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Original poster

Male partner’s sex drive and interest getting worse and worse

19 replies

BigButtons · 20/06/2023 07:55

I met my current partner 4 years ago. I was 51- now 55. He is about to turn 62. Sex was ok in frequency for about the first 2 years- 3 times a week/ it was a compromise for me, but I could live with it. I would have liked it more.
He is very unadventurous and quite frankly didn’t seem to have much of a clue about female pleasure . He doesn’t like giving or receiving oral sex. He is though one of the most consider and kind men I have ever met
over the last year sex has become less- dropped to 2 times a week for quite a while now. Now it has been nearly 2 weeks . I see a pattern. we do talk about it and he just says my sex drive is much higher. Whilst this is true I am made to feel as if I am some kind of demanding woman. I don’t feel free to express myself sexually and always have to wait for him to show an interest.
I suspect he has low testosterone. He is generally lethargic and depressed- without life stressors. He has had various blood work done over the years- thyroid, iron levels etc and all have come back normal.
I have urged him to get his testosterone levels checked out but of course he feels crappy about it. I am on HRT and have said my quality of life is immeasurably improved because of it. Why would men not seek similar help?
He says he will try and book a blood test today. I suspect he won’t though.
Are there any people here with a similar issue? I feel really desperate. The thought of my sex life disappearing whilst he slips into decrepitude without a fight is so depressing.
Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
BigButtons · 20/06/2023 08:24

As an example.
I suggested sex last night. He was of course too tired. Evening sex was always on the agenda early in the relationship but hardly ever ever happens now.
he said let’s wake up early and do it. He initiated this morning, but basically wanted to get straight on with it without any foreplay at all. I gently asked him for foreplay. After a short time his lost his errection. He was then not interested. I asked him if he could pleasure me. He got the ‘toy’ and just held it there. I wriggled a bit and it moved to my stomach. He just held it there and asked me if it felt good 🥴.
at this point I told him that he was clearly not interested and that the toy was actually on my stomach.
He complained that I had moved! I pointed out that he was supposed to actually be aware and present and involved. Was I supposed to stay stock still during sex?
it’s shit isn’t it?
what can I do?

OP posts:
Confessions88 · 20/06/2023 09:06

This sounds very similar to my ex-partner, he was pretty clueless and not willing to learn but he was a nice bloke, what I thought was good sex, was just mediocre sex at best. We was a lot younger than you though. I ended up cheating, not ideal but I realised sex was so much more than what I was having, I ended the relationship after. It depends what is important to you, whether infrequent and poor sex is something you can accept and focus on his good attributes - kind and considerate, or whether you want to end the relationship and seek what you’re missing. It sounds like he wants to skip to PIV to avoid him losing his erection but if that’s the case and he can’t stay hard, he has hands and a mouth to give you pleasure. I would keep guiding him and teaching him about how your body works and see how he responds to that.

Original poster
BigButtons · 20/06/2023 09:32

Thanks @Confessions88 he says he has had a lot of sexual partners. I have to reach the conclusion that the sec with them was as uninteresting as it is with me
he really seems clueless about women. Doesn’t seem to know where anything is and what to do. He won’t do oral.
yes- I have to make the decision at some point. When I got together with him I had been 10 years out of an abusive and mainly sexless relationship and I was o grateful to be having any kind of sec again- even crap sex🥴

OP posts:
xpc316e · 20/06/2023 10:53

If he gets his testosterone levels checked (and there are kits to do this available over the web for about £40), please be aware that the results can come back as normal (for a man of his age) when what he may wish to do is elevate his testosterone levels back to what they were when he was a more virile version of himself.

I have had my levels checked a couple of times in the past and because my levels are normal (for a man of my age), the NHS isn't interested in doing anything for me.

Original poster
BigButtons · 20/06/2023 11:55

xpc316e · 20/06/2023 10:53

If he gets his testosterone levels checked (and there are kits to do this available over the web for about £40), please be aware that the results can come back as normal (for a man of his age) when what he may wish to do is elevate his testosterone levels back to what they were when he was a more virile version of himself.

I have had my levels checked a couple of times in the past and because my levels are normal (for a man of my age), the NHS isn't interested in doing anything for me.

That’s a good point- I have had similar issues with my hormone levels . He has many other symptoms that would point to this being the case- fatigue, low mood, ED, loss of muscle tone. It will be hard to get him to fight his corner because he basically doesn’t want to admit that this could be an issue.
I get that completely ,it makes him feel less manly- but what is the alternative? Feeling crappy and low, unable to have sex it even want it and basically so tired you can barely function once the work day is over. Surely that wouldn’t make someone feel very manly either?🤷🏻‍♀️

OP posts:
acpk55 · 20/06/2023 18:00

BigButtons · 20/06/2023 07:55

I met my current partner 4 years ago. I was 51- now 55. He is about to turn 62. Sex was ok in frequency for about the first 2 years- 3 times a week/ it was a compromise for me, but I could live with it. I would have liked it more.
He is very unadventurous and quite frankly didn’t seem to have much of a clue about female pleasure . He doesn’t like giving or receiving oral sex. He is though one of the most consider and kind men I have ever met
over the last year sex has become less- dropped to 2 times a week for quite a while now. Now it has been nearly 2 weeks . I see a pattern. we do talk about it and he just says my sex drive is much higher. Whilst this is true I am made to feel as if I am some kind of demanding woman. I don’t feel free to express myself sexually and always have to wait for him to show an interest.
I suspect he has low testosterone. He is generally lethargic and depressed- without life stressors. He has had various blood work done over the years- thyroid, iron levels etc and all have come back normal.
I have urged him to get his testosterone levels checked out but of course he feels crappy about it. I am on HRT and have said my quality of life is immeasurably improved because of it. Why would men not seek similar help?
He says he will try and book a blood test today. I suspect he won’t though.
Are there any people here with a similar issue? I feel really desperate. The thought of my sex life disappearing whilst he slips into decrepitude without a fight is so depressing.
Thanks

To be honest there is no equivalent HRT treatment for men, he can get a Testosterone level check on the NHS, but unless he is on his knees they won’t do anything about it, the health service doesn’t care about the sex lives of older men.

you would be better off looking at someone like Numan and one of their tests, but it would probably come back as within normal range

acpk55 · 20/06/2023 19:51

@BigButtons Just to add, I’m basically the male version of you, my DW has gone through menopause but done nothing about it or than be a martyr, so her sex drive is dead and I’m the fed up one.

Original poster
BigButtons · 20/06/2023 20:24

@acpk55 dp works in the NHS so can get a bit of fast tracking bloods- wise. Think he is getting some taken this week. The senior nurses know what to ask for. I am hoping that because of his extreme lethargy and fatigue that they won’t just look at it is from a libido stand point.
ironically women can be given testosterone as part of HRT if libido is low. Pity they won’t do the same thing for men then. Or are men supposed to have an endless desire for sex no matter their age🤔

OP posts:
acpk55 · 21/06/2023 07:06

Men are supposed to have an endless desire no matter what age they are.
obviously men have access to ED meds, they help with the mechanics of sex, but not the desire.
in a slightly odd way I think HRT gives middle aged women a kind of midlife boost that middle aged men don’t get.

Original poster
BigButtons · 21/06/2023 07:12

@acpk55 i agree. It’s great that women’s sexual needs and issues related to menopause are finally being addressed, but if they haven’t got similarly enthusiastic partners then that’s a bit gutting all round.

OP posts:
acpk55 · 21/06/2023 07:27

BigButtons · 21/06/2023 07:12

@acpk55 i agree. It’s great that women’s sexual needs and issues related to menopause are finally being addressed, but if they haven’t got similarly enthusiastic partners then that’s a bit gutting all round.

Yes indeed, my DW has lost all interest in sex now, so I’m the same boat as you ( albeit at the other end 😂 )

GentlemanJay · 21/06/2023 08:38

I'd prefer less sex but better quality. Mixing it up.

Nocirculation · 21/06/2023 14:46

My wife likes PiV as foreplay so that we can get down to the proper pleasure of oral for her!!! I don't mind though, it works for us. By way of improving testosterone, sleep, vit d, lift weights and add novelty.

CallieQ · 27/06/2023 10:48

There are herbal supplements he could try... not sure if they work though

Enola72 · 27/06/2023 19:12

I must’ve had high testosterone (as a woman) when I went through the menopause. I went through the sex surge (didn’t even know about it) and my husband was also crap at sex but I was so inexperienced I didn’t have a clue about what I was missing. I didn’t fancy him at all after a few years and we drifted into a sexless marriage, not because I had low libido but because I didn’t fancy him. As the sex surge took hold, I - naturally - sought out another man. Cheated. Numerous times. My eyes were opened - wide!! I ended my marriage. No regrets apart from spending so long in a dead marriage. I’m through menopause now but still very sexual.

Sometimes some men are just clueless! My husband was. He lacked passion. Never looked at women. Maybe gay?? I’ll never know.

It sounds like your guy is struggling with ED. Maybe low testosterone.

Enola72 · 27/06/2023 19:14

Oh and my husband didn’t know what foreplay was! Never did anything! Didn’t like kissing either!!

OM took me to heaven and back!

Original poster
BigButtons · 28/06/2023 06:51

@Enola72 he is still trying to arrange blood tests to check his hormone levels- he is not trying very hard 🤔.

OP posts:
Enola72 · 28/06/2023 08:10

BigButtons · 28/06/2023 06:51

@Enola72 he is still trying to arrange blood tests to check his hormone levels- he is not trying very hard 🤔.

He’s not that bothered then.

Original poster
BigButtons · 28/06/2023 08:16

Enola72 · 28/06/2023 08:10

He’s not that bothered then.

Show quote history

I think he’s embarrassed and it makes him feel less manly to admit that he might be low in hormones. I have said to him that women all have this issue and that why would you suffer unnecessarily. If you were low in iron for example you would take a supplement.
I will prompt him again.
but surely having a low sex drive and periodic ED wouldn’t exactly make you feel like a sex god either?🤷🏻‍♀️

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