The first time after a traumatic birth/PTSD

[Mimsthemum]

Hi mums (and maybe dads too!)

I had a bit of a traumatic birth with my firstborn nearly 5 months back now. DH and I still haven't had sex. It's been a bit of difficult 5 months for me - I struggled with anxiety and PTSD and couldn't touch myself or the episiotomy scar, I have been trying to improve some mild incontinence and lower back pain too. Physically I amquite terrible too - I weigh just shy of 100kg (on a 5'3 frame. I am actively working on getting back to my pre-pandemic weight of 60kg), I have found it tricky to stay on top of moisturising etc and feel like I have reptilian skin and then now my pregnant belly isn't in the way anymore, I can see dark stretch marks go from the sides of my belly all the way down to my pubic area.

I feel pretty rotten about the way I look. DH has been truly lovely and says lovely complimentary things almost everyday about my appearance/me in general (despite me feeling like a scarecrow!) Anyway, I think especially because of the PTSD DH hasn't at all tried anything remotely sexual let alone flirty. I feel like that dynamic between us is so far gone it's almost like we're new people. We're still both very loving and caring towards each other but I feel almost shy or embarrassed to do or say anything sexual. I don't know how to get back to sex/lovemaking... Any advice!?

I'm so sorry you've had such a tough time. Communication and connection are always what I need to be close... Could you agree to start with cuddling in bed with some level of touch (non-sexual or otherwise) to rediscover some intimacy? Even if it takes a while to move on from that, you can learn that your DH enjoys you and your body as you are.

Massage might also feel good. Looking after my skin always makes me feel better... I've been unwell lately (and gained some weight) and my partner sometimes applies body lotion for me, in low light so I'm comfortable. It multitasks both physical connection and skincare :)

Therapy for PTSD might also be a good thing to consider, when you feel ready

I had an awful birth with pelvic floor damage and it took me months until I felt comfortable touching myself again. To be honest, I felt much more comfortable figuring out my 'new' body on my own and what felt safe in order to orgasm. I think it was 4 months before I did that, and around the 5 or 6 month mark before I felt comfortable attempting intercourse again.

After DC2 (who was a section) it was more like 10 months before I felt any desire and we didn't have sex until after DC2 was 1!

You’re still early days. I think it took me 9months. We have a great sex life now. It was just a really rough recovery for me and I felt traumatised on every level. DH felt traumatised too.
Give it time, talk even when it’s painful and don’t give up hope. It will get so much better.