Date night drama.

[lovegrowingthings]

We have been married for nearly 40yrs, we have children and grandchildren, but, the marriage is in big trouble even I can see that being a bloke.
We have been sleeping in separate bedrooms now for a year, we have no intimate contact and haven't for a year or more.
My wife has tickets for a show in the "smoke" as a date night but, I don't want to go because I know it will be another 4/5 hours (show and travelling) of silence as we don't talk accept about general stuff,(kids, grandkids, finance etc) we have just run out of things to talk about.
I am going to tell her to take someone else, daughter, mum.
I have decided that we need to separate for us both, she needs someone she can boss about and organise their lives and I need someone who will respect me and not nit pick.
I am just exhausted by being here now and I don't think the marriage is worth fighting for.
If anyone can spark an idea that will turn the tide then speak now.

Exhausted

Do you instigate fresh discussion? It has to be a 2-way street.

For this to work you both need different interests so you have something to bring to the chat. Do you have combined or separate interests or both?

By not going on date night you are not helping the situation. Do you realise this?

It’s things like the date night that keeps it fresh and gives you things to talk about, you shooting that down and refusing to go makes me think you’ve made your mind up on separating. A 40 year marriage is amazing, my parents were together 35, kids, GC the lot- dad left to be with a woman younger than me, 6 years on he’s miserable and realised the grass wasn’t greener.

Lifes too long to stay in misery but be careful jumping ship when you have treasure on board.

Please don’t write off 40yrs. Work on making the rest of days wonderful for you both

This has been posted in the wrong section in my opinion. You need relationship advice before you can embark on restoring your sex life.

This would seem better posted in Relationships

Beat me to it @xpc316e

Having a date night with my wife, was one of the things that made me realise, it was time to leave her.

If it's not working, it's time to go.

I think your relationship has run its course

What an incredibly sad post. You have been with your wife for a massive part of your life and you are giving serious consideration to throwing it all away and started afresh. You probably know everything there is to know about this woman, as does she about you. Do you really wish to cast aside all the memories you have created together and inflict unnecessary suffering on many family members because potentially the grass may look different elsewhere. Have you totally exhausted every available option to recreate the days when you first met your wife and decided to marry her? If there is a case of unfaithfulness on each other’s part I can understand the break. It’s difficult to trust again but surely most things can eventually be talked out by a very very frank discussion. Just because you’ve had separate bedrooms for past year isn’t a bad thing. Many couples over 60 are now doing this. You both get a good nights sleep and you can still have a passionate relationship but head off to your bedroom for tv or a book!
My advice would be don’t give up on 40 years of marriage just because of issues described. Try every single option available and more and then if there is absolutely no change or acceptance of any compromise consider it but think very carefully about the implications of what you may want. Do you really want to start dating again at your age. You may be lucky and find someone that is in the same situation as you or is unfortunately divorced or widowed but the likelihood is that you could end up much worse off.
As others have said talk talk talk. Sex is great, but isn’t 100% the answer to all life’s problems.

been there.
took to retiring to a friendly/cosy local pub for, hopefully, a natter.
she actually said once, as if it was a dazzling insight - "you're chatty after a few drinks aren't you" as if positive.
was actually only sipping one drink.
Had to point out that her dazzling perception was actually back to front - I sipped to fill the gaps when there was zilch response - ie talk, deathly silence, sip, talk ... repeat.

you sound like you're totally bored @lovegrowingthings

Maybe socialise WITH your wife so you can have shared experiences, if you aren't already doing so?

Try going through your photos TOGETHER to chat about the things you have done and reconnect?

Find something(s) that you both might like to do, so that you have a new things to explore together.

I can still hear my Nan's words "you aren't bored, you're boring - now get out and find something interesting to do!"

Maybe you've tried all these things and more?

If you don't think a 40 year relationship is worth fighting for then I'm not sure how anyone on here - who doesn't even know you or your wife - is going to persuade you that it is.

Isn't there more to your relationship than sex after 40 years together though? Why are you now sleeping in separate rooms? Does you wife have any idea how you feel or have you just turned silently sulky and resentful? Have you asked why she doesn't seem interested in talking to you? Why is she arranging date nights if she's not interested - sounds more like you're the issue here to me. You don't feel you're getting enough attention or sex and want to leave to find someone else that hangs on your every word and is all over you. Good god men are so delusional.

this has really helped me.
im 43 and thought I should stay put as getting too old for new relationships and sexlife.
I won’t advise apart from do what makes you happy we’re only here once.
my wife nit picks although I slog my guts out to provide yet gives me no intimacy or affection.
im happy for her to do that but she needs to earn it by giving something back

You’re a world away from too old to start again. Take your own advice - you’re only here once.

But, no one needs to repay anyone for anything in sex/affection.

I meant more by just being a partner so it’s not just one sided ( I get all the miserable stuff and none of the good)