Does the expectation of sex turn you off?

[BobOn]

I'm hoping that you might be able to help me understand my wife's perspective as I'm struggling.

For my wife, the expectation of her having sex, makes sex an automatic NOT happening.

This means that Valentine, date night, anniversary and birthday sex is off the table.

She doesn't want to ever think of herself as having to "put out". As far as I can tell, it makes her feel used.

This makes scheduling sex very frustrating. Her agreeing to it beforehand means I'm then "expecting it"! Which then means that she then feels used if it does happen.

If I try to inspire her arousal using the same technique a few times then that becomes expectation too because she can see what's on my mind!

I've tried to explain that she's confusing my HOPE for sex as an expectation.

Does anyone else have the same kind of turn off?

I think it all depends on the person?
My late wife was very much it had to be unplanned and TBH it worked well as she would just grab me and that was it we would be rolling round on the floor or up on any surface handy. If it was planned like a military exercise then she would go cold.
These days my girlfriend and I don't so much plan it but now with the aid/benefit of modern phones do tend to get each other in a heightened state during the day, Sexting?
I did have a previous girlfriend where it was a bit of a mood board system, mostly in her favour where I almost had to win points for what she considered were emotional plus and minus scores for the activity to follow & quite frankly it was exhausting. Either you fancy me or not!
I know us men are less in tune with the subtle nuances of most stuff but if I'm with a woman its not just sex I'm after and I want to love you and have a good laugh and be there to support you.

I think I depends on how much sex you're having in general though. If you're not having it that frequently , it may feel a bit forced on special occasions and that could be killing the mood for her.

The point that screams out at me is that your DW feels used . By her husband, her life partner, her soulmate. If you get to the bottom of those feelings I think you will eliminate the issue. Was she brought up with negative feelings/shame around sex?

That's a good point, early on in our 37 year relationship my late wife suffered a lot of guilt around enjoying sex!
It was a combination of her parents and the church.
I've forgiven her parents as it was part of their upbringing, but not the church.

Thanks all

She grew up with a lot of shaming and her family thrives on judgement and blame. They were very vocal about disapproval while also being very old fashioned about girls being sexual or “sluts”

when she feels herself getting too “carried away“ with enjoying sex, she decides it’s time to shut it down.

in her eyes it seems that buying her a nice present, or a nice dinner and then having sec afterwards is like her being a prostitute

Typo - sec = sex

I'm so sorry for you BobOn, its awful how outside factors can make a loving relationship hard work 😥

Keep at it my friend and remember your not in the wrong

Thanks @WtP

im happy to put in the work, I’m also interested in making it easier!

the suggestions to consider hangups is a good one

i've read the OP's initial post twice through fear of misunderstanding it. I may still have it wrong, sorry!

I am no prude, I've even been told on MN that they had names for girls like me when they were at school.

But I wouldn't want scheduled sex. It's not something you put on the calendar. It's about passion and heat and, dare I say, spontaneity.

You are obviously a loving husband so that's in your favour?
At first I felt like I was doing something wrong and my wife was offended by my approach. I was lucky that my late mother was a sex education teacher and I could talk with her about my worries.
She talked me through various scenarios, not something you expect your mother to teach you about if I'm honest & I don't know if she spoke to my wife but things suddenly took a turn for the better!
Yes occasionally our sex life took a bit of a dip but then out of the blue it would perk up to the point where I was the hunted one 😊
Just keep talking is my advice.

Hi @StarlightLady

the suggestion from a therapist was for my wife to schedule some time where she could allow time to be and feel sexy.

my wife is responsively aroused, meaning that she needs to have stimulation to want sex, such as sexy talk, porn, physical touch. The problem is that she is normally thinking of jewellery, food for tonight… when she allows herself the time to be receptive it all works

from the perspective of my insecurities, she’d get turned on if she fancied me, therefore she can’t fancy me - I have to try not to tune into that voice