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I think I’ve f’d up.

15 replies

Whatastupidchoice · 16/07/2023 13:41

Ok. I think I’ve made a massive error in my life.

Was with my ex for 8 months. He basically did a lot of things over that time that annoyed me and right at the end of the relationship his behaviour was absolutely abysmal.

We broke up.

About 2 months after breaking up, a guy who knew my ex started speaking to me on FB.

There was ridiculous flirting right from the off set, even exchanging photos and videos etc (bad choice I know).

Anyway, we met up twice. The first time we kissed and the second time we had sex. It was easily the worst sex of my life. It was like he was all talk but couldn’t perform at all.

Anyway, I completely go off the guy because of the sex and because I’m pretty sure he actually has a girlfriend (he added me on Instagram after the sex and I did some snooping when he left and if they’re not together now, they definitely were when we were really flirting) so I ghosted him basically and just scratched it up to a lesson learnt.

My ex then gets back in contact with me. I realise I miss him and we get back together basically a week after I had sex with the other guy.

Do I tell my boyfriend I had sex with the guy he kind of knows? They both have some of the same friends and I can’t help but think these guys will talk and it’ll come out and my boyfriend will be ambushed with the information.

Also, I’m completely aware I’ve made some absolutely terrible decisions and hurting my ex wasn’t on my agenda. I do want to tell him but is that only to absolve myself of guilt? Will hurting him to make myself feel less guilty be the best thing or should I keep quiet? I think he’s knows I’ve slept with someone else when we were apart and I don’t know if he has and I don’t want to know if he has.

I think I really want a serious future with my boyfriend and I think I’ve seriously f’d it up.

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Rhass · 16/07/2023 16:57

Better to come straight out . You did nothing wrong as you weren’t together when it happened .

it will be worse if he finds out from someone else later on !

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ComtesseDeSpair · 16/07/2023 17:23

You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t together, weren’t anticipating getting back together, and it isn’t as if you banged his best friend or his brother, which he could justifiably be a bit upset / weirded out about. A man he vaguely knows socially or through friends of friends is neither here nor there. He hasn’t asked if you had sex with or dated anyone else during the period you’d broken up, which means he doesn’t want or care to know. If he asks you then I’d be honest - but without being apologetic or grovelling about it and feeling awful. 

I have a large social group and virtually everyone in it has dated or hooked up with most of the other members in some combination at some point, and we all just get on with it. Nobody has any entitlement to feel aggrieved about anyone else’s past. It’s just part of being grown up about things.

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QueenVixen · 16/07/2023 19:55

I wouldn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to know what you did when you wasn’t officially together.

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 08:21

My big worry is that the other guy is going to show people the pictures I sent him (I know I’m an idiot) only one has my face in and nothing is shown in that one. The rest are very…explicit, but my face isn’t shown.

I would also say that I’m kind of like f it, my body looks good for once and so I’m trying to think, if he does show someone, it’ll be fine. But that part is really eating me up too.

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Thorninhisside · 17/07/2023 09:08

I don't mean to sound critical, but why have you gone back to a guy whose behaviour was "absolutely abysmal"?
Do you think he has changed in such a short space of time?

Regarding the other man, I wouldn't be too bothered. He probably realises he was a terrible lay so he's unlikely to brag about the sex.
If he does, it just shows what a prize twat he is.

As far as I see it, you've done nothing to be ashamed of/guilty about. Just put it down as a life experience to learn from and be careful of whom you share photos with in the future.

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liveforsaturday · 17/07/2023 20:06

Hey @Whatastupidchoice

I definitely think it’s best to tell your bf first.

At least if he hears it from you first, you can decide what he hears and if you need to you can change things slightly to make yourself look better.

I had a similar situation where I slept with my brothers best friend of years and the other guy told him. I was planning to keep it secret but the fact I hadn’t told him made everything so much worse.

Whatever happens, it’s not a great situation to be in (but these things happen so I’m 100% with you) I’d just say get your story in there first.

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nonmerci99 · 17/07/2023 20:40

I don't think it's any of your ex's business, tbh. Why does he need to know who you did or didn't sleep with while you weren't together?

To echo other comments, you haven't done anything wrong. You haven't **ed anything up. If your ex doesn't want to be with you because you slept with someone while you weren't together, he's really not the guy for you, IMO.

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 20:57

Rhass · 16/07/2023 16:57

Better to come straight out . You did nothing wrong as you weren’t together when it happened .

it will be worse if he finds out from someone else later on !

I’m so torn. I’m so worried this other guy is going to share the nudes or show them to other people, because the escapade ended badly with me ghosting him, I’m worried he’ll show people to hurt me and then my boyfriend.

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 21:00

ComtesseDeSpair · 16/07/2023 17:23

You’ve nothing to feel guilty about. You weren’t together, weren’t anticipating getting back together, and it isn’t as if you banged his best friend or his brother, which he could justifiably be a bit upset / weirded out about. A man he vaguely knows socially or through friends of friends is neither here nor there. He hasn’t asked if you had sex with or dated anyone else during the period you’d broken up, which means he doesn’t want or care to know. If he asks you then I’d be honest - but without being apologetic or grovelling about it and feeling awful. 

I have a large social group and virtually everyone in it has dated or hooked up with most of the other members in some combination at some point, and we all just get on with it. Nobody has any entitlement to feel aggrieved about anyone else’s past. It’s just part of being grown up about things.

This makes me feel slightly better. I genuinely never intended to be having sex with a twat guy and then getting back with me ex.

my old group of mates were similar to your group of mates but I’m just worried about the photos being shown if I’m honest. Don’t know why, usually I think I’d just get over it but the one night stand seems to be aggrieved that I didn’t fall for him I guess (he doesn’t know I think he has a girlfriend)

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 21:00

QueenVixen · 16/07/2023 19:55

I wouldn’t say anything. He doesn’t need to know what you did when you wasn’t officially together.

Thank you. I do appreciate you saying this.

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 21:03

Thorninhisside · 17/07/2023 09:08

I don't mean to sound critical, but why have you gone back to a guy whose behaviour was "absolutely abysmal"?
Do you think he has changed in such a short space of time?

Regarding the other man, I wouldn't be too bothered. He probably realises he was a terrible lay so he's unlikely to brag about the sex.
If he does, it just shows what a prize twat he is.

As far as I see it, you've done nothing to be ashamed of/guilty about. Just put it down as a life experience to learn from and be careful of whom you share photos with in the future.

No it’s ok, I know what you mean. I’ve been in a bad headspace for a while and my ex really did f up the end of our relationship last night (it was a really tricky situation) and he’s now admitted wrong doing. I’m hoping I can chalk up his behaviour to human error but maybe I do have rose tinted glasses on?

Everything you’ve said has resonated with me, so thank you. I hope the one night stand guy doesn’t try to hurt me by sharing my photos, to hurt me or my boyfriend. Like I said. Stupid choice but one I may pay for later on. It makes my skin crawl just thinking about it. But honestly I’ve read your comment a few times as it’s making me feel better about this situation.

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 21:04

liveforsaturday · 17/07/2023 20:06

Hey @Whatastupidchoice

I definitely think it’s best to tell your bf first.

At least if he hears it from you first, you can decide what he hears and if you need to you can change things slightly to make yourself look better.

I had a similar situation where I slept with my brothers best friend of years and the other guy told him. I was planning to keep it secret but the fact I hadn’t told him made everything so much worse.

Whatever happens, it’s not a great situation to be in (but these things happen so I’m 100% with you) I’d just say get your story in there first.

Thank you! This is kind of my thought process. I don’t want him ambushed or embarrassed and I’d want him to be prepared if he did hear it but then again, I do hear what others are saying and I was single so do I bother?

I have a strong suspicion my boyfriend will end things if I tell him so I guess it’s a bit selfish not wanting to tell him too

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 21:06

nonmerci99 · 17/07/2023 20:40

I don't think it's any of your ex's business, tbh. Why does he need to know who you did or didn't sleep with while you weren't together?

To echo other comments, you haven't done anything wrong. You haven't **ed anything up. If your ex doesn't want to be with you because you slept with someone while you weren't together, he's really not the guy for you, IMO.

Thank you for writing this. I completely understand what you mean. I guess I feel guilty in a weird way. I’m so worried the other guy is going to share the photos I gave him and then my boyfriend will see them. Eurgh. It’s all very embarrassing! I’m in my bloody 30’s as well. You’d think I’d know better by now.

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Thorninhisside · 17/07/2023 21:40

I’m so worried the other guy is going to share the photos I gave him and then my boyfriend will see them. Eurgh.

**Just so you know, if the other guy does send the photos to your boyfriend, he is committing an offence that is punishable by up to two years in prison.

Under legislation introduced in 2015, the law states:
It is an offence for a person to disclose a private sexual photograph or film if the disclosure is made (a) without the consent of an individual who appears in the photograph or film, and

(b) with the intention of causing that individual distress.

Hopefully it won't come to that but if it does at least you have the option of seeking redress through law.

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Whatastupidchoice · 17/07/2023 22:09

Thorninhisside · 17/07/2023 21:40

I’m so worried the other guy is going to share the photos I gave him and then my boyfriend will see them. Eurgh.

**Just so you know, if the other guy does send the photos to your boyfriend, he is committing an offence that is punishable by up to two years in prison.

Under legislation introduced in 2015, the law states:
It is an offence for a person to disclose a private sexual photograph or film if the disclosure is made (a) without the consent of an individual who appears in the photograph or film, and

(b) with the intention of causing that individual distress.

Hopefully it won't come to that but if it does at least you have the option of seeking redress through law.

Thank you for telling me that. I feel slightly more relieved.

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