He wants to explore.

[wwyd83]

NC

I have been with my partner for nearly 10 years, 2 DC.

I assumed that our varied 3/4 times a week sex life was sufficient and exciting. Four days ago he dropped the bomb that he wants to explore other avenues of his sexual side, ie sex clubs, threesomes, sex with strangers. He is well aware of my feelings on this and this seemingly doesn't include me.

Our relationship is pretty perfect so this has blindsided me completely. There's never been any hint of this before now.

Not a clue what to do.

It's fine if you both want to do it, however, if your not open to it then it's not going to happen. He has 2 choices stay with you and not do it, or leave.

He want's to cheat on you with your agreement. Tell him he's quite welcome to do that after you have kicked him out.

Such a dreadful shock for you to deal with. So his suggestions don’t include you? My response would be along the lines of ‘that doesn’t work for me. As your wife and the mother of your children I am entitled to more respect than to be expected to wave you off as you go off to have sex with other people.’
How dare he, I’m angry on your behalf.

I am still in shock. I can't sleep and haven't slept since the revelation.

He actually told me that he 'needs' to do this, basically he's prioritising his desires above the family. Myself and the children aren't a factor.

What would his reaction be if you said you wanted to have partners/threesomes not including him? I bet he wouldn’t like it…

He would probably encourage it, so he could watch!

He doesn’t ‘need’ to at all, he’s making a choice that he wants to. Sorry OP but I think he’s creating a way to get out of your relationship. Can you honestly trust him if he said he wouldn’t do it if you say no? Will you be wondering what he’s up to now every time he’s late home or out on a ‘lads night’?
He’s not even wanting you to take part, so it’s not really a sexual fantasy thing, it’s a sex without you thing.
Sorry you’re dealing with this but if I were you I’d be getting my ducks in a row.

Honestly, I would ask that you seek counselling together first.

Read "the state of affairs" by ester perel

This is pure conjecture but I wonder if he is hoping that you will end the relationship in order to free him up to behave how he likes without being branded a cheat.

In this way he can control the narrative about your break up - You broke up his family and he wasn’t responsible.

I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction personally, I would get my ducks in a row. Tell him this behaviour would be a deal breaker but don’t preempt it. Stop having sex or at the very least have cast iron contraception and always use condoms

I don't think anyone would have a clue what to do. From the male perspective, driven from total egoism and selfish to boot. Only solution is to probably end things, get your ducks in order and end the relationship. Such a preposterous thing to randomly announce to your partner of 10 years with 2 kids. I'd understand if he'd wanted participation in a number of shared dalliance's, but on his own, he is merely seeking permission to shag whenever and whatever he likes.

He says he feels trapped sexually and wants to express himself. I won't ever agree and I didn't think our sex life was that dull and boring that he feels the need to do this.

I am so sorry for what you’re going through. I was thinking about you yesterday, just wondering how you’re holding up, in front of the kids etc. Dreadful.

Does he mean that he feels trapped by not being able to explore his sexual orientation? If he does that is no reflection on your sex life with him. And I would understand his sentiments. But he has to make a decision which is most important to him, as in real life we don’t get to have our cake and eat it too.

He’s being an absolute dick and probably watching too much porn which is fucking up his idea of sex.

If you are inclined to try and save the relationship (which is more than he deserves) I would say to him to give your relationship a couple more months and during those months he has to cut down on porn and go to marriage counselling.

If he says no he’s already checked out. If he agrees this might help make him realise what an utter idiot he’s being.

I’m not sure I could trust someone who announced this clanger though, it’s one thing for a partner to test the water and maybe describe a fantasy and see if you’re up for it, it’s quite another to land ‘sex clubs and threesomes: no debate’ on your partner. He sounds totally selfish.

I think it's good that he's been open and honest about how he feels however from what you've said it doesn't sound like he's interested in how it makes you feel. I'd be sitting down and saying if he can't respect your feelings when you're not interested in an open relationship then you'll have to go separate ways.

He doesn't know how fortunate he is. Varied sex, 3-4 times a week, with somebody who loves him? I don't think that happened once in my 26-year marriage.

He is being selfish. Actually it's more unsettling than that: he's jeopardising something most people would see as amazing, in pursuit of a porny fantasy. He's about to lose far more than he realises.

I agree you need to make your boundaries clear to him, and give him an ultimatum: you or the fantasy. I also think raising the option of couples counselling is a good idea: it forces him to think whether he's even open to discussing your future together.

I'd love to be less abrupt but ... it's over he's nuked you, you, the kids, the home, the memories. Man gone mad and bet all his ducks on an internet fuelled fantasy. The end, roll credits, love no longer is. And heart goes out to. Shocked happened, shocked to read. But the only counselling that will help is you seeing a solicitor. And to take instruction on what evidence you should seek to gather. Emails, browsing history, text entrap him if you can; get him to put in writing what expected of for you to move forward as a couple, so you can weigh in the privacy and stillness of your personal space. Think dirtier than him. That's your challenge - to walk with everything for you and the kids. Good luck with. Hug.

Hopefully it is already over and nuked because this a zombie thread from May 2023. Perhaps @wwyd83 could update on whether he went off to explore on his own?

If he really loved you he wouldn’t be able to do it with any other woman but you .
for me personally having sex with any woman other than my wife would be the same as having sex with my sister , I can’t imagine it and I can’t do it even if you put a gun on my head .