Confused about sexuality

[C9nfused]

I'm a woman in my 30s, been with a lot of men in the past and married to a man. In my early 20s, I met another woman and realised I fancied her. I feel like it was mutual as I picked up flirty vibes from her but nothing ever happened with her. I've felt this way about 2 other women, intense sexual attraction. I've had sex with 3 women, 2 of them were friends and we were experimenting, the other was a woman I dated. I've gone beyond kissing with a few more women. I loved the experience but I didn't feel content to settle with a woman as I enjoy sex with men and I wanted more children at some point.
I always thought I was straight as the men I've been attracted to and had experiences with far outweigh the women I've liked. Or maybe bi but more heterosexual. But recently I've started to question this. I can't remember the last time I found a man sexually attractive that wasn't my husband or a celebrity. However I see many women day to day that I think I would like to do sexual things with. I masturbate exclusively to women. I enjoy sex with my husband but I fantasise a lot about being with a woman again.. I would not cheat but I'm worried about what my future holds. I almost never see men in a sexual way anymore. I don't even know what I want from posting this. I don't know if I'm gay and I've suppressed myself, made myself like men.

There is no reason that you can't be attracted to both men & women - even specific men & women.

If you would like to be intimate with another woman, why not talk to your husband about it? It's possible he wouldn't see you being intimate with another woman as much of an issue as you being intimate with another man.

Above all, I think that one of life's greatest maxims is 'to thine own self be true'. Therefore I don't believe that the path to sexual fulfillment for you is to deny what you feel about being attracted to some women. To suppress what you experience deep inside is probably going to lead to long term frustration and even resentment. Ultimately we usually end up regretting things we never got around to doing, as opposed to things we did that proved not to be the best decisions. It may be that you can suppress your sexuality and live the rest of your life with a significant part of you left unfulfilled - that is a choice that only you can make.

I think that this is a straight, binary choice: you either resolve to hide this part of yourself and carry on with the life your husband thinks you have, or you sit down and communicate with him on the deepest of levels. You know him best and can judge his potential response; if he is the jealous type, he is hardly likely to give you free rein to experiment with your sexuality.

I wish you all the very best.

@C9nfused There are a lot more of us than one might think. Many who I have chatted with are a little older, 40+ usually. A few, I am one, have been 'released' to follow their choice by divorce. For the rest the result is nearly always pain. If the woman insists on having a a relationship with another woman the man will react as he would if it was adultery with a man.
Maybe physical pain and/or emotional pain from forcing a marriage to break up.
Along with that will be financial hardship and social stigma if custody of children is involved.

Thanks for your replies. It's not worth breaking my marriage up over and that's not what I want. I'm not even sure why I posted. Maybe to know that I'm not alone and my feelings are valid. I remember as a teenager I went through a phase of having lots of crushes on other girls. My mum found out and went mad and called me disgusting and would throw it in my face during every argument.
What is crazy is that she came out as gay a year later and has had a female partner ever since. My sister is gay and when she came out she was accepted and celebrated. I just wonder if she hadn't reacted like that I'd have been more comfortable to accept myself and " come out". My friends know that I'm bisexual but none of my family do and I could never tell them. They would be so shocked.

You aren't alone @C9nfused many women have had same sex crushes and experiences when they were younger and a large number of them ended up focusing on pursuing a heterosexual relationship, having children and doing everything that society /biology expected only to realise years later that those same sex attractions hadn't stopped after all, they'd just been temporarily obscured by the constant work of raising a family!

Many people are happy to acknowledge those feelings without having to act on them, even a few friends knowing you are bi can feel like a huge relief compared to feeling like it's a huge secret!

OP, it's normal feelings! Most of us are brought up in a "heterosexual default". I was in my early30s (40s now) before I realised there was more to me than even I realised, let's say someone showed me the way. It also explained a lot of what was going on in my teens, including "kissing practice" with close girl friends, allegedly to make us better kissers for the boys. I believed it at the time.

These days, I just regard myself as "sexual" no prefix required.

I think you can maintain a happy life within you current situation. Lots of hero couples fancy others without it interfering with their relationships.

PM me if you would like to discuss further.

I had a girl on girl experience when I was in my youth and remember it being so sensual and delicate, we kissed on many occasions but no further, now I’m older and married to a man, I often wonder what the other side would have been like.

@Asecretrainbow - "I often wonder what the other side would have been like." Softer, gentler and the benefit of knowing exactly how the other's body "works", because her body would be the same as yours. The downside is 2 lots of PMT.

I think that's what I'm craving from a lesbian relationship. The softness, the sensualness. Its not just about the sex. Although I do prefer women's bodies to men's, it's just the thought of being with a woman day to day in a committed relationship. I'm not going to do anything about it and I'm happy with my DH. I just wonder if I'd feel more fulfilled if I'd been true to myself. If I'd given it a go with that first woman I was into, I honestly think I'd be more preferable to fancying women and men would have taken the back seat. Instead I went with loads of men, some Iliked but the majority I look back and wonder what was the point.

as everyone has said it’s perfectly normal to be attracted to both or have a preference of one type of body over another. Some people like the relationship with men but sexually prefer women as an example. I’m in my mid 40s now and have only ever been with men but would consider myself to be at the very least bi curious, my DH know about this and is happy with me exploring although that just depens when the situation arises

Did anyone see the article in todays Daily Mail featuring 3 women who started fancying women when the stopped taking The Pill. Married maybe children but then a massive change in sexual attraction.
I have checked with OP, she happy I post this.

Any comments or observations?

Loving all this discussion
Having been involved in this same conversation on mumsnet before it’s just nice to know there are more of us out there. I definitely feel the same and am happy to chat although happily married can see if I had my time again or in the future this is what I would explore: is anyone aware of any private Facebook groups where this conversation can be had?

@cormorant5 I’ve just googled and read numerous articles about women coming off birth control and realising they fancied women, how interesting.

@StarlightLady That’s exactly how I remember kissing the girl being, soft and just so sensual.

I heard about the Daily Mail feature (I refuse to read the Mail) about women who started fancying women when the stopped taking the Pill, I'm no medic or scientist but I don't consider this proves anything.

When you take into account the number of sexually active women there are, the number of women who for a variety of reasons have come off the pill and the number of those women who discover more about their own sexuality as they get older and explore their curiosity, I feel that there is no established link.

Sometimes I feel people are looking for a reason for things that does not exist. I think it's more likely to be in the right place, with the right woman at the right time and discover the wonders of 2 identical bodies together. It really is a good fit in more ways that one.

That makes sense, or maybe women felt compelled to follow conventional relationships (societal norms) and refused to except their feelings for women. There’s also the risk of shame attached.

I agree I don't think there's a link. Also, I've never been on hormonal contraception but I know it can suppress libido from reading about it and what friends have told me. Maybe it's just a case of their sex drive coming back. I do think some women who are bisexual go with men as a kind of default before they understand their attraction to other women.

I'm in a very long term relationship with a male but have always been attracted to women,i have slept with women but wouldn't ever want to be in a full time relationship with one 🤷‍♀️

Interesting theory, the link with stopping birth control, however I suspect that it's more likely that coming off birth control correlates to some other significant life change (like the end of a long term heterosexual relationship, or perhaps menopause) that make us re-evaluate what we want and, previously suppressed, same sex attractions get some space to develop. If it was purely a chemical things due to stopping birth control we'd see it far more commonly!

@HewittMurray there was (years ago) a later life lesbian FB group but I think that has ceased to exist now. I met a lovely group of bi women through MN during lockdown and some of us are still in touch online and meet up socially from time to time.

It's made me realise the importance of having people who 'get it' in my life! My straight friends, who know I had relationships with women in the past l, seem to think that I was bisexual (past tense) but for me it's important to acknowledge I still am bi, even if my life now looks straight based on outward appearances!

Love to know if you found any groups? Thanks x