He never uses his hands during sex

[SteadyGrasshopper]

DH and I have been together for years. I adore him and generally I really enjoy sex with him but sometimes it is a bit, well, lacking.

We are trying to conceive so are having sex more regularly. Previously it was maybe once a week. While having more sex is great (I definitely have a higher sex drive than DH which has been an issue in the past) I guess I’m noticing things that are missing more as when it was only once a week I felt so sex starved I relished and really enjoyed it without it necessarily being technically amazing.

One thing he never does is use his hands to make me come while we are having sex. I don’t come during PIV sex and previous boyfriends stimulated me this way. I’ve asked DH to try but he just seems bemused by this like I’ve asked something a bit impossible and he seems a little hurt.

He doesn’t really touch me in ways that blow my fucking mind during foreplay either and he isn’t that responsive to any cues I give him. I think he’s quite shy sexually and neither of us were massively experienced when we got together.

I hate writing this as I adore him, he’s a lovely, lovely man and I fancy him. It’s not that the sex is bad… it just could be improved but it’s so difficult to communicate this with someone you’ve been with for years without hurting them. How can I tell him after a decade together that actually I’d like him to touch me differently? And the times I have asked for something that I think is very normal (using hand’s during sex) how do I get him to digest it rather than disregard it?

Learning and changing should be constant anyway. Try to frame it as progression.

@Nocirculation is right, even an act that would blow your mind today would become stale eventually. Mojoupgrade.com is often recommended on this board. It’s a great conversation starter about sex, communication without getting ancy is essential imho. In my relationship we consciously check in with each other quite frequently to make sure our sex lives are vibrant and meaningful. (Together 30 years) If shyness is the issue he might be worried about getting it wrong. Take his hand and guide him, switch over and let him guide you.

Good luck with TTC 💗

Perhaps he is just a bit lacking in previous experience of using his fingers or he might have had criticism in the past.

Have you tried taking his hand and guiding him where you want touching? It could feel daunting at first for him so take your time maybe lie next to him and touch him first then take his hand and put yours on top exactly where you want him to be do the motion with your hand so its replicated by his. Make sure you make all the right noises so he can tell you are enjoying it. After time remove your hand and hopefully he will carry on himself

So in a decade together he's never made you cum? Have you faked previously or does he just not care about your pleasure?

Try using positive reinforcement rather than negative feedback as in
“ I love it when you do Xyz, rather than “ I wish you would do xyz “

the other thing might be that because you are now TTC, he might not actually be enjoying the sex, it might be a bit of a chore for him, sex for a reason, not sex for fun.

He does make me come, not all the time but when he does it’s only ever during foreplay, never during sex and never after. That’s the issue for me. I don’t fake. He does care about my pleasure but I think we’ve got into a bit of a rut where he thinks he’s doing enough but it’s not quite there for me and I’m struggling to communicate that with sensitivity.

To be honest, a lot of women don't cum through intercourse. I used to find it hard and I'd only do it now and again with past partners. I've been with my husband 7 years and it's probably only the last 3 years or so that I orgasm most times we have sex. When orgasming during sex, I find it easier through stimulation of the G spot rather than the clitoris. Maybe you could try different positions that hit deeper? Or if you want a clitoral orgasm while he's inside you, you could touch yourself or introduce a vibrator?

So how would you want someone to say the same thing to you ?

What would be your reaction if he said to you the sex is okay but I want more from you?

Hi @SteadyGrasshopper
I am in the reverse situation and communicating the sex you want with a long term partner sensitively can be harder than it should be. I found the best way was approaching it form a better for the both of us rather than better for me was the key breakthrough for us and we’re not there yet.

I also found reading some of the recommendations from this forum very useful. Mind the gap and come as you are we’re really helpful and would recommend them to any man who is just interested in their own and their partner’s pleasure.

I would also recommend the seemingly controversial OMGyes for a comprehensive overview of different types of stimulation techniques that your DH may find useful and actually see other women talking about and demonstrating these in a non pornographic factual way and understand better what your actually asking for.

Not forgetting good luck TTC

Thanks for everyone’s advice, I really appreciate it. I will look at those websites but even bringing them up with him will probably hurt him. I think I have a lovely DH but I’m realising he’s very sensitive and not particularly sexual.

Just realised some of the recommendations are books not websites!

Could he be icky about touching his semen if he comes before you?

@Sunnydaysareuponus that’s something I haven’t thought about. Interesting. I don’t think it’s this though as it was the same when we used condoms.