Filming

[OfcourseitsaNC]

FWB and I had a chat a couple of months ago about him wanting to film us having sex, and film me giving him a BJ. I said that was fine with me.

Last month we were having sex and he said afterwards he wished he'd filmed. I said again I would be good with that.

Having sex a couple of days ago, he picked up his phone mid sex and started recording. He filmed during the BJ I was giving him, then later again during PIV.

It made me feel uncomfortable that he didn't ask in the moment before filming. Whilst I carried on, it did throw me off my stride quite a lot, as I was trying to weigh up if what he was doing was non consensual.

I raised it with him after. He understood that I felt he'd been a bit off not asking again in the moment, but he also said he didn't think he'd need to, as I'd already said twice I'd be fine with it.

So my question is, do you think asking prior to filming every time is a little unnecessary for the future? I would have no qualms asking him to stop if I felt uncomfortable, and I know he would.

And as a side note, I found it very embarrassing to watch back! Squirmed more during the BJ as my face was in it. The PIV could have been anyone, so less cringy to watch. Just me who hates watching themselves have sex on camera?

I fully understand your reticence about filming.
I think it's the fact that it could be on the internet for ever without your permission.
Recording footage of you and your partner having sex is a real minefield of agreement that could go horribly wrong in the future, personally its not something I would agree to.

I think saying that you wouldn't mind being filmed at some point in the future is one thing. Him whipping out his phone two months later without asking first is another thing entirely.

You said you were happy to be filmed?

I was happy when it was an abstract thought in the future. When in the moment, it threw me that he didn't ask there and then if I was comfortable.

Consent only applies to the situation you are in at the time, it is not everlasting. So he acted without consent. No excuses, 100% unnaceptable.

She said it during an abstract discussion months ago, many people say they're open to trying something in the future, threesomes for example, it doesn't mean the partner suggesting the threesome can just produce a third person in the bedroom with no further discussion.

OP could have wanted to set some boundaries, such as only being recorded on her own phone where she has more control over who sees it and having the ability to delete footage of herself whenever she wants without having to rely on it. Op may have not wanted to be identifiable in the vids either or only wanted to be filmed during certain positions. He wouldn't know though because he didn't take the time to discuss before whipping his phone out to record her.

OP, I'd say you need to speak to him because he's likely to just get the camera out whenever now, he's taken your abstract discussion as automatic consent for whenever he wants to record. If you're open to being recorded again in future then have a chat with him and set any boundaries you need to, tell him you want to always be asked before he starts recording you and it's also ok when you see him next to ask him to delete any footage you're uncomfortable with how you look, and make sure its deleted from his recently deleted folder too. If he's respectful and cares about your comfort he won't try and change your mind about deleting anything.

It's not something I'd be ok with existing because I would be very distressed if they ended up being seen by anyone but my dh and even then id cringe like fuck. I don't like having normal photos taken. I've also known a few people in real life have private videos accessed by someone else, and it's not necessarily in a revenge after a break up thing either. My friend once sent her dad a photo of her dh wanking among ten photos of a deceased family pet. 😬

Also...insist on he uses your phone in future so it's safe in your hands in you break up.

@QuaversAndRedbull He deleted the footage afterwards when I spoke with him after watching, without me prompting or asking.

I didn't think about asking him to delete his recently deleted folder. Didn't occur to me.

He was clear post watching that if he wants to film again, a quick ask if he can before he does is what's required. Your post has prompted me to revisit the conversation next time I see him so that he knows to make sure my face is never on screen.

I think OP sounds like she's not OK. I wouldn't risk it at all.