I am going crazy without regular sex :(

[cokecanann]

I think this is an common issue but I am in a position where my sex drive which has always been high and my husband's is pretty low plus he has had some ED. I think it is understandable as his job is very stressful, he was diagnosed with high blood pressure and he had a bereavement last year with all the stuff that goes with that house clearing, dealing with lawyers plus a few other nasty surprises. When we do have sex he hasn't been attending to himself either so if he is up for it he finishes very quickly like almost as soon as he penetrates me.

I want to give him more time but it often feels like he isn't that bothered about sex, he was probably always on the lower side for a man but between having sex 2 or 3 times a week and me topping myself up on my own I was satisfied. Now I feel like I am going out of my mind. I am aroused all the time and think of sex all the time. The other night we were watching a movie (just a normal movie) and when DH went out to go to the loo and get us some drinks I had to masturbate in that 5 minute interval. I am looking at men all the time wondering who may or may not be up for shagging me, neighbours, my husbands friends, his brothers friends, not seriously but I feel so frustrated I often wonder if there are men I know in the same boat as me. I don't want anyone else emotionally but I need sex.

I have thought about getting toys which I don't usually use but I had a rabbit in the past and didn't enjoy it much but some kind of wand or clit stimulator might be nice. I do masturbate a lot, always have but rather than satisfying me the masturbation seems to be making me worse and I think it's because what I really need is a good old fashioned shag.

Just looking for some advise from people in the same kind of boat on how to get through this, another idea was to get some kind of ssri to dampen down my sex drive but at the same time I want to enjoy my sexuality while I can.

I joined the gym and started lifting heavy weights. My libido was getting ridicuolous before that.

@MistyTrains So does that really help? I was going to body pump a few years ago but stopped because I was having spontaneous orgasms during the sit ups / press ups section and I thought it was making it worse. However I will look into that avenue.

Heavy weights with progressive overload, yes. Although there are hotties to look at in the gym.

@MistyTrains I will try it but everything I am reading says that lifting increases sex drive and libido! However I can see it could be a way to channel that energy.

For some reason this all puts me in mind of the Bonzo's Mr Apollo and Viv's line "two separate gorillas".
(See YouTube)
Luckily I don't frequent gyms. They sound positively dangerous.

lol perhaps you are missing out!

I don't know, I'm so completely spent after a heavy lifting session that it's no longer the first thing on my mind and I go three times a week...by the time I recover it is the next workout.

I can definitely recommend a wand. I had a rabbit for many years and I liked that but I only ever used the ears for clit stimulation. It doesn’t substitute actual sex but it’s very good and I can have multiple orgasms with it (with a bit of volume down after each one then back to it). I’ve never had multiple orgasms through PIV but my ideal is a partner and a wand! Why not see if your partner is willing to ensure you’re satisfied even if he doesn’t want sex?

I'm in a similar boat, partner has a much lower sex drive than me and isn't really fussed on trying anything in the bedroom. In fact foreplay barely exists, never mind anything else. He also has ED but bizarrely it seems to come and go. Sometimes there's no issue and other times there is. Maybe that's normal, I don't know much about ED.

The way we've crossed that bridge definitely isn't for everyone! He brought up one day totally of his own accord that I can go and have sex with whoever I like (within reason obviously) as he knows he can't give me fully what I need in the bedroom. It's essentially consensual non monogamy but on my side, as he doesn't want to go off himself and sleep with others. I haven't actually gone out and done anything yet but it's an option that's there if I ever wanted to.

Exercise can also lift your libido, well it does for me and I am a 60 year old bloke.

I feel for you op, I'm in a similar boat. I find that when I'm ovulating I am ridiculously horny to the point where it really affects my mood and concentration. It would be great if regular sex was on tap at this time but sadly a dh with ED issues makes it impossible. I get very frustrated and down during these few days and often wonder what it would be like if I had a dh able to fulfil my needs. Feels very depressing having to see to oneself.

@hungrycaterpilla22 Thanks for the solidarity, got rejected again this morning and now he's been in a bad mood all day because I brought it up. I think he just wants me never to mention sex ever again but I don't want this to be the end of my sex life.

@rach971 I really don't think that other people is the answer for us if I am honest as tempting as it is. I imagine my feelings would get involved and I would feel like he just didn't love me anymore if he was happy for other men to sleep with me.

@Zanatdy It is an idea to see if me playing with some toys might get him interested but I am feeling very rejected right now, confidence though the floor really so that will have to be for another time.

@cokecanann I'm sorry you were rejected, I know how soul destroying it is. It really does create such a distance between you because you don't want to initiate it or even discuss it and suddenly it's a massive elephant in the room. It's so frustrating and it really can affect your confidence and self worth.

I suspect your dh feels inadequate and embarrassed but that's still not an excuse to give you the cold shoulder.

I just think that sex is so natural and it should come easily in a loving, long term couple. My dh knows all of my embarrassing medical issues, has seen me naked and give birth and basically knows everything about me. So why is such a normal, natural thing so difficult for us to communicate about?

@hungrycaterpilla22 Yes it is soul destroying and yes it just becomes this big painful unspoken thing between us. I just cringe every time on a tv show when a couple talk about not having sex anymore. I never thought that would be us. I think you are right about how he feels and I think his male pride is hurt and so it is easier just not to talk about it. I guess I am also scared to ask at times in case he says he just doesn't love me or fancy me anymore because that feels like it would be the end. Why does it have to be such a can of worms as you say it should be so easy and fun 😥

Yes that's how it should be but it's not always the case. I wish I'd known about my dh issues before we got serious. In the beginning he was different and I didn't even know he used viagra until about 1.5 years into the relationship. Even then it was only because I stumbled on them, he's never been honest and open about things.

Does your dh acknowledge his ED issues? Has he tried to improve things with viagra or other medication? Or is he burying his head?

I really do think the only way is to sit down and very calmly discuss it with him. Don't be critical or negative about it but tell him honestly how it makes you feel. Because communication truly is the only way through these things. Silent resentment is so damaging.

@hungrycaterpilla22 I'm sorry your Dh wasn't honest with you about his issues that isn't fair at all. I have been with my DH since we were both young so these issues are new. He is burying his head a bit hoping that things will right themselves or that I'll stop asking.

We do need to talk about it but today is not the day I don't think. It is natures cruel joke that men seem to develop these issues just as women's sex drive goes though the roof!

Unpopular opinion - but I think it's marriage that's the cruel joke tbh.

Well you are entitled to your opinion, I still love him though and he isn't having the best time at the moment. Everyone is different sex is important but I suppose other things are more important.