Erectile dysfunction

[Namechangeforthis189]

I tried talking about this in the relationship category a few weeks back but just got told either to dump him immediately or that I was a sex pest. I’m hoping I might get some more balanced responses here.

I have been with my boyfriend nearly a year now. We are both very early 30’s. I love him, find him insanely attractive and he reassures me that he feels the same. The issue is that he can’t have sex.

He’s developed some kind of erectile dysfunction due to stress and now there’s a psychological barrier that he can’t seem to break. He’s been to the doctors, due to his age and other health problems they are wary of prescribing viagra although he wants to try it. He’s got another appointment soon to discuss it again.

We haven’t had sex in months and I can’t even begin to explain how crazy it’s making me. I just feel heartbroken all the time. No matter how much he says it’s a him problem and nothing to do with me I still feel like it’s me. I feel so rejected all the time. I feel hideous and my self worth is at an all time low. I cry a lot. I’ve always loved sex and being rejected in this way just feels like punishment. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to end it but I can’t carry on like this for much longer. He’s terrified I’m going to break up with him over this and he seems committed to fixing it but I’m scared. I’m only 30… I don’t want to never have sex again.

Has anyone been through something like this? Please help me.

I seem to have lost my ability to get hard. I love my wife and want to get inside her but can only manage oral on her.
I am 76 years old so try to blame my age.
I think this thread will inspire me to go.and ask my doctor for help.

First of all, I’m so sorry you’re going through this together. I don’t think hope is lost just yet, you know the cause for the erectile dysfunction and your boyfriend is keen to sort it out. I appreciate ED is a highly emotive topic, and I know that I would react the same as you so this totally isn’t a criticism, but he isn’t rejecting you here, you love one another, don’t let this erode your self esteem.

You say that you haven’t had sex in months, is he still going down on you, using toys, etc or has a barrier come down completely?

@NotTooOldPaul do go to your Doctor, good luck xx

Thank you for your replies.

He has lost all confidence in anything sexual… it’s like he’s a different person. He used to be really confident in that regard. We had sex on the first date, public sex, sexted a lot etc. I remember him driving around for hours looking for a secluded spot to have sex in his car because neither of our houses were available. Now it’s like he’s terrified of it.

We had an argument around two months ago because I asked about using toys while he sorts this out and he said he couldn’t. He was worried that if we did anything sexual I’d then expect sex and he’d feel like a let down.

He did use a toy on me a few weeks back but it was awful. He couldn’t bring himself to use it properly and he got upset when I asked if I could show him. In the end I faked it because it was just excruciating. He wants to try again next week and he’s hoping it will be better. I don’t want to get my hopes up, I’m terrified of it going tits up again.

NotTooOldPaul I hope you manage to get to the doctors and get some help.

I would be inclined to think that having another go with a toy next week, when nothing else has changed, probably won’t have a great outcome. His issues sound really deep rooted, I would be asking my GP for advice about referring on for therapy. They can’t just say no to Viagra and leave him like this.

In the meantime, I would be keeping the intimacy going with hugs, kisses and massages. Tantric massage actually, as he doesn’t need to be hard for that. Let him know that you aren’t expecting it to lead anywhere, no pressure.

I would suggest he goes back to the GP and if they can’t prescribe him anything due to his other health problems (his age is not a contraindication) then he should request a referral to the local urology erectile dysfunction clinic.

If he gets effective treatment then the psychological issues may well resolve.

You can buy Viagra online without prescription and Cialis too. Get him to order some.

I would try it over the counter. (Superdrug or boots online)
But can he get hard alone/in the morning? If so then more likely psychological

He’s extremely wary of trying it without a doctor prescribing it. His health issues are heart related and quite severe. I think the fear of taking it over the counter would pretty much cause so much anxiety that it would wipe out any benefits from it anyway.

That being said he has said if the doctor won’t prescribe it he’ll buy it if it makes me happy but I wouldn’t let him risk that.

I am seeing him tonight and I know he wants to try. Even writing that is depressing. The thought of having to ‘try’ and have sex… it should just come naturally. I’m finding it really hard to not take the rejection personally. I’m scared, I’m worried about how I’ll feel when it doesn’t work. I know he feels under pressure. I just can’t believe I’m in this situation at 30 years old.

I’ve asked him about whether he gets hard at all and he said no…

He said a tiny bit when we last tried a couple weeks back but it wouldn’t have been enough to do anything with.
I believe him. The time before that was a few months before and he hadn’t told me that he was having these problems. He had been avoiding sex and I didn’t know why. Anyway when we tried to do it he just couldn’t get hard. If I hadn’t have seen that for myself I’m not sure I’d believe him now.

Absolutely don’t let him take any unprescribed meds if he has a heart condition. So you know the cause of his dysfunction, try not to let it bring you down. I would gently check with him this evening if he has had an erection since your last attempt, if not, personally I would ask him to wait. Use toys/ mouth and you give him oral while soft (if that’s enjoyable for him), penetration is not the be all and end all, and another failed attempt will just mess with his head.

@Namechangeforthis189 Cardiovascular issues can cause lack of erection / ED. He absolutely needs to get to the botttom of that, and I agree with a PP about NOT taking Viagra or Cialis until he does, but in the meantime, there is no reason you two can't be intimate with each other.

You need to talk to him, and tell him that you still love and fancy him, and, whilst you completely understand he is going through a difficult time with his erections, that PIV sex isn't the be all and end all of itimacy.

Tell him how much you enjoy being pleasured by him in other ways, that you really miss that, and want it to continue.

Some men somehow see toys as being some sort of "competition" in the bedroom, and it might be that's why he is adverse to using them on you.

Again, an open conversation here is key. Explain that they are an additional resource, NOT a replacement, and that you'd love him to enjoy using them on you. If he's not sure what to do, maybe gently show / guide him.

Who knows, maybe he'll get into it, and seeing you turned on might help him to get turned on...

Good luck!

Thank you everyone! I really appreciate all the replies. It’s quite a lonely problem. I don’t really want to talk to friends and family about it but talking to him about it isn’t always easy either.

I personally think there’s always been some issues there but the issues with his heart have made it significantly worse.
Early in the relationship when we had sex it was great but I did notice things that I’d not experienced before. Mostly that it was 50/50 on whether he’d finish, he’d lose his erection quite quickly but it didn’t really matter because you could get it back quickly as well. Then the heart problems started and this situation happened.

I’ve spoken to him about toys and I think he finds them difficult. He quite clearly sees them as an add on to sex. He has this idea that toys lead to sex and then he won’t be able to perform and he’s worried about being a disappointment and so he would rather not do anything. I’ve made it clear that this isn’t the case for me and I just want us to find ways of being intimate while we get to the bottom of this.

As I said he did try using a toy a couple of weeks back but he didn’t want to use it properly. It was a rabbit and I think he was uncomfortable with the idea of it going inside. I gently suggested I show him how to use it but he got upset so I just dropped the subject and faked it. I don’t want him to feel worse than he currently does and it seemed the best solution at the time.

He wants to try again later and I don’t really know how to go about it. Last time I tried to let him direct it and it was awful. I’m leaning towards initiating and just going for it rather than lying there in awkwardness waiting. I just don’t know what to do for the best.

Oh dear, the rabbit going inside was maybe subconsciously making him feel inadequate, as he wasn’t able to. Can you get a Womaniser or similar and get it charged before seeing him?

I would direct the situation, and hand over the toy once you’re in a good rhythm and he knows exactly what to do.

I have a wand which would probably be a better idea. He’s used that before so at least it might be familiar.

I am really nervous. I really don’t want this making everything worse but it’s not going to get any better doing nothing either.

Yes, go with the wand then. Good luck to you both later, it’s a horrible situation for you both. But you haven’t run out of options yet so try to not be too despondent, he has another medical appointment coming up, doesn’t he. 🤞 for answers.

Just an update because I really don’t know how to feel or what to do.

So we tried and it was a disaster. He couldn’t get remotely erect which caused what I can only describe as a massive panic attack. He then curled up in the fetal position and cried about how he hated himself, how he’s ashamed and feels broken. I tried my best to be as reassuring as possible and told him it was alright and it would be ok and that it was only an attempt so it didn’t matter.

We talked about it once he’d calmed down and he’s scared. He’s concerned about what happens if he can’t be prescribed viagra/any other alternatives. He’s nervous about taking them unless the doctor is 100% sure it’s safe which I completely understand. The way he feels at the minute he’s unsure whether it’s ever going to work again. The last time he had an erection was around September last year and nothing he’s tried since has been able to produce one.

I feel really selfish but it has got me thinking about how I’d feel if this situation continues indefinitely with no improvement. I really love him but I don’t think I can cope with a sexless relationship at my age. Or at any age really. It doesn’t help that he struggles with all sexual acts at the moment as they just remind him of what he can’t do and then he gets upset.

I feel completely lost with this situation.

I’m so sorry. That sounds heartbreaking. There isn’t going to be a quick fix for his condition, he needs referral to a specialist and then take it from there. Tell him not to lose hope, there are more treatments out there than viagra, his consultant will be able to guide him re: which are suitable with his heart condition.

Your feelings are valid, it’s a shit situation for you too. You love one another though. I would hold off making any life changing decisions until he’s had his appointment.

Just to add to my previous post around buying Viagra and such OTC. You have to fill in a health questionnaire first which is reviewed by a doctor.

To be fair OP your relationship won't last unless he sorts himself out. Respectfully he needs to grow a pair, stop feeling like a victim and go see a doctor to sort him out.

At the root of this is his heart condition, which may also be leading to other psychological factors on top. Perhaps focus on sorting that out whether it's medication, surgery or lifestyle that needs sorting out. What is the heart condition that he has?

The OP makes clear he has seen the doctor. Therefore, he has no need to grow a pair.

That was an unkind post.