Holiday Blues

[TimeForNC]

Name changed, sorry.

I'm at my wits end. I’m currently on holiday with my OH and DC (9 y/o). We’re nearing the end of our 2 week break and once more it has been a holiday without intimacy. Some background; we have have had what can only be described as a very infrequent sex life for 10+ years. I have raised the topic gently and sensitively on many occasions including this current holiday (in a lighthearted way), with the promise of change from my OH. However, here I am again on our 7th or 8th 2 week holiday without any form of intamacy / sex. I am expected to deal with it and put a brave face on despite the damage it is doing / has done to me. I am actually beyond the point of being hurt etc. My overwhelming feeling is that I’m being treated like a mug. I am planning on ending this sham as soon as I can. Would be interested in knowing of others in this position, particularly lack of holiday intamacy…

Exactly the same here. Been away for over a week and absolutely nothing. OH comes up with every excuse in the book. Drives me insane. Like you I have mentioned it gently but nothing. Like talking to a stone. Driving me mad!

Try to relax and enjoy the end of your holiday. I never have sex on holiday as we often end up sleeping in the same room as or in very close proximity to the kids. When you take kids on holiday, it's more about keeping them happy and occupied. We still have physical closeness and intimacy though. I think your problem is bigger than just the holiday if you're not happy in general.

Holidays are funny like that. I used to think the lack of the pressure of daily life would make sex more likely, but it didn't.
But if your OH hasn't really been into sex for 10+ yrs, her levels of desire aren't going to change just because you have a holiday.
If you're going to ask her for a divorce, just make sure you're doing it fir the right reasons, and have thought through the consequences for you, for her, and for your DC.

Thanks for the replies. To be clear, it’s my DH we’re talking about. It is undoubtedly a bigger problem than this holiday. We do have sex but it’s so infrequent and never initiated by him. I haven’t changed much physically in the last decade, I’m pretty much the same weight as I’ve always been etc. It’s just eating away at me despite the conversations. He knows it’s a big issue for me but does almost nothing to change. That’s where the frustration comes from.

It sounds like he doesn't want to OP - for reasons he clearly isn't sharing.

Your next step now is to think whether this is worth leaving your marriage over and then either accept that it is going to stay this way or move on. It must be soul destroying for you to be feeling rejected like this.

Hi @TimeForNC
Simply stating to your husband that this is important enough to you, that its causing you to want to leave the relationship, may actually be the wake up call that he needs.

Not as a threat, or an ultimatum, simply as a statement of fact.

There are more options here than just leaving the relationship if that would work for you - opening your relationship is just one example.

The above conversation worked for my relationship - she decided that she'd rather work on herself and her libido than end or open our relationship.

Honestly, I don't think that an unsatisfactory sex life is suddenly going to pick up on a holiday with children.

Holiday sex is often great if your sex life is already good/satisfactory and the only things missing are time and energy, as it gives you the space to explore your sexuality with your partner without the usual day-to-day pressures that might be prioritised over sex usually.

My partner and I made a decision this year to focus our family holiday on 'family time' with a prioritisation of our 4yos needs (along with doing things we all wanted to of course), and then book in some weekends away for just the two of us that were/are going to be mainly focused on fucking. This was as we realised combining 24/7 parenting for two weeks, with less childcare than usual, wasn't going to mix that well with plans for an unbridled fuckfest.

I understand why you thought a holiday might shift the balance, but honestly, I think this needs to be tackled at home with a discussion about expectations of a day-to-day and week-to-week basis, and some consideration from you about what you want to do if they aren't met, rather than building up expectations and then being crushed when they aren't met under pressured conditions.

I was going to ask what the sleeping arrangements are for your holiday? Our children had beds in the same room on our recent holiday…there’s no way I would want to have it off with them in the room!

I also really don’t enjoy hot holidays; I’m anxious and homesick so I don’t feel happy or sexy. I don’t think being on holiday should automatically equate to sex either. I have sex when my relationship feels good and I’m in the mood…which is regularly at home. It sounds like you have a broader issue, and suddenly expecting it to be resolved just by virtue of being on holiday is slightly naive.

All good advice, thanks for that. @KissKissMollysLips im not expecting miracles just by virtue of being on holiday, just a little change, nothing more. The real work/conversations are to be done at home. Also, DC has own room with a hall between us, so no issues in that regard! 😂

Sex and holidays sound like a great combination but through in family and young kids and it leads to realisation that its just not happening. We spent 10 days in Spain in August and think we managed it once in that time. Either too knackered from kids, or zero privacy.

But what do you expect him to do if he has a very low sex drive and doesn't want sex any more than you're having it?
Are you expecting him to pretend he wants sex?
Are you expecting him to have sex even if he doesn't want it?

He's had a low sex drive for over 10 years from the sounds of it so it is very unlikely to change. Talking to him, getting angry with him, telling him you're going to leave or whatever isn't going to change things. He might say he'll try to change to placate you but he can't make himself want sex when he doesn't.

You have to decide whether you can live with that or not.

.

I'm not sure if I believe people have low sex drives, sadly I think it comes to not being attracted to the person they are with. Men, imo, if they aren't having sex at home they are either masturbating a lot or possibly have someone else.

I'm sorry to say that op, I'm sure you deserve so much more. Rather than trying to initiate and discuss try shocking him. Say as he clearly isn't interested in you you fancy an open relationship so will look for a fwb. Obviously it's risky as he might say fine but 10yrs without intimacy must be soul destroying. It may be the wake up call he needs.

You deserve to be made to feel irresistible. Good luck.

When you're in a relationship that lacks intimacy, holidays make the situation worse. Being out of the normal routine shines a light on the problems.

He won't change.

Of course some people have low sex drives. I have, I've had several partners and always been the same.