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Original poster

Overcoming ED

16 replies

ellie09 · 12/07/2023 11:08

Hi all

I have been with my new partner who is 27 now for around 8 months. I am 30.

We have a good relationship which is very loving and affectionate. However, our sex life is becoming worse and worse as time goes on.

He has always had trouble with ejaculating from the start but he always maintained, so I wasn't too bothered about it.

Over the last 2 months though, ED has started also. He struggles to maintain for longer than a few minutes and will give up almost immediately.

We try to have sex regularly, but it never happens for him (he has completely finished once in 8 months) and it is now getting to the stage where I am not finishing either as he isn't maintaining for long enough.

I have quite a high sex drive so I am becoming extremely wound up. I can't get myself off very easily at all either no matter how hard I try. I have had two sex dreams the past week where I have had a nocturnal orgasm though, lol (these would usually be quite rare for me)

Where do we go from here? Is this something he needs to address on his side?

I have tried dressing up, different positions, extended foreplay, asked him directly if there was anything he wanted that he wasn't expressing but he just says its "his issues". He says he can orgasm through masturbation fine which brings my self esteem down even more so.

I understand its maybe a psychological issue, but I also don't know why it would be getting worse as time goes on rather than better as you would expect a couple to feel more comfortable?

I feel like it is now my issue, that perhaps the physical attraction is not there. His previous girlfriends have all been rather good looking with amazing bodies, where as I am an average size 10 mum bod.

How do I address this with him so he can urgently look into this on his side? Surely you shouldn't need pills for ED at 27 years old?!

OP posts:
Mysticguru · 12/07/2023 11:31

Assuming he is physically fit and healthy 27 year old.

He should see the GP for blood tests to check out his overall health, especially testosterone levels. He should also have a prostate examination. If he has an enlarged prostate this will affect blood flow to the penis.
If all results come back normal then psychosexual therapy might be the next step.

Original poster
ellie09 · 12/07/2023 12:23

Mysticguru · 12/07/2023 11:31

Assuming he is physically fit and healthy 27 year old.

He should see the GP for blood tests to check out his overall health, especially testosterone levels. He should also have a prostate examination. If he has an enlarged prostate this will affect blood flow to the penis.
If all results come back normal then psychosexual therapy might be the next step.

He is healthy, but he is a bit overweight at the moment and wants to lose some weight.

I don't know if there's an issue physically overall if he can masturbate apparently fine though

OP posts:
RainbowLadybird · 12/07/2023 12:33

It sounds more like a Psychological issue if he can masturbate. Have you tried letting him start masturbating by himself then joining him? It sounds like he needs some sort of counselling to help it. Does he watch porn by any chance? ED can happen to men at any age due to a variety of circumstances. Please don’t think it’s you OP, I’m sure he’s into you, but I know it can be hard on your self esteem as it has been for me at times in my life x

Nocirculation · 12/07/2023 13:10

Sounds psychological. Not likely to be an attraction thing. What are 'his issues'? Perhaps a bottle of wine and a good laugh will help.

DixonD · 12/07/2023 16:06

I’d say psychological too, given that he can sort himself out. It sounds awful for you though and I hope you get it sorted. I’m sure it’s no fun for him either, so hopefully he’ll be willing to see someone about it.

Nocirculation · 12/07/2023 16:30

Stress is a large part of it. In order to get an erection you almost need an 'empty' mind! It's easy to get into a situation where your mind is somewhere else...I know that may sound odd.

xpc316e · 12/07/2023 16:36

Having once failed to achieve/maintain an erection, there is most probably going to be a worry at the back of his going into any subsequent sex session. It then becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy in that anxiety leads to no erection, so he was indeed right to be worried and so on, ad infinitum.

I am a 66 year old Viagra user and my issues are largely based in the psychological side of things, so I write with a little bit of personal knowledge. Does your partner experience early morning erections? If so, then there would appear to be very little wrong with the actual mechanics of his erection.

Oddly enough, masturbation does not require the same degree of hardness as penetrative intercourse does, so that does not really rule things in, or out.

What we can guarantee though is that his inability to become erect is nothing to do with your size 10 mum body.

Best wishes.

BobOn · 12/07/2023 16:56

as others have said, this sounds like it's in his head

Practically speaking, maybe focussing on oral, toys and hands to stimulate you would take some pressure of him to perform.

It's possible to use a cock ring to help him maintain his erection (not wearing it for more than 30 minutes in 24 hours!). A penis pump would help him get hard in the first place if that's also an issue

myNewName21 · 12/07/2023 18:29

if is worried about losing his erection and being seen ( by you) as less of a man , the n is certainly is all in his head, the more he worries, the worse it will be and so on, it’s a vicious circle.

The ED pills can help with this, as long as he aroused the pill can be a mental “safety net”, to help stop thinking about his erectile issues and get things working again more naturally , but he needs to relax and not overthink

Original poster
ellie09 · 12/07/2023 21:20

How do you even approach this subject?

I don't want to offend or put more pressure on him

OP posts:
myNewName21 · 12/07/2023 22:52

ellie09 · 12/07/2023 21:20

How do you even approach this subject?

I don't want to offend or put more pressure on him

I’m pretty sure he would know there is something wrong, even if he won’t admit to it, the 1st thing is probably a once over by a GP,

this is certainly not a bedroom conversation, since ED can be related to heart & cardiovascular issues maybe a dinner table conversation, that you have noticed his problems and wish he could get a DRs check up as its clearly an issue for him.

Nocirculation · 13/07/2023 07:04

Having CV issues at 27 is really unlikely but it would be wise to see a GP even if just for his state of mind. It may be good just to hear the 'you're fine'. Otherwise being friendly, supportive, realistic and humourous will help. When I got into a bit of a state a few years ago I took Viagra and.....nothing...my mind wasn't in the correct place. A night after I drank a bottle of wine and....bingo....a great night (a bit more relaxed I guess).

Original poster
ellie09 · 13/07/2023 10:31

CV problems run in his family so it may be worthwhile getting those checked as well. Though I am pretty sure he had a full blood work done not long back which all came back fine.

He is also autistic, so not sure if this can impact, but he says it wasn't an issue previously until about a year ago.

I had approached the subject of possibly taking some Viagra and he seems keen enough to visit a GP to try and resolve. So we will see.

I do see him becoming increasingly more stressed about it as time goes on, and its becoming worse and worse.

He did say that the turning point seemed to be an ex girlfriend who was very hyper sexual and demanded sex several times a day then faked a miscarriage when they broke up, despite being on BC. So he thinks that may be playing subconsciously in his mind.

OP posts:
AverageGuy · 14/07/2023 15:17

@ellie09 At ghis age, he realy shouldn't be having PE or ED issues.

You can get Viagra over the counter, but if there is a history of CV issues in the family, then it's probably worth getting himself checked out first.

If he is autistic then things like this can really become an issue for him in his mind - more so that someone without, so it could easily be a psycological issue.

myNewName21 · 14/07/2023 21:22

ellie09 · 13/07/2023 10:31

CV problems run in his family so it may be worthwhile getting those checked as well. Though I am pretty sure he had a full blood work done not long back which all came back fine.

He is also autistic, so not sure if this can impact, but he says it wasn't an issue previously until about a year ago.

I had approached the subject of possibly taking some Viagra and he seems keen enough to visit a GP to try and resolve. So we will see.

I do see him becoming increasingly more stressed about it as time goes on, and its becoming worse and worse.

He did say that the turning point seemed to be an ex girlfriend who was very hyper sexual and demanded sex several times a day then faked a miscarriage when they broke up, despite being on BC. So he thinks that may be playing subconsciously in his mind.

Blimey, that sounds terrible for him,

some CBT might be helpful as well to address how he thinks about sex.

https://onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/mens-health-advice/erectile-dysfunction-therapy#cbt-for-erectile-dysfunction

Erectile Dysfunction Therapy

Read our guide on how to tackle psychological erectile dysfunction.

https://onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/mens-health-advice/erectile-dysfunction-therapy#cbt-for-erectile-dysfunction

Original poster
ellie09 · 15/07/2023 14:10

Thanks everyone for your replies.

I do try to be understanding and supportive but trying to keep in your own sexual frustration is very difficult!

We were being intimate this morning and suddenly felt something happening (this was after a slow build up by the way) and thought I'd try my luck but got rejected again. Apparently he's just not "feeling it". Its very frustrating for me as he's also away on holiday soon so I'll be without intimacy for a bit longer.

I've always struggled with self pleasure but I have ordered myself a new vibrator in the hopes that it can provide some relief and I can start to self explore a bit.

I don't want it to be the breakdown of our relationship, based purely on a sexual component. I'll have to try everything first on my side as well before thinking that way.

He says he will go to the GP once back from his holiday. I am feeling a little jealous because at least he can relieve himself, where as I struggle a LOT

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