Ultimatum time, have sex or I leave

[Dolphinbaths]

Here for a vent because I’m feeling a bit deflated.
Partner and I both 30, have one child together and 1 each from previous, happy in all ways excluding our sex life.
Partner seems to have a mental block regarding sex because during one ‘session’ he lost his erection and felt ashamed. He was going through work stress so I was understanding. However it continued during each sexual attempt as he’d created a fear in his mind that he can no longer perform.
That was 8 months ago. We are still no closer to full intercourse as any time we try to he immediately loses his erection. He gets frustrated with himself and often cries while I console him and pretend it’s ok, deep down hurt and worried about our future.
Sex is a big part of a relationship for me and long term issues eventually become a deal breaker. I don’t want to split over it but I can’t continue with the rejection.
It has got to the point where I don’t hide my annoyance (when we speak about it not during) which I know is completely wrong of me, but my patience has worn thin, while I don’t outright say anything it shows in my face that I’ve had enough.
I ordered some sex toys which he knows I use to get a release but he has no care about how I feel or my needs. There is nothing stopping him trying other sexual methods rather than always intercourse, but he’s never performed oral on me and has no interest joining in with sex toys. As soon as he loses his erection he gives up and makes it clear he doesn’t want to try anything else. I’m never pushy and accept when no is no but it’s disappointing.
We sat down at the weekend and spoke about how he needs to work on it asap, he has a blood test in 3 weeks to check his hormones and I’ve encouraged him to speak to a counsellor to help with this fear. In the meantime he thinks it’s fine to continue sexless and boring as he is relying on the blood tests to be the fix. Despite explaining it may not be a health issues so the blood test will not automatically fix it, he seems to think its no longer an issue and it’s acceptable to wait and see because he made the effort to book the appointment after 8 months of asking.
I asked him last night if we could try sex as it had been 3 months and now he felt more relaxed it may work. He did get an erection but when trying to enter he lost it instantly. He got dressed and went to load the dishwasher. No speaking about it or any reassurance to me while I sat in floods of tears.
I miss intimacy, passion and desire. I have lost my self confidence as I think it may be my appearance that causes this, that he’s gone off me and doesn’t find me attractive anymore. I’ve never been rude to him or expressed my anger, although he may sense when I’m upset. I’m gutted we have got to this point and I’m losing more and more interest. I told him I’d prefer us to split if nothing changes after the blood tests, presuming they are clear, as I can’t live like this. I promised to help work on it while we wait for the test results, but deep down I’m questioning if I can. Once again it’s brushed under the carpet.
There’s no affair or porn, he can’t even keep an erection to masturbate.
I don’t know if I can patiently wait 3 weeks for the test, never mind the wait for the results and then possible treatment. I resent him for not getting help sooner and for affecting our relationship. Some days I can barely look at him because of how selfish he has been.
Can anyone recommend tips to help us? With the assumption that it’s in his mind and not physical as I believe, how can he move past this and keep an erection?Its my one final attempt to help him before I call it quits so I’d appreciate any advice.
Note: I don’t pressure, bully or force him to have sex. He’s never initiated in all our time together, it was always me. He’s tried viagra several times but still loses the erection.

I sympathise with you OP because you sound sad and frustrated but honestly, I don't think the ultimatum or you being visibly annoyed and upset about it is going to help the pressure to perform that your DP is under; in fact, it's more than likely compounded the issue and made it much worse.

Could you look into both attending sex therapy to help you overcome and communicate about it in a more supportive, productive way? Perhaps this could help you both rebuild some intimacy and explore other options re non-penatrative sex.

Best of luck.

Get some sildenafil (viagra) I had an issue about 3 years ago. It happened once and because i kept worrying about it, it happened again. I didnt wait 8 months though, that seems insane. I went straight to my GP. He done all the bloods and decided it was psychological. He wrote me a script for viagra to get me up and running again. It worked instantly and I was soon over whatever was happening in my head that was causing it. Would definitely recommend and I'd do the same again if required. I think you can get it even easier nowadays. The fact he's waited 8 months kind of suggests there could be more goingbon though. Did he enjoy sex previously?

I'm sorry you're both going through this OP.

But - in Kindness - I dont think you're helping. You say you are not pressurising your partner - but at the same time you've had a discussion where you told him you'd rather split up than put up with not having sex??!! You cried the last time you attempted sex and it didn't happen. (possibly understandably so) but I can imagine how that's making your partner feel.

I'm not a man- but I can imagine the amount of "performance anxiety" your partner is now under. No wonder it took him so long to get to a GP he's probably more aware than anyone that the emphasis is on him "to get better"!!

Perhaps try taking sex completely off the table for a while. Make a rule (and stick to it) that you wont have penetrative sex - BUT that you do want intimacy at whatever level you BOTH are comfortable with. Do this for a while and perhaps your partner will then start to feel more comfortable and less pressurised and maybe his erections will start to come back naturally (who knows I'm not an expert). Maybe after this period - WHEN your partner feels comfortable try using viagra again. But i do believe it has to be on his terms. The pressure to perform is undoubtedly making things worse (IMO).

@Dolphinbaths Firstly, and remote hugs for what you are going through.

Your DP is being incredibly selfish and uncaring. It seems that he thinks sex is all about him, which is not an uncommon thing for some guys.

At 30, he REALLY shouldn't have any physical issues with erections, so kudos to him for going to his GP (I bet you had something to do with that! 😊), and he definitely needs to get himself checked out.

However, he simply isn't taking your feelings into account, and that's awful. To leave you in floods of tears is, in my opinion, one of those "unforgivable" moments.

I'm in my 60's, so ED is not uncommon. I have taken Viagra and am now on a daily dose of Cialis, as I've had the occasional "no show", but there is no way on this planet that I would abandon my partner after a failure to load a dishwasher... I mean WT actual F?

You may have a lost cause here, but it's up to you.

If you want to save your relationship, then he needs to wake up and realise that there are two of you in the relationship, and that your sexual happiness is as important as his. He need to be prepared to provide intimacy & pleasure with his hands & tongue, and use any sex tpys that you have purchased - in my mind this should (could) bring you closer together - turning you on, and making you cum should be his priority. Who knows, it might get him going...

Good luck!

If your PD was in an accident and had a spinal injury that prevented him from getting an erection for Neurological reasons would your attitude and approach still be the same?

If the answer is yes, then you are in the relationship for the wrong reasons and should free him up to be with someone who truly loves him.

If the answer is no, then you need to change attitude and approach so that you actually help partners psychological blockage rather than making it worse.

Thank you for all the helpful replies.
to clarify, I’ve never pressured him. We haven’t had sex in 8 months and there was one occasion I asked if we can try, and the above happened. I’ve been patient and understanding, my feelings and thoughts are in my mind and not pushed on him. If he felt under pressure to perform I wouldn’t understand why when he doesn’t even attempt sex or feel that he has to for my benefit.
He’s tried all different types of viagra and he still loses his erection, so sadly it doesn’t work for him.
As averageguy has pointed out, it’s the behaviours surrounding it that have caused it to become a bigger issue. There’s no intimacy or passion anymore and as both men and women would be told, no one should accept the next 30/40 years being sexless.
Im at a loss what to do, if I raise the subject then I’ll be labelled as a sex pest/pressuring him and if I don’t then it’s my own fault for letting it continue. It doesn’t seem right splitting a family due to lack of sex, but ultimately my feelings are that I’m not happy and it’s affecting our relationship because his actions come across as someone who just doesn’t care.

You are not being unreasonable wanting a sex life, you are still both so young for that to be an issue. Would you both consider sex therapy and go from there?

That’s not the same situation. If he had an accident and could no longer get an erection that choice would be taken out of his hands. In this situation he has a choice.

He wouldn’t be open to therapy unfortunately. It took a lot of pushing for him to get his appointment for the blood test, and only because I told him that it could Be a sign of a hidden health issue. I doubt he was fully honest with his gp either. He’d rather brush it under the carpet and let me cry and resent him more than dare admit he needs help. I feel like he’s stringing me along to keep me around when it’s unlikely he has any intention of fixing it, he’s had 8 months.

You need to reframe the intimacy in your relationship, he seems to view it as only intercourse. There are so many other ways to gain sexual satisfaction and pleasure that seem to be unexplored in your relationship.
He/you need a conversation around intimacy, him ducking out everytime he looses his erection is not going to fix him or the relationship. Start from the basics of intimate touch and work up, hopefully by then the test results might shed some light on things.
Personally I'd also be frustrated at his lack of motivation to find a solution or work around to at least allow for some intimacy and sexual satisfaction. He comes across as self centered and selfish, with no understanding of your needs.

That’s exactly it, if he tried to continue or done something else that may bring his erection back I would have faith in the fact he is trying. He soon perks up if I offer oral on him, but as he’s never performed it on me I refuse to do it anymore. I’d never have an affair but I’ve recently been daydreaming about someone else wanting me and feeling that desire and passion I’m missing out on.

Not as bad as your experience, but my boyfriend has performance anxiety which has meant that in the few years we've been together there's been episodes of him getting in his head and then it 'not working'. It's a really hard one because if we express how we are feeling...it adds more pressure. If we swallow it, it builds up inside. I've found that talking via text helps as it lessens the embarrassment and defensiveness...you can both think about how you're wording replies etc without emotions taking over. I remember the first time I had to bring it up, and say "look, if hes not working I don't really care, you're not letting me down if he can't get hard....but it does let me down that you don't care about my pleasure. If he's not working, why can't you get me off?" It might be different for your boyfriend but I thought mine was being selfish in bed (still can be sometimes don't get me wrong) but he actually had performance anxiety relating to getting me off as well..he worried he wasn't doing it right, that I was faking, that he was basically bad at it...so he would rather not do it at all. Thankfully a conversation or two about it has meant that's changed quite a bit now!

You say he's not interested in joining you with your toys... maybe that's because it will lead to you wanting sex? Tell him sex is of the menu but insist he helps with the toys. I can't understand why he won't give you oral, is there a reason for this? Does he last and cum when you give him oral?

Send him a video of you blowing his best friend. He'll be like buckaroo in no time.