Sex bravery

[Floating83]

So I had been with my ex partner for around 18 years and he is the only person I have ever had sex with or any sexual experience in fact.
Our sex life was also not the best, I rarely had an orgasm and it was more about him, with little time trying to get me to where I needed to be.
Part of that I think was inexperience and incompatibility as I had no idea what I wanted and we didn't grow together to learn what worked. I guess I maybe struggled to "let go"
I now enjoy pleasuring myself and can get there every time, but that I expect is very different when someone else is involved.
I am nervous about what will be what feels like only my second experience. I don't know if it just need to get out there and have experiences with a few people to get some confidence or if it will be better to find a connection with someone so I feel more comfortable.
Do I tell the man that I feel I lack experience or do I fake confidence and just hope I can get there.
I've spent my life longing for a sex life that I can enjoy and fear that I won't be capable of it with a partner.

My first thought would be not to say anything (but then I’m the sort of person who wouldn’t put “P” plates on my car when I passed my test). I didn’t even tell my now husband that I was a virgin when we first slept together. He didn’t seem to have any idea; probably just thought I was really rubbish!

I think some men would probably like to be your “second”. Perhaps it depends on the person you’re with? I think this is probably how I’d weigh it up. If you’re getting into a relationship with them, definitely tell.

I don't think you have to tell them if you don't want to. Being in a new relationship is exciting because you are both learning about and from each other. The fact that you know what you like is a huge bonus. As you can make yourself orgasm, you will be able to show a new partner what works for you. If you can, I would try not to overthink the experience that you had with your ex, don't take it with you into new relationships. You deserve a good sex life and you can do that by starting afresh with someone new, or by having a few fun & different experiences.

This may sound bad but, perhaps it was also due to inexperience, but DW and I had little of the sexual chemistry that seems to be commonly looked for. We made it work anyway because of our emotional connection and overcoming shyness and telling each other what works and what doesn't work. We now do what we like, and our friends would probably be surprised by it if they knew.

So I'm a great believer in finding someone who is naturally generous (on the assumption that they'll be generous on bed too) and building something with them, rather than trying people out. But I also have never had any interest in sex with people I'm not in love with, and you may need to ask yourself whether that's true for you too as that will inform your answer.

Don't over think it, it's a new experience with every different person anyway. You carry a little learning over from the last experience but in my opinion it's often pretty much a fresh start every time.

As someone who took up dating again in my 40s, one thing that helped me was doing a lot of exploring on my own - reading, porn, fantasising - to understand the type of sex I wanted to have and what new things I wanted to explore.

I also found that since my previous dating experiences in the 90s, people have become a lot more open (and varied) about what they like, so I felt safer for educating myself.

Some people can have very casual sex and others need to get to know their partners. You'll figure out your style and whatever works for you is just fine. As mentioned though, pick people who are generous and lovely.

Do read around on sexual health, and always take responsibility for yourself. And buy a good lube (not KY) to see if you need/enjoy that.

And have fun! I've been having the best sex of my life.

Oh! To answer your actual question - I took some time to find someone I could be open with, who would take things at my pace, and it was worth the wait. To my surprise, this was someone quite a bit younger than me.

This is such a great opportunity for you to reflect, choose your own boundaries and must haves and curate the sex life you have longed for. Only you will know if that looks like a one night thing or a deep and meaningful liaison. A word of caution though, research suggests that women do not fair the best with regards to sexual satisfaction during a one night stand (can’t remember who carried out the research but it was cited by the author of Mind the Gap).

I would be upfront about my sexual history, as I expect honesty from others. I doubt anyone would be put off by being your second lover anyway! Good luck, have fun 💗

Your past, be it one partner or 100 partners is nothing to do with anyone else. Just be yourself and enjoy. No explanations about numbers required or needed.

My husband wasn't my first, but there hadn't been loads, and after 27 years it felt like a brand new start anyway!

I tried online dating thinking I would try to meet a few blokes casually, but actually really clicked with one and have been seeing him for several months now.

The first time we got together felt absolutely natural because there was such a connection between us. I sort of miss sowing a few wild oats (and tbh he has said i should if I want to) but I'm having a lovely time.

I would think that if you just say you were married for a long time and it wasn't amazing, that's enough. There are plenty of men in similar positions.

Thanks everyone, that's really boosted my confidence in the idea that every time with a new partner can feel nervous no matter how many people you have had sex with before.
You are right, I need to just be myself, explore and figure out what works with someone else.