Lost erection

[missL1987]

I have been with my BF for around 2 years, both in our thirties, we don't live together & for various reasons only see each other a couple of times a week, not ideal but we make it work, we pretty much have sex every time we see each other.
He is the most confident / experienced & generally initiates. Although I struggle with confidence I'm always willing & try my best to keep things interesting & not let him do all the work.
The last time two times we had sex he has lost his erection. Both times after giving me oral. The first time he made an excuse about needing to pee, we picked things back up but it wasnt great. The second time, being an insecure woman, I got very upset & immediatley blamed myself, my head was telling me it had to be my fault, he's not in to me anymore etc, he tried to reassure me that wasnt the case.
I'm not really sure where to go from here. My confidence has taken a huge hit & I feel like he will be under huge pressure next time & its going to end up being a disaster. Any advice?

Are you using condoms at all? If so, it could be worth investigating size and fit.

Sometimes it can be too tight and restrict bloodflow to the penis. I have had that happen to me. You can feel very hard and raring to go but soon after insertion you can lose your erection and not feel much sensation.

This then causes the same feelings you have experienced. Trust me it isn't easy.

I think you're being too hard on yourself thinking that it's you and focusing on your insecurities. I bet he was feeling worse.

Things that can have an effect - stress, pressure to 'perform' in the moment, alcohol, not enough sleep.

Also it can hard to have the feeling of 'control' and have to hold off the feeling of ejaculation in order to satisfy you.

Spontaneous or risky sex can help where speed is of the essence. A quick two or three minutes of fucking before being caught or seen could work wonder also.

Next time you see him I would wear something sexy - bonus points if you tease him before with some build up sexting - then wank him off quickly and let him shoot onto your clothes or body. This helps build the sexual connection and lets his mind connect you and your body to his physical sensations in his penis.

Once you've made him come a few times that way, it will become easier for him to come inside you. I can only speak from experience but a bit of dirty talk also really helps me. Nothing sexier than being told to come from my wife. and urging me to get there.

I hope some of this can help you. Bravo for talking about it.

Hi there ☺️ couldn't read this and not reply as I've been in a similar situation. When I met my current partner, for the first 6+ months I thought he was so confident in the bedroom dept & I knew he was experienced so I think I thought experience= confidence. Not the case apparently! He lost his erection a couple of times and like you, I took it personally, it had never happened to me before and I thought it must be how I looked/wasn't enough to keep him stimulated/do I smell. So many thoughts! What I can tell you - he felt worse than I did! I'm quite straight to the point though and although he didn't want to talk about it as it's not manly and it's embarrassing, if it affects OUR sex life...sorry but we have to talk honestly about it. It came out that he has performance anxiety...you lose a few erections and get it in your head that it's gonna happen again, so it does..and it's a horrendous cycle to break. Could he have some performance anxiety? My partner also lost/loses erections when giving me oral - again I took it personally at first but he assures me it's just because he's concentrating on what he's doing, hes enjoying it and is turned on but he gets lost in what he's doing and therefore the erection goes. It could've been that? Also, just to add because the comment above mine says about sexting and building up anticipation... performance anxiety means that planned sex can cause anxiety because the pressure to perform gets in their head. I've learnt that the hard way, tried to spice things up with some naughty texts or a whisper in the ear about what I want later....he got in his head because he then felt that he HAD to perform later, and that he'd let me down if he didn't get or stay hard which led to that happening. So maybe find the cause...it could be random, it could be stress, tiredness, it could be performance anxiety but knowing the trigger will help. He should know whats happening, he just might need a nudge to talk about it.

It's more common than you may realise. Happened to me and partner took it the wrong way, I reassured her it's not her fault and that these things happen. She is 100% fine with it and we both take the piss out of my dick if it happens which luckily it's v often. I often lose it while giving oral so after I've finished giving oral if it isn't erect I just ask her to give a help in hand waking it back up.

@shortnotsweet1 Thanks so much for your reply, it's made me feel better!
He did actually say afterwards it was because he'd been so focused on me he'd just lost it, when your in the moment its difficult to believe anything other than what your head is telling you though. He's also been dealing with a lot of stress caused by ex so could be an element of that too

I'd just make sure he knows that although you took it personally at the time, you understand that these things happen and if it does happen it's not a big deal. My boyfriend still worries about losing it 2.5 years in, even though I've told him it's not the end of the world if it happens! But I think they put alot of pressure on their penises to not let us down and sometimes that pressure does the opposite of what they want! I'm such an overthinker, I told my boyfriend I'm glad I'm not a man as I'd never sustain an erection cos I'd always be worrying 🤣🤣

Can’t you just return the favour and give him a BJ to get his erection going again? Oral can take sometime and I guess it’s normal, as long as you can get him aroused again. Pretty sure the guy I was seeing earlier this year needed some penis attention to get hard enough for sex after oral, which is fine as he always started with oral (me) so I was happy to give him some oral before we had intercourse

Erections are not permanent, they do go from time to time, it’s no big deal really

it won’t be anything you are doing , if he is in the mood it will soon return

But my point was about performance anxiety. You're correct in that if it happens once then fuck you worry it will happen again.
So saying 'i want you to fuck me later' well that's just piling on the pressure for him.
But my point was to try some sexting and get him turned on and hard, but to NOT have intercourse, but to take the pressure off, but just wank him off.
He can come OK, he just needs to feel free to get there and come inside you.
So work towards that but wank him off a few times - take the pressure off PiV a bit.