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Original poster

Boyfriend can't climax

16 replies

ellie09 · 07/05/2023 12:33

I have been with my new boyfriend for around 6 months now and he has only actually "finished" once.

It has come up in discussions and at first I was sympathetic and we tried to work on what it may be.

He came off his anti depressants, and had also given up vaping but this doesn't seem to have helped. He is now saying he thinks its psychological due to being in toxic relationships beforehand where his ex claimed to have had a miscarriage after they broke up (she lied apparently)

I have tried to replicate the one time he did, the mood, the position, everything but it hasn't worked.

It hasn't bothered me until last night as I usually finish quite fast lol. I suddenly became very down and started to think that it may very well be me, and his physical attraction to me. I had a heart to heart but he says its not that at all.

How do we move forward with this?

OP posts:
JMSA · 07/05/2023 14:08

How do we move forward with this?

You end it. You're his lover, not his counsellor.
And life is too short for bad sex.

goodf · 07/05/2023 20:22

Anti-depressents can definitely have a negative effect on your sex life - i know this from personal experience - but if he genuinely has a psychological issue then counselling sessions and/or CBT might provide a viable way forward.

It all depends how good a boyfriend he is and has been and how serious you are about him obviously. If not good on either count, then maybe just move on as other posters have suggested. Hope it all works out xX

NoDatingForOldMen · 07/05/2023 20:30

How do we move forward with this?

why do think you need to move forward, he doesn’t climax during sex, so what?

are you both having a good time ?
is the sex enjoyable? Why are you worrying about it ?

Cakencookieobsessed · 07/05/2023 21:01

NoDatingForOldMen · 07/05/2023 20:30

How do we move forward with this?

why do think you need to move forward, he doesn’t climax during sex, so what?

are you both having a good time ?
is the sex enjoyable? Why are you worrying about it ?

Presumably she wants to have a satisfying sex life and feel that he is also satisfied. Maybe she wants kids with him one day? OP, I've been with a man like this and it led to him not being able to get it up very often, going soft halfway through and bad sex. He wasn't bothered about it at all but he had a low drive in general. It turned out he had a longterm issue. It was too much hard work trying to solve it.

Myotherusernamewastakenagain · 08/05/2023 10:45

JMSA · 07/05/2023 14:08

How do we move forward with this?

You end it. You're his lover, not his counsellor.
And life is too short for bad sex.

Would you give the same advice to a man whose female partner couldn't orgasm? Are people only worthy of relationships if they can cum?

JMSA · 08/05/2023 11:22

After only 6 months, I probably would!
The OP can choose to work through it with him, of course, and hope that it will come good in the end (pun unintended). Or she risks her self-esteem going down the swanny if nothing changes.
I'm not sure the risk is worth it after only 6 months. For me, the relationship would need to be flawless in every other way.

AbsolutePixels · 08/05/2023 18:13

Just end it, this sounds incredibly unsatisfying for you. No need to pander to his feelings, he's probably brought this upon himself by endlessly jerking it to hardcore pornography.

AbsolutePixels · 08/05/2023 18:19

Would you give the same advice to a man whose female partner couldn't orgasm? False equivalence. When a woman can't come, it's usually because her partner is a selfish, clumsy arse, who won't take guidance. This clearly doesn't apply in OP's case, as she's bent over backwards trying to make it happen.

AbsolutePixels · 08/05/2023 18:25

why do think you need to move forward, he doesn’t climax during sex, so what? Is expecting a man to have a functioning dick now unreasonable?? Omigod, these men keep trying to get us to accept less and less!

Throughaway · 08/05/2023 20:51

Who says it's bad sex?

My partner has this, delayed ejaculation. Means he just goes until I tell him I've had enough... I've never thought that I need to dump him because of it...

girlfromyorkshire · 08/05/2023 21:21

Throughaway · 08/05/2023 20:51

Who says it's bad sex?

My partner has this, delayed ejaculation. Means he just goes until I tell him I've had enough... I've never thought that I need to dump him because of it...

Agree 100%. My hubby went on an anti-depressant about 18 months ago for anxiety, and to be honest, it the the best sex we have ever had and had positive effects. He used to cum too quickly most of the time and now he can go for ages, until I am completely done, and still not cum. After a few months he also found that his urge or need to masturbate had gone away, but again, him not needing to wank was fine with me.

As long as he doesn't mind and you are satisfied then I would not worry or feel bad about it at all. If he really wants to climax then my wand vibrator can usually get him there, but most of the time he says he doesn't need to.

Original poster
ellie09 · 09/05/2023 12:24

The sex is great otherwise, I get mine and he has no issues maintaining if that makes sense, he just has issues with finishing himself. He makes it clear he is enjoying it but can't seem to finish.

The one time he has came wasn't even on a special night or any effort put in. In fact, I was loaded with the cold at the time, with no make up and my pjs on 😂

It may be issues playing in my mind due to an ex that had a similar "issue" that magically disappeared once we broken up and he used me for sex afterwards in which he had no issues at all thereafter. When we were together, the "issue" however became increasingly more difficult to manage as he refused sex for months at a time.

My boyfriend now says his issue may just be getting used to me, after having abusive relationships and getting comfortable again, so maybe 6 months isn't quite long enough for him. He never refuses sex and in fact, initiates it 50% if not more of the time. It was just after looking at his exes (lol, silly I know) and realizing they were a lot physically attractive than me, I thought that may play a part.

OP posts:
eliseH1998 · 10/05/2023 14:03

@ellie09 @girlfromyorkshire Wow if there is something out there that can make my boyfriend last longer and stop him wanking all the time just please tell me where to get it!

If he is OK about things and you get what you need then I would not worry about it, put it out of your mind and move on. It can take some time to get fully comfortable with a new partner and open up, so again, just go with the flow and try not to make it a thing for him.

lucyandmike · 17/05/2023 03:52

@ellie09 @eliseH1998 My DH has been on Sertraline for a while now and seen exactly the side same effects you mention, and not all bad! Very happy he lasts much longer now!

PinotPony · 17/05/2023 08:02

@ellie09 The obvious question, which I'm surprised nobody has asked, is whether he can cum when he masturbates. If he can't, then it's more likely to be a physical issue than psychological.

If he can, then the next question is how he masturbates. My DP struggled to cum and it started to become an issue. During discussion, he revealed that he masturbated every morning to porn. He stopped using porn and the issue resolved.

innocentfun · 17/05/2023 08:22

JMSA · 07/05/2023 14:08

How do we move forward with this?

You end it. You're his lover, not his counsellor.
And life is too short for bad sex.

cripes- too many of these sorts of comments on mumsnet - particularly on the relationships bit. There seems to be a small but determined band of women who delight in pushing folk to breakups. one can only wonder why.
Lots of work for a counsellor/psychologist there for sure.
papers to be written.

On the original question from the OP.
He's not using Viagra by any chance?
This can i repeat can inhibit male orgasms while prolonging sex.

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