Wanting love and a relationship, when you don’t want sex. is it possible?

[IsThereAnEchoInHere]

I think it’s a no. At least going from my experience.
I’m a romantic fool and always wanted a life partner, I’ve been single all my life, but never learn to be very good at it.
Although I’m not sure loneliness is something you can ever get used to.
Well anyway, learned young and pretty fast tgat everyone just wanted sex.
Lost my hope in live even being real for awhile, and also thought that let them get the sex out of their system - I can wait and then focus on things that actually matter.
Well, older I and we all got, but they still demand sex.
I’m probably on my last moments of trying to find someone and it’s just not looking good.
Is it possible to find a partner if you can’t have sex?
It just seems so unfair.

I think it’s possible, but for most of people of both genders sex is an integral part of any relationship , so I think your pool of potential partners is going to be quite small

You've said 'don't want sex' and 'can't have sex' in your OP.

If you have reasons for wanting a celibate life, there may be others who also want that but as @acpk55 says, it's a small pool, unless you are happy for a partner to exercise their libido elsewhere - there is a much wider pool of candidates for that!

The situation that you seem to find distasteful is recognised by most people as the 'honeymoon period' where a new couple find it hard to keep their hands off each other. In my experience that wanes fairly quickly and many people end up having sex infrequently or not at all.

Have you explored your reasons for wanting/needing to enforce strict boundaries in your relationships with anyone else?

Have you explored your reasons for wanting/needing to enforce strict boundaries in your relationships with anyone else?

Yes and no. I know myself and I just indeed both, want it nor can’t have it.

It’s funny hiw you said that I have strict boundary, I have alway seen it as others having extremely rigid rules of how relationships has to be like.

I think it's possible as long as you are upfront from the start and the other person is on the same wavelength as you, but I agree with the person upthread that it is going to limit your pool of partners. Your idea of sex seems a little bit off as well. It's OK not to want it, but you make it sound as though people are wrong for wanting it and as though it's something to be dismissed, when actually for most people, it's a pretty integral part of a fulfilling adult relationship.
If you've never had a relationship and depending on how old you are, maybe you are better single, as there's obviously some reason behind why that is, assuming you have wanted relationships in the past. I don't mean that offensively. Maybe it's deeper connections you want, rather than a relationship?

Maybe it's deeper connections you want, rather than a relationship?

No, I’ve always wanted someone to share and build a life with.
With someone who is lovely and we love each other.
Deep connection too, of course.
But I’ve always wanted a relationship.

I’ve listen to and read pretty much anything and everything one can about being single, social expectations, patriarchy and amatonormativity and more, I still want a loving relationships, can’t shake it.

I’m not really seeing how my view on sex is ’off’, it’s just a different way of thinking oerhaps, but it’s not ’off’ (as in wrong or worse or something I have to change. There is no one way of looking at things or way to be.)

It was when you said about getting sex out the way to get onto the more important stuff that seemed a bit weird to me. There are other important things in a relationship of course, but sex isn't a flippant thing that people just do on the early stages to get out the way. That's not to say you are wrong, you're obviously just not a sex driven person like the vast majority of people but it will probably hold you back from finding a relationship.

That’s what it just always felt/feels like to me.
No matter how much people try and tell me it’s the make it or brake it’s still unbeliavable to me.
It wasn’t meant to be personal, if that’s hiw you took it.

It’s only because love is so important to me, that it seems strange to want to pss it just because some smahsing of genitalia 🤷🏽‍♀️
Again, nothing personal, just how it looks like from my side.

I wonder if you'd have a wider pool of experience and responses in the "relationships" forum?

I tried aibu, no luck.
Mostly just saying it can’t happen 😔

The truth of it is, is that the vast majority of people want to have sex in a relationship. It’s important in the beginning as it helps develop that intimacy with a partner that you don’t get anywhere else. Unless you find a partner with the same views as yourself, you will inevitably find it very difficult to source someone to share your life with. Perhaps try asexual dating sites/forums? There must be some.

In my personal view, a relationship without sex is just a friendship, even if you live with them (caveat to say that if you’ve already had a sexual relationship with said person but no longer do so, that is different as you have developed that intimacy with them).

Not enjoying sex is completely alien to me, but I hope you find what you’re looking for.

Sex is incredibly important - though not to everyone - and I would recommend OP trying asexual dating sites, as mentioned previously.

I think I get where OP is coming from though. It does feel like, for men, it's literally all about sex. Generally women need that emotional connection before sex and everything else will, hopefully, follow. But for men, sex is more important and it certainly feels like the only reason they're doing the romantic stuff, the only reason he's with you is because of the sex. And when you're with someone because you love everything else about them and not just the sex... well, that's pretty soul destroying.

I've literally been told "90% of the time you're more than a sex object. But there are times when....". It made me realise that actually, I'm most likely viewed as that 100% of the time. And most men probably think this about most women too, if we're being honest.

Do you not show affection to family members? Hugging, holding hands with children, arm round a parent?
Do you shrink away from all physical contact.

It’s probably kinder all round if you remain alone rather than have some poor soul suffer a sexless relationship with you

@IsThereAnEchoInHere

If I were to suggest of a label for what you're describing, I'd say you were asexual as you seem to have no desire for sex, in fact it seems to be a cost you're paying to have a relationship.

Being asexual isn't a problem as long as you are upfront about it, and it works for your partner(s).

There are loads of options that could work, such as:

1. Finding a partner that's asexual too
2. Being okay with your partner having their sexual needs met elsewhere, e.g. as part of an open relationship
3. Joining a polyamourous relationship

All of the above can be done ethically, as long as you are clear that you don't want sex!

A quick google shows at least 3 asexual dating apps!

Apologies if you don't feel this label fits, however it may be useful to find what you need.

Very good advice - I wish there was a like button on here.

Thanks @DixonD much appreciated

It’s probably kinder all round if you remain alone rather than have some poor soul suffer a sexless relationship with you

Whu should I be doomed to loneliness just because I can’t have sex? That’s crazy. ’poor soul’? That’s rude. Of course they would be someone likeminded, so would be happy to find love and not have to have sex.

But for men, sex is more important and it certainly feels like the only reason they're doing the romantic stuff, the only reason he's with you is because of the sex.

That’s very sad 😞

And when you're with someone because you love everything else about them and not just the sex... well, that's pretty soul destroying.

I totally know the soul destroying part all too well. It’s horrible to love someone and all they wanted was a leg over.
It’s a horrible feeling!

Being asexual isn't a problem as long as you are upfront about it

Yes, I’ve always been honest that I don’t do sex.

Finding a partner that's asexual too

I hope one day I can meet someone who doesn’t want sex/is asexual and/or can accept and respect me even though I don’t want sex

Being okay with your partner having their sexual needs met elsewhere, e.g. as part of an open relationship

Open relationship would be fine, as long as it’s only about sex.

Joining a polyamourous relationship

Nope, this one I could never do! I’d get too jealous, I want all the love or none of it!

@IsThereAnEchoInHere it sounds like you know yourself pretty well and you have a realistic view on what could work for you.

Did you have any luck with looking at dating apps for asexual people?

Not all men are only after sex.
I'm of dating, men in London were hitting that sweet spot aged mid to late 30s where they were looking for a proper relationship with marriage and a future together.
Now if they'd been told, I want that too
But we won't have sex ever..... perhaps they wouldn't have stuck around. But I don't see that as a negative.
They liked ALL of me, which included, but was not limited to, my sexy.

The best advice you've had here is to join an asexual dating app. Because your situation is very unusual and so will require a person also looking for the same situation.

Are you only attracted to men OP? I think finding a man looking for a relationship without sex would be unusual.

How do you feel about physical intimacy that isn't sexual, things like cuddling, kissing etc?

Is it specifically PIV that you don't want or is it all sexual activity? What about sensual things like massage? Do you enjoy receiving physical touch, what about giving it?

I think love is possible without sex but an awful lot harder without a physical/ sensual relationship of some kind.

I’m 46 and M and single. Recently out of a 6/7 year relationship. I’ve been on various dating sites, and randomly met ladies and we’ve had ONS but I’m happy with cuddles, waking up together, the ladies have had oral and stimulation and have loved their time but I’ve been happy without even a happy ending - if it happens then great - but that’s not the purpose. Long term relationships when everyone is geared together is fabulous, ONS serve a purpose (sometimes) but it’s nothing compared to the real thing.

@NoBiscuitsLeftInMyTin
Are you saying you can love (in a romantic way) and would be in a relationship without sex?

I’m not sure what you’re saying…

Are you only attracted to men OP?

Yes, I’m only attracted to men in a romantic way.

How do you feel about physical intimacy that isn't sexual, things like cuddling, kissing etc?

I don’t think I’d be a big fan. Maybe some hugs, cuddling seems to suffocating. Small, quick kisses would probably be fine, no tongue stuff etc.

Is it specifically PIV that you don't want or is it all sexual activity? What about sensual things like massage? Do you enjoy receiving physical touch, what about giving it?

I don’t want any of it / nudity.
I do not like to be touched or toiching people.

@IsThereAnEchoInHere I think you should definitely take a look into asexuality. Try AVEN - Asexuality Visibility & Education Network. You will find many like-minded people who totally understand where you're coming from. There are dating sites specifically for asexuals too, perhaps someone at AVEN could point you to the best one.

They all wanted relationships, they loved every part of you.

I guess it's possible they wanted those things. It's also possible they were telling you those things just to have sex with you.