Time to leave?

[Hijinks75]

Not sure if this is sex or relationship’s or both, read many threads about frequency of sex and wanted thoughts/ advice/ experience of situation. To try to keep it short, early 60s, DW late 50s, been together 40 years, active sex life for many years, DW lost both parents within a few weeks 7 years ago since when gradual reduction in frequency, weekly, fortnightly and now monthly at most currently longer, when we do have sex it’s felt the last few times that she can’t wait to get it over ,in between just no intimacy , if I touch her she pulls away, few kisses or cuddles, tried discussing it, suggested trying sex toys, lube, sex nights but no response, asked if she’s just gone off sex or me just says she doesn’t know what’s wrong but doesn’t seem to want to do anything to make things different , I don’t want to spend the rest of my days in a sexless relationship but don’t know what to do.

You both sound so sad. Your DW obviously went through a dreadfully traumatic experience losing both parents so close together. How has she processed her grief, do you think depression is the root cause here? Has she attended bereavement counselling? Is she taking antidepressants (notorious for squashing a healthy libido!).

Personally, I would tell her that you miss her, you miss the fantastic couple you were together and you are there to support her to get back to her best self. You recognise and appreciate the toll her bereavements have had on her, but please don’t shut you out. Tell her how much you love her, how it hurts now that she doesn’t want to hug or kiss you, and that you know it isn’t her fault. Ask her to please open up to you, tell you what is really going through her mind.

At this point it sounds like your DW has enough going on already without bringing sex into the discussion, I’d leave that for another day! Hopefully, she will start to open up, and your relationship will gradually improve. But if it doesn’t…I don’t think you should be expected to stay in sexless marriage. Something would need to give, perhaps she would consent to you finding a discreet FWB.

Good luck xx

Yes loss of parents was difficult for her, but seems to have managed the loss , definitely not depressed, I’m very familiar with recognising symptoms of depression, nor any evidence that she needs counselling for the loss, it’s not as if sex suddenly stopped, it’s just become less and less over the years

I’m not sure then, definitely begin with a really frank and honest conversation. Your DW saying she doesn’t know what’s wrong shows that she acknowledges that there is a problem and that’s a good sign.

Is her life very busy or overwhelming at present, could having to dig deep into herself for answers just feel like too much? How about if you suggest relationship therapy, say you will research the best place, arrange the appointments, she just needs to attend?

Going on as you are at present isn’t fair for either of you.