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Sex

No affection during sex

9 replies

Dreamreacher87 · 30/05/2023 12:03

Ok to lead up to it I need kisses bum touching etc , or I am not interested. But during and after the deed there is no kissing. When I suggest a new position be says "you've had your enjoyment why spoil mine" after 17 years (36 now) it's always the same position and I'm not allowed to mix things up. After he gets up gets dressed and walks away leaving me so alone when I just want a cuddle. No kisses he just gets on with his evening .. I thought this was the norm but starting to realise it isn't. Anyone else in the same position as me?

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Mermaidparades · 30/05/2023 12:08

No, your description sounds transactional, I would not feel satisfied or cherished if that was my sex life. How is the rest of your relationship?

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conversationsinthedark · 30/05/2023 13:25

Hell no. It sounds like he's just using your body when he feels horny. My current partner is super affectionate outside of the bedroom...but I found that our sex wasn't very touchy feely which I really didn't like. There were times where we'd have sex, and afterward I'd be able to confidently say he hadn't even touched me anywhere he didn't need to (hips for support etc). No caressing, no boob, vagina, bum touch etc. No foreplay, no warming me up at all. I told him bluntly after a short while that it wasn't okay...I felt used and like it was only about him and what he could feel. Thankfully one (or two..) conversations about it and that's all in the past. Have you spoken to your OH? I definitely couldn't have a sex life with only one position either...surely even he gets bored with that!?

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pendleflyer · 30/05/2023 15:36

>>After he gets up gets dressed and walks away leaving me so alone when I just want a cuddle. No kisses he just gets on with his evening .. I thought this was the norm but starting to realise it isn't. Anyone else in the same position as me?

I think you should have a talk about that, especially as you have a long relationship. Not good. Seems entirely natural and good to me to have some nice time after sex, however hard/kinky it may have been. Cuddles/snuggles, asking how it was for each, or even dirty talk about what you might both like to do in future.
Yep, have been in same position - had a thing with someone once who latterly at the end of the deed would very regularly promptly announce that she was off to see her mum :( she lived pretty much round the corner. No idea what her and mum talked about on these visits :)
yep - talk about it - if he won't, not a good sign. Not as if you are just fuck buddies - though even then I would hope for some nice downtime.

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Zanatdy · 30/05/2023 19:03

no that’s not normal. I wouldn’t want sex without kissing and caressing and falling asleep cuddling is part of it. Guess your guy isn’t very affectionate and clearly isn’t very imaginative if he’s happy with one position. If you’re telling him this stuff and he doesn’t make a change then definitely need to rethink the whole relationship

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Cantstandbullshitanymore · 31/05/2023 01:13

You’re only 36 and too young to deal with this for the rest of your life. Have you spoken to him about this? Maybe a therapist or couples counseling may help with someone neutral guiding the conversation.

if all that fails my advice will be to move on as this is no way to live. Do you have kids?

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AverageGuy · 02/06/2023 11:46

@Dreamreacher87 - definitely NOT normal! I know they say that the largest sex organ is the brain, but for me, skin comes a very close second!

Touch is absolutely vital to me when I'm intimate with someone. I wasn't allowed to touch my xw, so having the opportunity to explore a womans body is like Christmas... 😀

You definitely need to have a long talk with him, or just say that sex is off the table until he pays you and your body much more attention.

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pendleflyer · 02/06/2023 11:54

AverageGuy · 02/06/2023 11:46

@Dreamreacher87 - definitely NOT normal! I know they say that the largest sex organ is the brain, but for me, skin comes a very close second!

Touch is absolutely vital to me when I'm intimate with someone. I wasn't allowed to touch my xw, so having the opportunity to explore a womans body is like Christmas... 😀

You definitely need to have a long talk with him, or just say that sex is off the table until he pays you and your body much more attention.

very true - I well remember Jane Fonda in her autobiography saying that it was vital in a relationship (and she's had a few) to make time for what she called "skin time". Long time since I read it but have the idea that this wasn't necessarily just sex, but just what it says - time with skin on skin.
Very wise of her I think

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Mermaidparades · 02/06/2023 12:19

@pendleflyer this has become a must in my relationship with my partner. The last hour of each day is spent together, in bed naked, even when we don’t feel like having sex. It’s amazing, so great for our communication, mental health, feels great! I’m a devoted advocate!

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pendleflyer · 02/06/2023 16:24

congratulations to you both mermaidparades.
some partners also sleep separately, maybe for good practical reasons. Even more important that they invest in Fonda's skin-time I think.

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