What is he up to?

[Mummytoofour]

A few months ago I saw a porn page open on DH phone, confronted him there & then and he said it was a pop up! (It was on his private safari page)

last week he decides to shave around his penis area - I asked him why he’s done this as in our 15years of marriage he’s never done it. He had no answer.

last night he decided to have a wank holding my foot/stoking my legs - I could not even bare to look at him, I knew exactly what he was doing under the covers & once he was done I just walked off & have given him attitude since! I’m so pissed off with him! I haven’t even spoken to him about it, because I know when I do he’ll just deny it!

again in the whole time we’ve been married he’s never wanked in front of me & I’ve never known him to have done it alone anytime.

am I missing something here?

when I confronted him about the porn he was adamant he wasn’t watching it. (Although I’m sure he’s lying)

Im really hurt & don’t know what exactly to say/do.

If your boundary is no porn then fair enough, but i do think most men watch it from time to time. How is your sex life? It's normal for men to masturbate and that's fine as long as it doesn't interfere with your sex life. I would, however, have an issue if my partner thought I was asleep and had a wank whilst touching my feet / legs. That would make my stomach turn to be honest. We have masturbated Infront of each other, and that's fine with mutual consent but under the covers, touching the person whilst asleep is disgusting in my eyes. Why did you not just ask him what he was doing in the moment? Or as soon as the movement stopped - there's no denying it if he's got a hand/tissue/sock/condom full of semen!

Could it be that your sex life is not what it was and he is looking to porn to make up for it?

It does sound very much like you really need to have a conversation about your relationship and sex life.
I take it from your repeated use of the word "confront" that you have an objection to porn and either were of the opinion that DH shared this or you think he should. Your words around masturbation suggest a similar take there too.
If this is the case, you'll need to take care not to allow your opinions to be a barrier to communication between you and your DH otherwise you'll be wasting your time.

Sorry OP I too dont like the way "confront" is used more than once, get the impression its your way or no way (quote - have given him attitude since!). Sounds like a one way conversation.

I don’t agree with the porn tbh. It makes me feel disgusted and if that’s something he wants to do then i don’t think I can stay with him. Getting a thrill over other women, it’s the same as cheating in my opinion!
if he can’t watch porn and look at other women etc then he must look at women in the real world like that too!

Our sex life hasn’t been great anyway (that’s what I think anyway I don’t know how it is in peoples relationships). We have sex maybe once in 4-6weeks. That’s because of him, I have a high sex drive he doesn’t seem too. However he can sit & watch porn and masturbate! Expects a BJ but doesn’t know how to return oral himself, although we discussed this in the beginning of our relationship and he said he do oral.

Have you considered that his preference would be intimacy with you?

No, I don't get it.
I'm in a relationship where she's no interest and would have very strong opinions on porn. In fairness the idea of watching other people having sex when the one person I want to be intimate with won't doesn't fill me with joy

I’m always up to having intimacy with him but seems like he has other ideas! When ever I initiate it, he seems to turn around and go to sleep or I get the feeling he doesn’t want to as he moves my hand away.

I’m female and I watch porn sometimes, not because I’m looking at the guy but because watching the sex turns me on. So just because he watches porn doesn’t mean he’s getting off on the women’s bodies. Maybe you’re mismatched, you seem to find both porn and masturbation abhorrent when both really aren’t (in my opinion) so maybe you’re not a good match and worth ending things. If I was ‘confronted’ for masturbating I’d be walking anyway

Starting the conversation is the problem. How do I even bring this up without it turning into a row? He goes from 1-100 within seconds

Keep trying and let him know that you're not accusing him of anything. If he's not going to work with you though, thats on him and you need to do whatever it is that doesn't condemn you to the misery of persistent rejection.

How do I even bring this up without it turning into a row

It sounds like you want a row

It's probably not that accurate to equate the porn with cheating, but there definitely seems to be something missing here. The wanking/foot thing is a bit strange. If my wife held my foot while while wanking I burst out laughing. Probably worth a good chat I think, start from scratch and work your way through. Just agree before not to give each other the 'nuke' treatment.

Last night I was sitting across the room to him, he was what seemed like texting/emailing away (basically typing on his phone) with a smirk on his face.
he doesn’t have any friends so I’m wondering what he was doing. We have access to each others phone so this morning while he was getting ready for work I did go to check his phone. There’s literally nothing!
no text, WhatsApp message, email, notes, social media messages.
what could of be been doing? That’s now something else that’s going to play on my mind!

He's probably putting messages on mumsnet!

LMAO!

You may never find anything if he’s deleting stuff as he goes.

And yes, you never know!

If you're at the point where you feel constructive communication is no longer possible, you're seeking to "confront" him and you've completely lost trust then I think your path is fairly clearly laid out for you

Your relationship sounds dead in the water to me. There's no trust and you feel unable to have a conversation with him about your concerns. Your sex life is the least of your worries.