miracles of recovery in every meeting. People who came into the rooms, as I did, in tears and wondering whether it was worth staying alive, and who now feel grateful for the life they have.

Each meeting ends with a reading of the promises, and for those of us who work the programme they come true:

1. We will regain control of our lives.
2. We will begin to feel dignity and respect for ourselves.
3. The loneliness will subside and we will begin to enjoy being alone.
4. We will no longer be plagued by an unceasing sense of longing.
5. In the company of family and friends, we will be with them in body and mind.
6. We will pursue interests and activities that we desire for ourselves.
7. Love will be a committed, thoughtful decision rather than a feeling by which we are overwhelmed.
8. We will Love and Accept ourselves.
9. We will relate to others from a state of wholeness.
10. We will extend ourselves to nurture our own spiritual growth and that of others.
11. We will make peace with our past and make amends to those we have harmed.
12. We will be thankful for what has been given us, what has been taken away and what has been left behind.

PS Don't let yourself be judged. You've admitted you have a problem, which most people never do. That's an amazing first step to recovery. And do not listen to anyone who says sex addiction is made up. There are addictions all over the place, it's just most of them aren't destructive so don't get labelled as such – I know people who go cycling three times a week and get really down if they can't ride. No one can convince me they aren't addicts. One thing my therapist said at the beginning of my recovery was, "You will lose friends and you will gain friends, and in both cases who they are will surprise you." That's absolutely been the case. My oldest friend, of 33 years, stopped talking to me. What I learned from that is that he was never a real friend, because he could not engage with me except when I was bringing "the bantz". Whereas other people, with whom my relationship was fine but not close, have become very good friends to me. You'll find that honesty begets honesty from others, and you'll be able to build strong relationships with the right people based on that.

Good luck! I'm rooting for you. x