Advice/thoughts please!

[papasmurfdontpreach]

Hi all, just wondered what the general consensus is on poor first time sex with a new partner. Do you generally accept that it's the first time so not everything will flow, and keep on trying? Or do you find that if the chemistry is off from the start it's not worth the effort?

I left a dead bedroom marriage 3 years ago, my ex could never really finish due to antidepressants which I found frustrating, so we didn't bother by the end. I'm highly sexed so it was a big deal to me but his libido had never really matched mine. I think I'm wary of getting into anything like that again, so since then I have dated and slept with a few people and if the sex was bad that was it for me. A few were a total dud in bed so we went no further than the 1 time as I wasn't invested enough to try again. The next few was all pretty incredible sex from the get go, so I'm now thinking have I just got lucky with those or is that the sexual chemistry I need to keep looking for? It's been a long time since I actually met anyone I truly fancied, and my recent bloke is so funny, gorgeous, I fancied him immediately, have a good connection, he's acting like he fancies me and very flirty over text...but in person seems to lack any kind of 'moves'...he likes kissing but doesn't know what to do with his hands or how to escalate. Eventually after a few dates I took control and we had sex but he just wasn't able to finish, either through PIV, handjob from me, or even himself. He also wouldn't really talk about it which is what I'm finding hard. I'm totally open about sex but get that not everybody is like that or can be so open. Maybe he was nervous, though I asked him and he denied it, maybe he's inexperienced, but has been in relationships before (so he says). He obviously knew it wasn't going to happen for him, just changed the subject then we went off out to our dinner plans and he never referenced it again. Could be he's on medication, got death grip/porn addiction, something else. Didn't act flirty or at all into me afterwards, but asked me out again for next weekend 🤷🏻‍♀️.

So I suppose I'm wondering generally speaking is it worth not mentioning and trying again? Or perhaps try to talk about it again? I feel like my attraction to him has shrivelled away now, as my partners pleasure is a huge turn on for me, but in all other aspects he is a great date and I'm wondering if I'd be too hasty not seeing him again and am making a judgement based on past experiences rather than giving it a fair try.

I wouldn’t bother with another chance. It would be different if he were communicative during and after sex, explained that he was nervous or inexperienced, reassured you that it was a him problem, asked you to show him what you like etc - it might take some effort but all of those things can be worked with. Somebody who is poor at communication, has loads of hang ups around sex, isn’t interested in asking what their partner likes can’t be, and he falls into the latter group because his preference seems to be to deny that it was bad and pretend that there wasn’t a problem.

That you’re already considering just giving him another chance and “not mentioning it” doesn’t bode well. Men get away with being consistently bad in bed because too many women don’t mention it. This is what he’s banking on getting away with with you.

Thanks for your thoughts @ComtesseDeSpair that's been my usual stance - if they can't be bothered then I'm instantly over it, bye, next. But as I said it's so rare for me to find anyone attractive lately I was wondering if I'm being hasty. Friends have also said in the past that the first time is not always great, it can build etc, don't throw the baby out with the bath water kind of thing...but I'm doubtful it's possible to build on this with someone who can't or won't communicate.

As you say, at no point was he even attempting the 'it's not you it's me'. Just nothing, then no real answer when I tried to broach it. I'm fairly body confident though I know I'm not perfect of course, so it didn't cross my mind to feel insecure at the time, but now I think about it maybe he just wasn't that into me (so why ask for another date?) but even some lip-service reassurance would have been nice. Before we were undressed and over texts in between dates he was always very complimentary, but during and the awkward aftermath, nada.

The guy is a tinder date and we both had 'short term' for intentions and we'd discussed both not looking for anything serious. From that I assumed he would be experienced with women, just because the awesome sexual partners I've had previously were the same dynamic. My most recent FWB was sort of the perfect package from the very first time (big, limber, skilled, could finish and still remain hard as long as I needed) so I was thinking perhaps my expectations of new guy were too high and some clumsiness is actually to be expected.

He has issues with sex, is shit in bed and can’t communicate. I really wouldn’t bother. You‘ve had bad sex for years, why put yourself through that again with someone you hardly know.

There’s plenty of attractive men to have good relationships with. Don’t settle for this rubbish man.

I agree that initial clumsiness is to be expected (or at least understood) and that the first time isn’t usually brilliant – but how people respond to that is what’s important, and because good sex is so much about communication, people who can’t communicate or don’t want to acknowledge a problem usually make it far too difficult to get past the initial clumsiness.

If you do want to give him another chance, then don’t do so on the back of “not mentioning” the bad sex and hoping that it just gets better. Tell him outright that good sex and good sexual communication are important to you and you want to talk about what you both like in bed. Perhaps some sexy phone chat telling each other what turns you on. That you’d like him to do XYZ for you next time and is he has turned in by that as you are. If he’s enthusiastic then sure, give him a second chance to improve. If he’s reluctant and acts as if it’s all too much a chore and an embarrassment, then bin him off. It doesn’t matter how attractive he is and how much you fancy him if that doesn’t actually lead anywhere sexy.

My advice would be to move on. There are tonnes of guys that are both nice to go on dates with, who will knock your socks off in bed. It’s just a matter of time before you met him.

From past experience and I dare say this is common, the first time can either be mind blowing or it can be difficult as you are unsure how you are going to react to each other. I think it is probably more difficult as you age as you are maybe unsure etc.

However that said the second and third time I noticed a real positive difference in the experience.

Good luck OP

Some mixed responses here and in my DMs as well, it's about 50/50 just as I am! Thank you, I appreciate all your thoughts.

He's very good at being flirty and hot over text so I was definitely expecting some more sizzle not the fizzle. I suppose I'm currently thinking as I have no other potentials lined up at the mo it may be worth another shot. But it's also a lot of effort if it's going to fall flat again. I might be blunt and initiate a text convo about it, as he clearly isn't willing to discuss it in person. But that also seems really immature and I haven't got the time or patience to end up being his bloody sex tutor.

@papasmurfdontpreach I'd give him a chance to be an adult and discuss with you over text and if he doesn't want to discuss, then ditch him. Life is all about having a good porking, especially if your shopping on tinder, all be It, the first time Isn't always perfect. He should want to discuss though and explain, I would as a bloke, and be open if things weren't as good as they might be. He might have entirely legitimate reasons for not being great in bed, so chat over text, before pulling the plug.

Thanks @DGConsultant I've sent him a text so we'll see.

@papasmurfdontpreach
I have found 1st times to be difficult with new partners ( female), as they can be just as nervous and not really communicate what they do and don’t want & the sex can be crap TBH

HOWEVER
I’m not the youngest man in the world either and there are times when I know I’m probably not going to be able to finish, not really sure where I’m going with this, but if a partner was judging me on my ability to ejaculate i would probably not like to continue to see them.

I'm not judging the ability to ejaculate or not @NoDatingFor0ldMen it's more the lack of any kind of communication about it. Thank you for your thoughts though. Fair enough for either male or female partner, if it's not going to happen, then no issue, even though obviously climax is the ideal outcome. If I know I'm not getting there I'll just be open about it, let my partner know, but also still be sure to let them know I'm enjoying things, show them what I like, and it's not a big deal, but for him to just say absolutely nothing and totally change the subject when I tried to gently approach it, is where I'm struggling to see if a second go is worth it. If he's just not that into me sexually that's fine, we can each move along, or maybe he's not that bothered about sex in general, in which case why the focus on it during the build up over our dates and why arrange a follow up date for next weekend and ask me to make sure I kept in touch over this week?

Also he's young(ish), early to mid 30s, so delayed/no ejaculation was not necessarily something I'd assume would be on the cards in a way that I'd perhaps be more aware of with an older partner.

To be fair DE can affect men of any age, not just us old farts.

for some men it’s a chronic condition, for others it’s due to meds (as you know), for some men it’s a temporary stress related thing ( I had a DE for a while in my 30’s when I was made redundant).

but obviously if is sex isn’t working (and he won’t communicate about it ), move on.