Fear of vulvas

[Latelearner1]

Hello,

Longtime reader of threads here, where I've learnt lots. First time poster, please be gentle.

As a 40F who grew up with the fucked up crap of evangelical Christian purity culture (no sex before marriage, having to 'confess' to masterbation etc ) my husband and I have both been doing a lot of work to get past sexual shame and grow together/ experience more intimacy 12yrs into our marriage.

One of the things I am currently struggling with is he has finally opened up and said he almost has a phobia of female genitalia. It made a lot of sense, as previously sex has never involved him touching me below the waist, let alone oral.

He's definitely turned on by other areas of my body, but I feel so sad that he doesn't feel excited by / enjoy the area that is most intimate to me. Especially when I read some of the things people write on here regarding their love of this part of the female body.

We've introduced toys, which helps as he can give me stimulation without actually touching. And he has made some progress in feeling okay to use fingers. Unfortunately, I don't (at present) climax through piv, which then puts pressure on other ways to orgasm.

Due to church upbringing, neither of us have slept with other people, which for me brings in huge questions of 'what would it be like / how would it be different', but that's kind of another story.

I suppose I'm just looking for support and any pearls of wisdom in navigating this. Currently trying to he gentle with myself and him, not put pressure on, keep communicating together etc.

Thank you for reading x

Please, no private messages (as I've just received). If would like to contribute, I'd appreciate it being on the thread as that feels much safer.

I'm not well versed with Christian culture and does and dont's but have you tried masturbating in front of him? Let him watch tell him where and what your hand is doing, perhaps by watching he might feel able to help. Maybe get him to put his hand on yours as you do it, so he is nearly touching then build up to the next step of him touching you whilst you guide his hand.

Sorry if this is against the religious beliefs and totally out of the equation.

Firstly let me say that I have no professional qualifications whatsoever in this area.

I think that two lifetimes of sexual repression are not going to be resolved in a short time, no matter how much you and your husband want them to be. Your sexual happiness is priceless and is definitely worth investing in. With that in mind, it may be worth exploring the possibility of some therapy.

My own step-daughter was abandoned by her biological father and this has affected her ability to form relationships in adult life. She spent her own money on psychotherapy in an attempt to sort things out. She found it very helpful indeed. I suspect that any NHS help would take far too long to arrange, and perhaps even be impossible, so it is probably going to be something you need to finance yourselves.

I wish you both the sexual happiness you deserve.

@Yorkieboy this is a good practical suggestion, thank you. It's something I have thought about, but we have not yet tried. I will suggest to hubby and see how he feels about it.
I'm no longer part of the church, so thankfully (and finally) don't have to worry about things being against religious beliefs:)

@xpc316e thank you for your kind response and validation that our sexual happinessis important. It's helpful to be reminded that this will all take time. Sometimes I read about people's experiences on here and want to be further down the road but you are right, it's not a quick fix. I would love for us to have some psychosexual therapy together. It's definitely a possibility. We've both had counselling in the past. Probably time to start saving so we can invest in ourselves and our relationship in this way:)

I can relate, although my experience is a little different. I had a religious upbringing, probably more mainstream than yours, and I'm still involved with church.

What it meant was shyness, which DW and I overcame little by little. We were both worried about that the other thought, which unquestionably led to misunderstandings. On the other hand, what was very much in our favour, and probably yours too, is that our background meant we built our sex life with each other, and that's been a very unifying thing.

What your DH describes as a phobia might really just be the above things. For him right now it might be too intensely good iyswim.

Have hubby rub some lotion on your vagina to help moisturize it, It may take a few tries eventually it would be a step in right direction. Perhaps a full body massage.

I would echo PP's suggestion for therapy.

I would suggest psychosexual tantric somatics as perhaps an avenue for you to explore in your journey to sexual bliss with each other.

https://somaticsexualwholeness.com/how-our-sexual-and-intimacy-patterns-are-rooted-in-childhood-relational-imprints/

@Catullus5 thank you for sharing a bit of your experience. Yes, it's good to think about the things that work in our favour, and our shared experience of unlearning/ relearning together is definitely unifying.

@Mysticguru thanks, I'll take a look.

I do agree that some sex therapy will help a lot. They can suggest ways in which you can explore together and put aside any deep rooted feelings that you both have from your upbringing. Like you say, Rome wasn’t built in a day and it’s going to take time to break down those barriers but fact you both want to do it and improve things is great and investing in some professional therapy will hopefully be life changing. I know a friend who saw a sex therapist with her ex husband and they set little tasks each week