ED and its here to stay

[NotAnotherO]

Feel very disloyal posting this. We have been married for 18 years. Sex has always been great, unfortunately ED reared its head a couple of years ago. This has got progressively worse to the point even Viagra isn't 100% now and quite a lot of work, for want of a better way of explaining it, has to go in to getting to the point we can have sex. Its a bit of a passion killer to be honest, but I love my husband and can't imagine how he must be feeling, so I have perservered.

Essentially, nothing can be done beyond what we are already doing. So this post is less about how to fix it, more about how to cope! Which sounds selfish I know

I'm 39. I still have a sex drive, although my confidence has gone quite a bit, i'm a bit out of practice!. I miss the spontaneity of sex, feeling like I am desired and wanted, I miss it being effortless. I am also sad for my husband who also cannot really enjoy sex as we used to, the anxiety of not knowing what will happen. For the record he is very willing to do other things (as am I, but this issue is the same regardless of whether its penetrative sex or not) however I feel uncomfortable with a one way arrangement for the majority of the time. It feels unfair to him. I appreciate I can masturbate, but its not quite the same as the intimacy you get with your partner.

I love him very much and we will not be separating over this. Nor will I be looking for anyone else.

How do I manage this going forwards? It would be much easier if I had no interest in sex, but I do!

Do I take up knitting or something?!

Have a very honest conversation with your DH and get his take on things. How does he really feel about using toys on you? Going down on you when you can’t always reciprocate?

Of course there are more ways to give him sexual pleasure, depending on how open to kink you both are…prostate massage, pegging, rimming don’t require an erection.

Dont stop hugging, kissing, touching, give sensual massages. I wouldn’t separate or look for someone else in your situation either, you just need to get a little creative and really, really communicate.

Thank you @Mermaidparades to be fair, he is insistent on doing other things for me, he is very giving with oral and always has been, in the past using toys have been part of our sex life anyway but he is more reluctant with these now (vibes he is ok with, but anything penetrative is a sensitive subject!). He dislikes pegging/prostate massage. I am open to trying new things and we have experimented with a few kinks in the past, its just a bit more difficult now. We have talked quite a bit, it is a bit of an over exhausted topic and what I 100% don't want to do is make him unhappy by ɓringing it up more. He is already fairly fixated on it.

We could definitely work on the kissing/touching more, I guess I am worried that the longer this goes on for our spark will go completely and we will lose what we have.

Is the ED health related that a lifestyle change might assist with? I presume you've already exhausted these avenues since you mentioned it's here to stay and Viagra is not achieving its prescribed purpose.

There are other treatments to try, maybe these aren’t suitable though. You’re doing everything you can really, I don’t think I have any other suggestions. ED is such a huge deal for men, I can imagine this is so stressful for you both. As the partner, it’s getting a balanced response is the tricky thing- don’t want sympathy to be misconstrued as pity, can’t seem too chill or that may come across as uncaring. I would tell him that I want him to guide me, what does he want to happen now? How does he want you to support him?

I will focus on the coping angle from a Physical perspective.

Woukdnit be possible to include others in your physical relationship? A threesome for instance.

Not all guys can handle it of course, but some guys love it and live seeing their partner pleasures. plenty of clubs and parties you can go to, to find suitable partners and some can be long term too.

Thank you for your suggestions and replies.

Yes unfortunately we have exhausted everything GP wise and now its Viagra or bust. He wants to carry on as we are, which we are doing, carry on trying etc.

No, I have no interest in introducing someone else into our relationship and he would find it humilating.

I suppose over time we will get used to it. I hope!

Carrying on as you are will surely lead to more frustration? If nothing has changed then nothing will change.

Has your husband been referred on by his GP? He doesn’t need to accept this as his future until all other options have been exhausted. There’s pumps, injections, prosthetics.

Slighty confused OP as your last post says now viagra or bust but you say that Viagra not 100 percent effective as if you have already tried it a lot.
No need for details but can I/we ask how close to 100 per cent?
For viagra isn't of course 100 per cent effective. Bloke needs to be aroused. I stress that that last sentence is no reflection on you. May be something else in the situation.
Don't give up. I admire your approach to this.

His GP told him that the only option he had to try was Viagra, he was prescribed something else before, Tildanefil? I think, which was briefly helpful, maybe a month or so, then went to Viagra. Initially it was more reliable, but now I would say maybe 10-20% overall effectiveness, sometimes its better other times it is worse. Without it, there is no response at all.

Yes we have tried it for a lot, I think its been about 14 or 15 months? I know the other one didn't work for long and he was fairly quickly switched across.

The arousal thing is something that has caused a lot of angst my side, but he assures me he IS but it is not getting a physical response-I can only go off what he tells me to be true. I don't think there is anything or anyone else (I am 100% sure on the latter).

Yes carrying on trying can be frustrating but neither of us want to let our sex life completely fade away.

The GP has tried everything they can within Primary Care, so now they need to refer your DH to a specialist. This is not the end of all options for your DH and I’m sorry that he’s clearly left his appointment believing that it is.

Can he get hard alone, ie to masturbate? Does he still get morning glory? X

Have you tried any CBD products to see if they help? There are mixed reviews on it and I don't think there is any actual science that it works.

Years ago the mother in law let it slip that my father in law could only get it up when he had smoked cannabis (particularly messy divorce and they take any opportunity available to belittle the other)

@NotAnotherO I second getting a referral to a specialist as I have always understood their are potentially surgical options.

Posting more in sympathy here. As someone who has been going though a bout of ED myself I feel for you both.

You say you miss being desired. But he probably does desire you. For me ED has been like having a glorious dinner in front of me, I load up my fork, raise it to my mouth - and my mouth just doesn't open. It just doesn't react. The brain signals are there, the appetite is there, but nothing happens. Or like reaching down to pick something up, and your arms don't exert any strength.

I had thought I was quite phlegmatic about problems in life, but this really got to me. There was another thread where the OP's boyfriend curled up in a ball and cried. The OP wasn't sure whether to end the relationship. The difference between me and him is that I know I have my DW's support. He faced losing everything.

I'm just under 50. But it's a reminder to me that at some point penetrative sex will end, and we will have to adapt, and be reconciled to that.

Sounds like lazy work from GP (yes, I am in a position to comment).

Other health issues should also be looked at.

On the psychological aspect, Viagra won't work in tha absence of interest/arousal. But also consider stress and it's effects, it can block psychological arousal.

I went to my GP too. He read from a list of possible causes and said that it could just be I was getting old hmmph.

He still desires you and he'll still get a lot of pleasure from doing 'other stuff' with you. I believe him when he says he's excited. So deffo keep playing with him, you are giving him pleasure, I promise you.

Not sure what can be done on the medical side but it's only a couple of hundred quid to see a specialist that first time. Why not get your GP to refer you to a private guy and see what happens.

This may be a stupid question, but does your man always take Viagra on a completely empty stomach? I find that any food renders it useless.

Thank you so much for your replies, its great to get perspective from people who have experienced this too!

The GP was really rather dismissive and this did not help-DH reluctant to go back. He didnt tell me what was said, but i got the impression it was implied to expect this and its how it is. They did full blood work and everything was normal in that regard. He is in his 40s. We do have more success in the morning-not always, though. Sometimes he can get hard through masturbation, which I have encouraged for him to do in private, but even then it can be a bit hit and miss.

The viagra before/with/after food isn't something I have paid all that much attention to as he tends to take it discreetly. so definitely not a stupid question at all, as this is something i just hadnt thought of.

I will try and broach the subject of specialists, although I have to say that a surgical option is very scary as things can and do go wrong (in far worse ways than ED!), I wouldn't want him to take any big risks, although would.obviously support him.

It is heartbreaking to think of someone curled up in a ball crying with someone thinking of ending the relationship over ED @Catullus5 That is not an option here, I love the bones of him and couldn't do without him. I would rather never have sex again than lose him. I am glad you have had DW's support. What can I do to be more supportive (I mean emotionally)? What does your DW do that makes you feel well supported? Maybe I can get some tips!

Has he had his testosterone checked? Sometimes low is not low enough to refer for treatment, but still causes lots of problems.

This. It happened to my husband at age 46. Testosterone at the low end of normal can be a problem. If that's not it he needs to see a urologist. ED is sometimes an early sign of Atherosclerosis or other vascular. It's shouldn't just be fobbed off for a man in his 40s.

By the way, my husband was fine 2 days after he started HRT.

Lots of men (and some women) are not good about reading instructions concerning medication, so perhaps your man is not aware of the necessity to take Viagra on an empty stomach. For this reason I tend to take it first thing in the morning and then have sex before my day begins.

Cialis tolerates food consumption better, but it does not work as well as Viagra for me.

Best wishes.

am assuming no incident of any sort that may have caused nerve damage OP?
A cyclist?