Husband, ick after childbirth

[husbandick]

First off, I'm aware that I basically have "dick" in my temp username. Accident but didn't want to then make another.

I've been struggling with this for months now, and thought I should finally bite the bullet and see what is happening based on others' experiences.

I had my second child almost 7 months ago, since then I have seriously got the romantic and sexual ick from my husband. I lost my libido a bit after my first child, was able to work around that and, clearly, had a second.

Now I just feel grossed out by my husband. And the thought of sex at all. I don't want to hug or kiss. I can't even say I love you as I feel completely devoid of any emotion towards him (except anger). I know I have love available as I love the kids more than I can even believe.

I just can't see myself ever wanting to be with him again, and I want to know if anyone has felt like this then got their old selves back, or are we wasting our lives being together and better to end it now? I'd prefer not to separate so hoping for many positive stories that can help.

And please don't suggest sex for emotions to come back as the thought of it is a complete no!

Sorry for the long post. This has been pent up for a while.

Why are you angry at him? Is it because he’s not pulling his weight in the household since the arrival of your kids? It would be helpful to understand the dynamic at home in order to understand how your feelings have changed so much

A woman's hormones (and to a lesser extent a man's) change after childbirth in order to give the newborn the best start in life. I forget the name of the hormone concerned, but the sex drive diminishes in order to reduce the chances of the woman conceiving soon after she has given birth, thus maximising the survival chances of the new baby.

It takes varying amounts of time in different people for levels to return to normal, so I wouldn't give up on things if he is a decent husband.

Zanatdy, no. He does a lot, that's the thing. No real change, just my perception.

Xpc, this is what I'm wondering. I just can't believe it's been so long. It's not just the lack of sex drive, it's that I look at him and can't imagine ever wanting to be with him, it's "the ick" just everything he does annoys me, like it reminds me of a teenage boy, not a guy in his 30s, even just little mannerisms etc. which is how it makes me angry/grossed out. I just think "why can't you act like an adult, it's so cringy" (for lack of a better word to describe it).

Are you breastfeeding?

I didn’t feel sexual towards my partner again until my daughter was 16 months (I still breastfeed now at 21 months.

Id tried at around the 9 month mark but honestly just went through the motions as I could see it was really bothering him that we hadn’t had sex since I was 6 months pregnant.
anyway afterwards I explained to him that it wasn’t him that I just felt touched out, tired and the last thing I thought about was sex.

anyway at 16 months it was like a switch flicked and there was a couple of days where it was all a I could think about.
but once We had done it it went away again.
my daughter is starting to sleep longer through the nights and needing less breastfeeding through the night and I’m starting to feel like my libido might be coming back again.

long story short I didn’t think my libido would ever come back but it has in small bursts and I’m confident it will be back fully once I’m through this stage of parenting

@Kona84 I'm expressing. I did with my first and it wasn't like this. Although I did wonder if that was the case. I don't do it through the night and the baby is a pretty decent sleeper.

I am glad you said about a switch. It makes me feel like there may be hope!

But did you also just feel almost disgusted by the thought of your husband touching you, and also just like you don't love him anymore?

Hopeful evening bump.

I would tell him OP, that way he can make a life with someone who cares about him.

Your relationship is over. Stop wasting his time and yours. He deserves better.

DH and I didn't have sex for a year after our second was born, and not again for several months after that. Breastfeeding and two young kids just made everything shrivel up for me. Kids are nearly 7 and 5 and it's only in the last 6 months I've really felt like we are back to 'us'. My anger towards him was on a hair trigger but I think that was mostly a huge lack of sleep and me doing everything for the kids!

@onefinemess I have been honest with him, thank you. I have been very clear with my feelings and he is well aware. I've given him every option and, currently, he wants to stay together.

@llamadrama16 I think maybe you're closest to how I'm feeling. The shrivel up is quite similar to what it feels like. He does a lot with the kids and more than his fair share sometimes, but I just feel permanently tired and overworked. I'm hoping it's a phase but whilst I'm in the midst, I can't see how it can ever go back. But maybe one day, I'll look back and not understand this. Who knows?!

I think what you're feeling is common? Young kids are demanding and as others have said there are hormonal changes that aren't permanent, even though they last for some time. I think it would be crazy any irresponsible to put the kids' future at risk by separating over something like this that may right itself over time and can be mitigated in the meantime.

I think what you felt for your DH will come back, just maybe in a slightly different way. In the meantime try and manage it and, I'd have thought, seek help.

Thank you @Catullus5 I was hoping this was the case. I knew about the loss of libido being common, or getting annoyed if they aren't helping, it's just the inability to feel love/even want a kiss etc. that has been tough to understand or navigate as I've not seen or heard about that.

Definitely don't want to split over this, but would understand if he did. Which he has said he doesn't. Would rather be a family, in whatever sense it ends up. Just hoping it does come back in some way, feels a terrible waste if it doesn't.

I think you need to go easy on yourselves. It's a demanding time of life, and your body's priority is the baby. We had dry spells around then, and if not ick close to it. It passed with time. We are now approaching 50 and having about as much sex as just before children.

The reality is that seven months is no time at all in a long term relationship in which you are bringing up children and, on the basis of what you say, your DH is supporting you as he should and there are no other issues in the relationship. Just hang in there and be as kind in your acts as you can be regardless of your feelings.

Thank you, thank you, seriously. It's reassuring to hear it may go away and be better again. In that case I won't be rash and will see how things improve when I stop expressing/baby gets older etc.

I just really worried that I was wasting his time if I would never feel that way again. But knowing there's a chance, is really helpful!

I have no advice OP, but I’m in the same boat. Our second child is a bit older than yours but I’m still breastfeeding and he’s a rubbish sleeper. I just feel no desire for my husband at all.

It isn’t actually the case that I have no sexual desire full stop. I’ve got sexual desire for men that aren’t my husband (not that I’d act on it!)