Dead sex life

[Deanlad1980]

This is a long post so please bear with, I’m at my wits end, hurt and need honest and if brutal opinions.

I don’t think I’m 100% in the right but I can only speak from my perspective.

I’m 43 my wife is 42 and we’ve been together for 10 years.
We have 2 children together 3 and 4 years old.
I love my wife dearly and we get on well and have a good standard of life but things are lacking.

When we got together all was good sex regularly but I’ll be honest I was quite insecure, shy and inexperienced, we only really did one position (missionary) and sometimes a bj if I asked, she never complained and was happy.

2 years later we married, and 5 years after meeting had our first child and the second followed a year later.

Having 2 babies the sex kinda dried up for a while and I think to her I came across as a pest wanting it (not often) but wanting it to keep the feeling of connection (it’s a way I feel connected) months went by with nothing and when we did start again it was just the same thing…..I’d have to initiate (every single time always) then we’d go up lay on bed and do it exactly the same way as every other time I could literally predict exactly how it would go, but now felt like it was just a chore to her and also now in the dark only or under the sheets.

So 7 years in it got so predictable I went soft during and we sat on the bed and had a chat ( I was pretty nervous as like I said I was pretty inexperienced) I said maybe one day we could have a shower and try a 69 as I’ve never done it before?
She replied “yeah fine, but I’m not making porn star noises” I was absolutely cool with that and thought we’re on track here.

Bit of time passed and sex didn’t happen kids etc and then it did and I flopped, I thought don’t go down and of course I did but was also because was the same old sex but now in the dark.
Next day I said maybe I could go down on you and she replied “not at the minute I feel uncomfortable with tummy” (babies and 2 c sections) so I understood and backed off as didn’t want to pressure although I’ve made a point of telling her that her body is amazing when I’ve caught glimpses of it.

Left sex for a bit but when did start trying again it was hit and miss staying up, partly performance anxiety, partly boredom an partially feeling unwanted.

I made a point that it was lacking and felt more like mates, we don’t ever share a bed ( I snore) and not knocking her but she has never told me she loves me and never just given me hug or kiss unless I’ve been really upset (when my brother died was one)
I’ve made a point of this but she says it’s the way her family are and to be fair they are like that which I kind of understand stand but doesn’t alway make me feel any better.

She made an effort to come into me in the morning for sex and it went aweful….
3 mornings on the trot I flopped just because as the door opened I knew it would and that would be exactly the same old boring virgin sex.

We had a drink that night and I said, we need some foreplay to get excited and past performance anxiety as we’re trying in the dark could I go down on you?

She hit the f@cking roof!! We argued a little and went to bed.
Next morning she hits me with maybe we should divorce, why don’t I go find a slag off Facebook, I said sorry I didn’t expect this it’s my fantasy and she replied “that’s your fantasy? It’s shit! You should have tried all that when younger (which humiliated me a bit) then said you’d just be the same as every other fucker that thinks they’re great at it and I’ll have to lay there uncomfortable.

Now this hurt and although if it isn’t her thing (which I didn’t know) why is it so bad her husband can’t try it once with her but was ok to do it with (every other fucker) to pleasure them?

Left it and just got on with things as was Christmas time.

Also before you ask I don’t have ED I’m as fit as a fiddle, and have no problems with erections.

And my wife to me is the most desirable woman in the world, but it’s like being given a Ferrari that every time you hit 10mph the brakes slam on.

Then one night I called her out and said were you pressured by exes in the past as you did stuff you don’t like and she replied “no I just went with it” and “when your younger and you try stuff to see what you like and what you dont” (which didn’t make a lot of sense as she’s clearly had exes say they’re good at it to do it and she’s obliged even if uncomfortable to satisfy them.

Later that night I said is it me? As you went with it with exes and won’t do anything with me and she said “my biggest fear is that you would say did you like that?” I said wtf? And she said “you said you were really good at it “ which I didn’t as I told her I’d never done it before.
Then that was it left at that again.

I kept telling her we need to do something new as it’s really stale and she just kept accusing me of things being all about sex and disrespecting her.

So one night after a few drinks together I said we really need to try something new, hoping to get a conversation from her and to see what she liked (not knowing after 10 years is weird in my opinion anyway) and she looks at me with daggers and says “like what?!”
I knew she thought I was on about going down on her (which I wasn’t) and had nothing in mind so first thing I thought of was blindfold.
She said “me or you?” So I said me as the other way round may be uncomfortable for her undressed and she grinned and said “leave with me”

Next day shit hits the fan “I said leave with me but thought fuck that! Who do you think you are mr grey?”

Again humiliating me.

Months pass no sex and we’re chatting in the kitchen, im washing up and she’s cooking dinner.
I tell her about one of the young lads at work boasting that his girlfriend put her finger in him during sex.
She calmly as said “my ex used to like me to do that to him”
My heart literally fell out…..I’m thinking I’m expressing how desperate I am to try new stuff other than just missionary with the woman I love more than anything and getting slapped down and you calmly tell me that????

Later that week we’re having a drink (we’re not alcoholics we make Friday night for us) and I say maybe we could try that…..she looks at me in disgust and walks off, next morning all I get is “urrr your dirty stinking arse”
I think I’m leaving, I can’t feel like this anymore and ask her outright why him and not me and she replied “maybe I liked him more” then instantly said “I didn’t mean that”
So I packed and left.

We chat I go back and she says it’s just how I’m disrespecting her.

Next day is my birthday and we go for food in the car she says I’m not a prude, it’s not what you’re asking it’s when and how.

Couple of days later she says getting head isn’t her thing, that she has never been pressured before, all of her exes have respected her.
I don’t see where I pressured her?

But she says she’s never expected of me and the fact we haven’t had a sex life hasn’t bothered her. (That worried me)

I can have missionary as much as I like so not like she’s depriving me but 10 years of missionary has took its toll and doesn’t excite me anymore.

I feel old, undesirable and ugly and can’t help but feel second best to her exes although she assures me I’m number 1.

With going down on her I think I’d never want to pressure her to do anything she didn’t want to do,but…….I also feel like maybe she could have done once to at least let me experience it, when she’s done in the past to pleasure exes.

How do I go forward with this?

Do I have the right to an explanation why not with me?

Do I have the right to ask why she doesn’t like it?

If it’s all down to her body changes how do we repair that?

Or does she just not fancy me? (I’m a big boy and not an ugly guy so can take it)

I’d never cheat but I’m going out of my mind thinking why no variation with me?

Life can be mundane and tiring with 2 toddlers and life in general and I just want some passionate sex.
I would literally try anything for her.

We’ve talked and said when we move house we can make more effort and sex will be easier but I just don’t see how

I don’t want anyone else I love my family and wife dearly but not sure I see a way forward.

What a mess, I think you both need to sit down with a relationship therapist tbh. She’s playing games with your head, possibly to deflect from her own insecurities.

You both sound total incompatible and at different stages. I wouldn't even start trying to untangle all this with a therapist as they are not miracle workers, and that is what this needs.

Leave and stay away. Have a break and when things are settled maybe start dating

Leave and don’t go back, your relationship with her & sex sounds toxic and quite frankly she sounds awful, co-parent and get your mind clear

Her route to repair is to get comfortable doing more of the same (missionary) and we can then move on to trying new stuff.
But I don’t see how that will work as it’s what’s gotten so boring and gotten us here.
so I feel uncomfortable to initiate as there’s a possibility I’ll go soft and take the blame for it as usual (her words ‘it’s my problem’)

I think you need to take sex off the table, go back to basics, both communicate your needs, if basic communication doesn’t work, then it’s unlikely things will change in the bedroom. You can start by spending one night kissing, the following night introducing some light foreplay, ie hands only and if she is willing you can then move onto oral sex, then PIV. Getting defensive with each other won’t work, honesty and listening to your husband/wife is imperative in order to move forwards. If this fails, counselling is the last option or you separate.

But I don’t see how that will work as it’s what’s gotten so boring and gotten us here.
so I feel uncomfortable to initiate as there’s a possibility I’ll go soft and take the blame for it as usual (her words ‘it’s my problem’)

it is your problem & it’s probably in your head, she is guilty tripping you to keep the status quo, after 10 years of crap sex is no wonder you are struggling quit the relationship, bin the wife and find someone who actually wants and cares for you.

This is pretty constructive….thanks.
I feel like I wish I could go back and edit my post (not sure it’s possible)
my wife does love me but she does struggle with that kind of thing, would probably be easier for me if the sex side of things were good.
I believe it all comes down to her body issues as she has not been undressed infront of me for 5 years.
I try to explain I love her body and it’s perfect but it’s no good she feels the way she does.

not sure it’s fixable, sounds like she doesn’t fancy you anymore or is just content with a boring sex like (and some people are). Perhaps she’s not comfortable with oral (God I love it!) but would she try different positions? Ask her to get on top when you’re doing missionary, or whatever other position you fancy. Would she be willing to introduce toys? Does she orgasm during your missionary sex? Maybe she’s not enjoying sex as much as she could do, many women don’t have an orgasm via missionary sex

Not sure if she fancies me anymore…..if not I’d rather her just say and I’ll move on.

she doesn’t seem comfortable to talk about what she likes, even though I have said I want her to enjoy it.

im absolutely confused, but the more I read the more I know this is all wrong.

I worry at 43 if I do leave because of sex I’d be making a mistake but surely 43 isn’t over the hill?

I was kind of hoping with age etc we’d be more inclined to try new stuff.

@Deanlad1980 you’re only 43! Definitely not over the hill!!

You are definitely not an old man at 43. You’re the same age as my husband and I still want him as much as ever.

This sounds really tough for you and I think the only way through this, if you don’t want to split up, is with some kind of relationship/sex therapy with her. I don’t like to judge what’s normal or not in someone else’s relationship but I would say that she has some issues that need addressing. She’s not treating you very well at all. It’s one thing not to like something sexually, but she should under no circumstances be making you feel awful for suggesting something which, quite frankly, it’s a normal part of sex for a lot of people.

Thanks.
she’s definitely not a prude just feels like it with me.
I have been shy/unconfident but I’m at a stage where I want to try everything at least once and see what we both like and make a good sex life.
im at the stage where I feel lonely and undesirable it’s messing with my confidence.
I know her body is a massive contributor but how do we move forward without her addressing that?
id never cheat like most of the blokes I know would but I can’t stay like this forever.
seeing her in shorts and stuff at the minute is driving me mad! It’s mine but it’s not.
like I say she says I’m uncomfortable but how am I gonna feel comfortable and what more can I do with somebody who doesn’t want to be seen naked?
id like to pull her on top as suggested but worry she’d be uncomfortable as her tummy would be on display.
I can’t even kiss her boobs as she’s not happy with them (they look perfect to me)
she is seriously body concious !

I’m going to give it 6 months from when we discussed getting comfortable and trying new stuff.
if no change I’m going to put counselling to her or walk, I’m not going to carry on like this at 44…I genuinely need love and connection.

with regard to me going down on her I even said ‘Give you oral’ to show some respect to her rather than ‘eat you out’ or something and her reply was “who even says oral! Belittling me.

when I first asked her she could have said
no it’s not my thing I tried it once but hated it “maybe we could try this instead “

but I got:

yeah but not making pornstar noises

not at the minute I’m not comfortable with my tummy

you’ll be the same as every other fucker

my biggest worry is you ask did you like that

i wasn’t initially opposed

im not comfortable with my body like I was before kids

im not a prude it’s not what your asking it’s when and how

so I’m confused to say the least.

if she asked me to try literally anything even if I didn’t like it that she’d never tried, I’d 100% try it once as there’s a possibility I may like it with her.
especially if I’d done it with exes

43 is absolutely no age, ( in a decade older) the more you post the more the issue is with your wife.

if a woman posted that it was boring sex for 10 years on his terms only, she would be told in no uncertain terms to get rid, & that’s what you should do

Certainly not too old to find another partner and be happy. People on here always worry about leaving a relationship due to lack of sex (or boring sex in your case) and whether it’s too minor an issue to leave a relationship. But generally the lack of sex signifies the fact one of the partners doesn’t find the other attractive or doesn’t really want to be with them anymore. I guess it’s difficult for your wife if she’s been raised with little emotion etc, no hugs etc. Even taking the sex out of it I can’t imagine not ever getting a hug or kiss from your partner. When I’m in a relationship with someone I fancy / love I want to hug and snog them all the time. That’s normal surely when you desire someone which is what the difference between a friendship and relationship is.

I agree with you to give this six months. Look at this as a project to save your relationship. You are at the bottom now, ok, that is the status and the mission is to make things better.
I agree with pp to put sex aside an follow a plan. Make the plan with some professional help. Get yourself in a very good shape. Work on your self esteem. Tell her that the relationship is in danger but you are going to do your part. Don’t push her. Tell her you love her. Do your part at home, show that you care. Tell her that she looks good, ask her if she has lost some weight. She will follow your lead. Tell her that you have gone to a councellor. If she wants sex tell her: no not yet, you want her to come with you to the councellor first. Work out harder. Tell her you love her and she looks sexy. Make her afraid that she might loose this guy without saying that.
If this fails, you have done all you can and she doesn’t deserve you.

Speaking as a man your age, based on the fact you clearly don't want to leave, I would see you have 2 options..

1 - Get in the same bedroom. Work on fixing the snoring, you said you're fit which presumably means you have options to fix that. You being in a separate bedroom isn't helping either of you. Work on that as a priority. Then listen to you wife and don't have a negative attitude to restarting with her with boring sex. You clearly need to restart and from what you've said that isn't going to be with wild sex. Use boring sex as a starting point to work from, build it back up. Listen to her, if she doesn't like oral sex, accept that, many women don't. Just hold her, touch her and put losing an erection right out of the mind, it's purely psychological. Build from regular boring sex (which might not be boring to her??) and build from not losing an erection from having that. For now don't suggest to her what you want to do or what she might want, just ask her what she wants? Don't think it has to be kinky in anyway, she's giving you cues from reading what you've said. Maybe long term she opens up and get's there, but right now she clearly isn't going to use that as a restart point. I would make sure I touch her regularly during the day, in a non-sexual manner. I would plant the odd kiss on her for no reason, in a non-sexual way, occasionally and not all the time. If she rejects this, she doesn't fancy you and you have your answer. I would be pulling my weight all around the house and with the kids. I'd take the kids out the house on my own and give her breaks. But I'm not doubting you're already doing this. This is what I would personally do to work on rebuilding my relationship in bed with my wife.

2 - Leave.

This makes a lot of sense and certainly worth trying. It’s not easy to just leave so I would give this a go.

I would say she could be a bit less offensive in her responses to you; she shouldn’t be making you feel bad even if she doesn’t want to try something, which of course is her right. Maybe she’s feeling really insecure and defensive and it’s coming across as a bit nasty.

I think the main issue is insecurity regarding her body.
im going to do everything I can to make it work.
she does need to open up for this to work but she doesn’t like to leave herself exposed which is a massive issue.
I wear my heart on my sleeve.

What you typed didn't give me the impression your main issue was your wife's bodily confidence. It's sounds like a whole host of smaller issues just making one big relationship mess. It sounds like she does open up to you, particularly if she's told you an ex had her putting fingers up him. Personally if this was me, I would be going back to absolute relationship basics and working off that. If you're not having normal sex and experiencing erection fails, the last thing I would be doing is asking my wife if she wanted to put a finger up me or do a 69er in the shower, I can't see how that's going to move things in a positive direction for her. I'd get my relationship right before expecting her to open up more about sex

Well it’s all made me feel old and nice to hear I’m not passed it yet.
id hate to break my family up as come from a broken family but I can’t handle the lack of connection any more.
I was never a shag around when younger and probably missed out but it’s pretty frustrating as I want to try new stuff with the person I love.

Your attitude is admirable and most relationships will benefit from putting in the effort to make them work. But don’t allow your DW to make you feel bad, she hasn’t been treating you fairly. Create some boundaries and ground rules and stick to them. Good luck ☘️

It sounds like your wife has said some quite hurtful things and you do not deserve that.

However, in her defence, if I understand correctly you are still having regular sex (albeit “boring” missionary) even though you have 2 small children? This is better than a lot of couples manage at this life stage.

She made an effort to come to your room on 3 occasions and the sex wasn’t successful. Even for a woman with the most robust self esteem, this would be difficult. If she is feeling self conscious about her appearance she must have felt crushed after this.

You do need to respect her bodily autonomy. Even if she did something 100 times with previous partners she has the absolute right to not consent in future. It is fine for you to ask or suggest things but if she says no then you need to leave it there. If she gives you an explanation that is fine but you are not “entitled” to one.

Gently, are you focusing on the lack of excitement as an excuse for going soft? I say this as you state that you have gone soft but then subsequently say that you do not have ED. You don’t need an excuse, it’s completely normal and happens to most men at some point. Viagra can help even when everything is functionally okay and it is just due to performance anxiety.

Having said all that, it’s okay to want to try new things but it probably needs to come from a point where you are both feeling a lot more secure in yourselves and in your relationship. I think therapy might be a good step towards this.

Good luck

Can anyone translate this?
she’s now saying she feels like I want from her too much?
we’ve had sex once in a year and only really spend Friday evening together.

I’m sorry, I think I misunderstood. In your original post you said

I can have missionary as much as I like so not like she’s depriving me

but you are saying you have only had sex once this year? Im a bit confused, can you clarify?