Why am I so ashamed about needing sex?

[Petalsintheplughole]

I’m heavily pregnant and my partner has avoided sex with me since conception.
he developed ED due to low testosterone and didn’t make the effort to seek treatment. We used to have sex once a fortnight then to nothing. I pushed for him to get help for his health more than the sexual needs and he hasn’t so I gave up.
I opened up about how hurt I am that he didn’t get treatment and doesn’t attempt any physical contact with me. We don’t even hug and kiss anymore as it made me think it might go further and when it didn’t I was even more hurt so I avoid it. nothing changed.
our relationship is otherwise the same, he’s a good person and has been great with the pregnancy it’s just the lack of sex getting to me.
i need to feel wanted, some passion and desire, but it’s non existent. I told him to stay with his parents so I can have a break and told him I’m considering ending it if he doesn’t make an effort to repair our relationship. He turns on the water works that due to the ED he can’t keep it up and feels too embarrassed to attempt sex. He has viagra which he used once and it worked but for some reason doesn’t bother with it now. It feels like excuses and although I know no one is entitled to sex it’s making me angry and impatient that he’s withholding an important part of a relationship, particularly when he knows sex will naturally slack with a new baby.
im now contemplating putting all my thoughts and feelings into writing for him to read as one last attempt to make him realise how soul destroying it is. I don’t know if it will work but it feels like the pathetic begging and crying I seem to do is falling on deaf ears and seeing it written down might help him understand.
The thing is I feel so ashamed, like it’s abnormal to want sex and intimacy as a woman. My ex used to pester for sex which gave me the ick and I hated him for it. Yet men feel more entitled to it and when it’s women wanting it, it’s like a forbidden sin. I’m not sex crazed I just want to feel loved and desired. I wonder if he’s gone off me now I have a huge bump. He insists he hasn’t but his actions make me feel disgusting and depressed. I feel embarrassed for letting it be the elephant in the room, but I can’t pretend I’m happy when I’m not.
I had a midwife appointment this morning and she told me to have regular sex to help my cervix, I held in tears until I got home. Something so natural is taken for granted by many couples and yet here I am.

Have any ladies here felt the same? How did you get more confidence in yourself that it’s ok to want sex? Should I write it down or just accept we’re probably over?

Hi @Petalsintheplughole

A bloke's perspective, so I hope you don't mind - please skip my response if you do.

I was really afraid of hurting my unborn child when my DW was pregnant for the first time - for some men this can crush their ability to get hard.

Without wanting to give you false hope, maybe this will resolve after you give birth and recover?

Writing down what you think/are afraid he's thinking can be a really powerful way of starting the conversation with your bloke. This can give him the space to say "oh no, it's because of..."

The thing is, you clearly can't go on like this. It is miserable and your self-esteem is being crushed.

If he won't get help, you either accept a sexless relationship or you break up and move on. I am afraid those are the choices.

You don't need to feel ashamed. Wanting sex is perfectly normal and natural.

Thanks for the replies. I’ve been pregnant before and he didn’t have these issues so I don’t think it’s connected to the baby, it’s the sudden ED that he won’t treat.
I know I have a difficult choice to make, I can’t beg him and I can’t sit around waiting either. My confidence is gone, even if he initiated today I think I would really struggle to let sex happen.

Apart from the pregnancy part I could have written this myself OP - its soul destroying isn't it? I have really struggled with knowing my sex life is potentially over in my 30s and feeling so unwanted and that i am clearly so disgusting he won't come near me or attempt to fix the issue so he wants to! I have told him how i feel but it was more or less dismissed as its not his fault. I have cried out of hurt and frustration. Feel like i live with a flat mate and single but not able to live the single life if that makes sense. On the whole i have pretty much accepted if i stay i have to live like this but I still have days of struggle over it. I love him with all my heart and he says he loves me the same but I want to be with him intimately too & I am not sure if long term I will resent him. Its been 6 months since we had sex and I am holding on that he might seek help. Long term I can't promise what the future holds but i feel so shallow giving up my marriage of 20+ years because i am not getting laid! Imagine if it was a reverse there would be outrage over it. We don't do Anything at all it's almost as if his trail of thought is that he isn't getting anything out of it so no point.. no consideration for my needs at all. Heartbreaking 💔

Imagine that your partner had needs you weren't able or willing to meet, perhaps giving them a sports massage to help with their pain...

The likelihood is that they'd seek outside help to get their needs met.

Now imagine that you tell them "I'm not happy with you getting a massage to relieve your pain and I don't want to give you one either, you're just going to have to suffer!"

Who would be the asshole here?

This seems to be what they're doing to you - they're the asshole for not meeting your needs for sex - society says you either need to get out of the relationship or put up with it.

Wouldn't it be a wake-up call for your partners if they heard "If you don't meet my needs I'll get them met elsewhere"

Sorry if this sounds harsh, I'm a bit miffed on your behalf hearing how selfish your partners are being about this. Everyone has times that they aren't feeling up to it due to health reasons... but 6+ months of not even trying is asshollery of the highest order.

In summary, you deserve to be treated better.

I totally get why you feel the way you do and it doesn’t sound like it’s just a pregnancy thing that will go away (my ex DP didn’t want to have sex with me during second pregnancy though did first) and I don’t blame you for having had enough of it. Yes you do want to feel wanted and desired by your parent and lack of sex or any physical touch is really horrible and must make you feel crap. He really does need to seek help. A letter is a good idea. Good luck. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with women wanting and enjoying sex. It’s like we are programmed to think women shouldn’t be wanting more sex than men do etc, when there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it.

When I was pregnant towards the last trimester my labido rocketed at the same time my husband was not as keen as to have sex so close to baby. It was too powerful to ignore so ended up masturbating which really helped. For me it was kind of different not the sex I was missing more the sexual release so self play was enough.some of my best orgasums in that 30 mins after he went to work! Don't get caught up on him not wanting sex its all different - just make sure you get the release and pleasure you need. happy mum = happy baby!

My husband was the same when I was pregnant- wouldn’t come near me after 16 weeks when I started to show. It did get better eventually but we didn’t do it again until our baby was a year old, so it was a long time!

I hope you find a way to fix it, and that it improves after you’ve had the baby.

You're going through a massive change at the moment. Pregnancy hormones racing around your body won't be helping.

There's clearly an issue here that needs to be resolved but I'm not sure threatening to leave whilst heavily pregnant is a sensible option.

He knows how you feel. He's an arse for doing nothing about it. There are ways he can make you feel desired and wanted without penetrative sex. Kisses, strokes, massage... Have you explored that? He can't use his ED as an excuse for a lack of intimacy generally.

You absolutely need to find ways to stay connected to each other, even more so when the baby is born.

I have to say that I'm surprised to read that so many men won't go near their partner's when they are pregnant! Really odd I think. Loved my wife being pregnant. We had quite a bit of sex. Different story when the screaming assassin arrives though....bit more difficult then!

He really needs to get treatment if his testosterone is low.

In addition to ED he is at increased risk of dementia and osteoporosis amongst other conditions. He has a responsibility to his unborn child to keep his health optimal for their sake (and he is being a twat for neglecting your perfectly reasonable wish for sex)

My husband completely went off sex when I was pregnant. We maybe had sex once or two times in the the first few months and then it stopped altogether. He did eventually admit it was because he found the thought of it “weird” which I was happy to accept as the reason. I know it’s very common for some men to feel strange about having sex with their pregnant partner so I didn’t make an issue of it.

We then didn’t have sex for well over a year once the baby had been born.

Everything then went back to normal afterwards though.

Believe me OP, this may seem like a big deal now but it will absolute pale into insignificance when the baby comes along and your world is turned upside down.

Don’t make any rash decisions at this point in your life. Re-evaluate after the baby is born and you are 6 months down the line into parenthood and see how things stand then.

Sex may seem like a priority now but very soon it probably wont even be on your radar.

I don’t think considering ending the relationship when you are pregnant because sex isn’t taking place is the best path right now.