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Original poster

Sex fantasies - share or not?

11 replies

changementdenom1 · 17/07/2023 08:43

Been married for 25+ years, sex life in general very good. In early days we found occasionally sharing thoughts about imaginary scenarios, sometimes very raunchy were a big turn on for both of us. We haven't done that for a long while and that is fine.

Sometimes something will still pop into my head, maybe from something I've seen on television or read in a book or just from nowhere. Sometimes it's quite wild. It doesn't happen that often. For some reason these days I'm hesitant to share them with my OH as sex is actually pretty good anyway and I wouldn't want them to be a distraction and spoil the connection we're having. On the other hand they can be very arousing for me and I always want to be open about thoughts/feelings in our relationship.

To share or not to share, that is the question?

OP posts:
Swishytwip · 17/07/2023 08:53

Ask your partner how they'd feel about you sharing these thoughts/fantasies.

AlexaAdventuress · 17/07/2023 09:12

It's a delicate balance. Knowing him all these years, are there any things that appeal to you that he might like as well? Or would it be possible to start the conversation by asking him about things that he likes,or fantasises about or which turn him on and then share some of yours? There may be things that it wouldn't be diplomatic to talk about - for example thoughts about other people may not be the most diplomatic thing to share with a partner who's got strong feelings about fidelity. But there may be other stuff that's safer and more apt to yield mutual enjoyment.

DixonD · 17/07/2023 12:11

Test the waters by sharing something small and see what reaction you get. If it’s positive you can expand on it. I sometimes will share little thoughts with my husband but he doesn’t reciprocate. I’ve asked him but he claims he doesn’t have any.

pendleflyer · 17/07/2023 13:30

@DixonD
>>I sometimes will share little thoughts with my husband but he doesn’t reciprocate. I’ve asked him but he claims he doesn’t have any.
to be honest I find that rather hard to believe unless he has a very low sex drive. (doubting him I stress - not you) - does he ever think about sex when not having it? If so, what does he think about.

OP - it's great that you still have a good sex life after so long (so good you are afraid of spoiling) but yes I would share. Hopefully if you should mention something that isn't a turn on for husband, or is even icky to him, he is mature secure enough for it not to cause major consequences. Surely not after all these years?
Of course I don't know what "horrors" you may have in mind :)

WithTheirDogAfterTheWar · 17/07/2023 19:33

We tell each other all sorts of stuff, not necessarily practical or realistic! Would definitely encourage it.

Catullus5 · 18/07/2023 07:42

I normally keep my fantasies to myself. Selfish perhaps but I'm a big daydreamer, it's nice to have an interior sex life and I like letting my mind rove around a bit. Also roleplaying doesn't come that easy to us!

I read somewhere that it's useful to separate fantasy from desire, as only the latter is something you want to make happen. But I guess simply sharing a fantasy doesn't mean you have to act on it.

DixonD · 19/07/2023 00:41

I absolutely agree with you @pendleflyer - of course he does, but for some reason is not willing to share. He does have a lower sex drive than me, but I know he watches porn. Perhaps he’s concerned he’ll shock me.

Marieg1990 · 19/07/2023 07:37

Not an easy one. I just couldn't decide to suddenly share fantasies. What did more for us was DH in height of passions whispering "imagine if" scenario....was more about on that occasion being dressed in some really slutty underwear but really made us both highly aroused. It has developed from there really and does tend to be initiated by DH but I join in and love seeing how aroused it makes him. Some of our fantasies I couldn't imagine acting on but seems to massively heighten our passion. As an example, one was another person in our bed with us both. Seems mad but is very erotic

pendleflyer · 19/07/2023 11:19

DixonD · 19/07/2023 00:41

I absolutely agree with you @pendleflyer - of course he does, but for some reason is not willing to share. He does have a lower sex drive than me, but I know he watches porn. Perhaps he’s concerned he’ll shock me.

keep working on him - as long as nothing illegal/really beyond the pale, I don't think anything should really shock-outrage anyone not crippled by upbringing/religion - don't have to act out if don't want to of course. Nowt so queer as folk/fantasies-sex-thoughts don't - yet - have to be subjected to committee approval - not even some of the freelance freeranging self-appointed mnet festival of light. Nor need they of course "make sense".

Angelsman · 24/07/2023 07:01

Marieg1990 · 19/07/2023 07:37

Not an easy one. I just couldn't decide to suddenly share fantasies. What did more for us was DH in height of passions whispering "imagine if" scenario....was more about on that occasion being dressed in some really slutty underwear but really made us both highly aroused. It has developed from there really and does tend to be initiated by DH but I join in and love seeing how aroused it makes him. Some of our fantasies I couldn't imagine acting on but seems to massively heighten our passion. As an example, one was another person in our bed with us both. Seems mad but is very erotic

Not mad at all. A common fantasy for us but only as an erotic turn on. No intention of taking it into reality.

Rieslinger · 05/08/2023 08:25

As others have said test and if you feel it's a positive response share.

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