Libido through the roof and feeling rejected

[sundrenchedlandscapes]

Namechanged for this. Sorry, it may be long and disjointed as I'm not really sure wher my head is at!

Been with DH for 12 years, married for 3. I'm 50, he's mid-40s. I love him, find him very attractive etc. He tells me he loves and fancies me. I would say that we are happily married; we like to spend time together, have shared interests, shared values, make each other laugh etc. We are very tactile and affectionate with each other in everyday life. Life together is generally really good.

But...our libidos and attitudes to sex have always been somewhat mismatched, and since I hit the perimenopause, it's got worse. My libido has skyrocketed, whilst as time goes on he seems to have got less and less interested in me physically. I am relatively adventurous, whilst he has previously described himself as a 'bit of a prude'. We have sex on average once a week, sometimes far less, and pretty much always on a weekend morning. It's always nice, and sometimes it's genuinely good, but it's predictable as hell, and it feels as if it's always on his terms. I never initiate any more as over the years I've been rejected by him so many times that I feel scared to try. I can't take the embarrassment or feeling like a.bloody desperate sex pest!

He has had some minor problems with ED and was given viagra which he's never used. Most of the time it's fine though, although I am aware that of course it bothers him.

Then a few weeks ago, we went away for the weekend, got a bit drunk together and had the most amazing night. Inhibitions had disappeared and it was fantastic (by our standards, probably still fairly vanilla for many but I loved it). He said at the time that he wanted us to be more experimental and spontaneous in bed. I was over the moon as I felt we'd broken through a wall that had been up between us. I was so happy!

Anyway when we got home after the weekend I ordered some lingerie and other bits and bobs, excited to gently move things in a more 'interesting' direction with DH - nothing major or OTT! But...he told me that he didn't want to ever do any of the stuff we'd done that weekend again (things that he'd initiated!) and made the point that he was drunk at the time. The lingerie stayed in its box.

So, we're back to square one, and I'm feeling rejected and frustrated. We've had sex since, and it's been fine, but I just feel as if it's so routine and predictable. I really really love and fancy my DH but I feel sexually rejected by him and as if I'm either too much, or somehow not enough. As time goes on I am getting increasingly frustrated and also feeling as if I'm not attractive to him anymore.

I don't need for us to be swinging from the chandeliers every night but equally the idea of doing the same thing once a week (if I'm lucky) for the rest of my life is depressing. I just want to feel like he really, really wants me now and again.

Is there anything I can do to shift this dynamic?

Sorry to hear that, have you thought about brining up couples counselling to go over sexual problems? Something as important as this could only become a bigger and bigger problem the longer you both leave it. In the meantime, I’d recommend experimenting with masturbation if you haven’t already, it works for me during the pre menopause

I think this is so common and can completely relate to this. We struggle to get time for sex due to busy lives and young kids. My labido is really high where he is more take it or leave it. Which means that when we go thought periods of not being able to do it, he is not fussed while im bloody desperate! It's difficult to bring up as not just him our life, but I know he needs it more he would take more risks or push to do it. As @BloominFlower mentioned if not already try masturbation. I rarely used to masturbate (had to be something specific that got me going), but recently its become a necessity and certainly does help and keeps the frustration in check.

I don’t know what to say but I’m in the same position, except I’m 40 and suddenly experiencing a huge surge in sex drive. It has always been higher than his. We go weeks without sex though so I get very frustrated. He can’t help it though I guess.

If you find the magic answer please let me know!

I do masturbate. It's not the same! It's not just about the physical sensation, it's about wanting my husband to show that he wants me, that he's turned on by me.

It's not even as if we have kids living with us...we have tons and tons of time together when it's just the two of us.

He would never ever agree to counselling.

Sounds tricky, you may have to try and convince him about counselling or some other alternative, otherwise it’ll most likely stay the same for the foreseeable future. Maybe when you’re alone try find ways to turn him on?

our libidos and attitudes to sex have always been somewhat mismatched, and since I hit the perimenopause, it's got worse. My libido has skyrocketed

Could he just overwhelmed by your current libido and with some ED feels uncomfortable trying to perform?

just trying to think of an equivalent, is it like some one who does park run one a week, being asked to run 10k daily?

Anyway when we got home after the weekend I ordered some lingerie and other bits and bobs, excited to gently move things in a more 'interesting' direction with DH -

without prying, I assume you mean, regular toys & lube etc, and not whips & chains or something that was way out of his comfort zone?

Im 40 too and have had a huge increase on my sex drive over the last 6 months. We are doing it once a week / 2 weeks as we have always done which has in the past been fine for both of us. But im finding I am needing it again pretty much the next day and the smallest things turn me on. Im not sure of the answer yes I want more sex and intimacy but thats not a realistic option - kids about and he works away fair amount but I am struggling with it. Yes masturbation helps (it does help a lot!) and is a necessity but still the real desire is more sex. It's not just the physical feeling of being turned, my mind is also very active thinking about sex or erotic stuff. which then doesn't help keep calm..Im finding that if I dont have sex or an orgasum before sleep im waking up in the early hours worked up... and often neither of those things are easy to do... - I think im broken lol!

I could have written your post, word for word, in fact I had to check it wasn't a post of mine from the past.

I am 53, DH is 50, and we have been like this for at least 7 years. I have tried everything, but nothing really gets better. He has ED, but not all the time. Sex is better on holiday. But it's not consistent. Our last holiday, we only did it once, but the holiday before that, we did it loads (holidays were only 3 months apart).

At home, it's almost non existent. But shift patterns mean we can be passing ships in the bedroom, which does not help.

He knows how unhappy it makes me, but with virtually no sex drive, he doesn't initiate. The only saving grace, is that my own libido seems to be reducing now, so whilst I'm still disappointed in the lack of sex, I don't feel quite so desperate as I used to.

So, in my experience I doubt your DH will change now.

I am not going to divorce him. Everything else is great. We love each other, have a lovely home, finances are good, brilliant holidays. In our case as well, we both need to lose about 2 stone, so I'm secretly hoping that our sex life might improve if we are less body conscious.

Whatever you do, if he is like my DH, it wont make a blind bit of difference. I've stopped trying. If there is no sex drive, it's just not there. In my mind, I compared it to smoking. My DH smokes (lightly). I don't. No matter how much he paraded cigarettes in front of me, it would never make me desire one, because I don't. It's that simple.

So you accept this is it, or you leave him.

I absolutely agree with you. Doing it on your own is not the same at all. I’ve had a few talks with my DH this week and it’s moving in a much more positive direction.

Ignore this as not helpful in the least but I'm in my 50's too and jealous of your libido!

This is so difficult, I worry I'll be in your shoes in some time :/ after married 20 years and avoiding sex with ex, I am now 42 and horny af. I think it has improved (or gone worst!) after I left the pill for copper coil, and now I'm divorced and dating a wonderful man. We have amazing sex, but he told me he didnt want sex with his ex towards the end, so whenever he's not in the mood or cant finish I feel anxious it's the beginning of the end for us... my ex was always in the mood and never lost it midway, so I'm used to reject, not be rejected...? i know he loves me but he gets easily anxious with work etc and overthink things which impact our sex lives... I guess difference is we are early in relationship so I started bringing it up.now so we can look for solutions...

@sundrenchedlandscapes I too could have written your post word for word. I am 55 dp of 5 years is 61.
I have asked( insisted) he go for blood tests to check his hormone levels as his sex drive has become increasingly non existent and he is perms tired.

We are down mostly to once a weekend morning - it’s like sex by numbers- boring and predictable. There is no ‘passion’ from him, no wanting.
we have always known our sex drives are mismatched but I could cope with the three times a week it was to start with.
we used to have sex at night, then that stopped, midweek sex stopped, then Friday morning sex stopped.
I am always rejected if I initiate so I have stopped doing that. Now I actually get out of bed to avoid it- he is so predictable that it is easy for me to do it.

I feel resentful that it is always on his terms. There is no compromise. I want to have sex but not like this.
I am hoping and praying that his testosterone levels are low and he will be given something to top them up.
He is generally very very tired all of the time- like silly tired. Other blood works have not flagged anything- the hormone tests are the one thing that haven’t been done.

I’m just out of a 6yr relationship and we were at it like rabbits (in our 40’s), and DGF loved sex together (judging by the noises and the physical reaction) DGF fell very ill with long covid 4 years ago and everything fell off a cliff. For everyone suggestion that masturbating/wanking/knocking one out is the answer - they are wrong - it is not the same at all as sharing, loving, giving each other extreme pleasure is the point of sex.

What did he initiate? I'm in a similar boat, but without the wild weekend - let us live vicariously through u!