Wife (F+F) is a sexual dead-end

[draxdomax]

We've dated for 2 years before marriage. So, it's not like we are having the expected "stabilisation" of our sex life.
It's more like: we stabilised into a pattern that we were both happy with (or so I thought) and then got married.

6 months into our marriage, few weeks ago, she pops me with "well I don't like doing this, actually".

By "this" I don't want to go into details but we aren't talking about anything crazy... Imagine F+F sex and, the first thing on your mind - it's not "this". The next thing is.

No reason. She swears everything is OK, she just never liked doing that and, being the high-self-esteem woman that she is, she isn't going to do something she doesn't like, end of.

Which is a fair point but also not a silver bullet, in my opinion.

I've done things I don't particularly like but if it blows my partner's mind - why not? I experience huge pleasure from giving my partner an earth-shattering orgasm.

I love her so much. It has never been about sex but I am also highly sexual and the stuff other than vanilla is usually the highlight of my week and I feel robbed off a simple pleasure that pretty much every woman has access to.

As for "talk to her": well I have experience with that, with the first woman I was with. As we were both figuring out sex, I found what makes me feel amazing and wanted more of that, only to be told it was experimental and didn't work out for her.
I "talked to her about it" and she said "well do you want me to do something that I don't like?"

Well, talking to my partner in the past with the same problem has only served to enshrine the problem.
I like that, she doesn't, least common denominator...

Well I left that relationship, which was a huge love but I was way too young to give up my sexual enjoyment in this life.

We basically broke up over "this".
I tried to stay the course, tried "substitutes", tried coaching myself out of things that I like - nope! I was bitter, jealous of other women, started thinking about "retaliation" and then just one day announced we are breaking up.

Then, I had a few relationships, where "this" was not a problem, actually my partners loved it and wanted us to have this as much as possible.

Now, I am married and find myself thinking of the word "trap" :(

Yesterday, after driving her and her special needs brother 12 hours to our hotel in Scotland, I washed, I felt relaxed, I suddenly felt if I got "this" right now I would be the happiest woman in the world... I gently allured to that idea and I know she received my clue because she suggested the regular thing that she's happy to do and I said I don't feel like that right now and she suggested some other non-starter alternative.

I felt disappointed, rejected, short-changed.
I didn't want to do anything then.

Later at night I found myself waking up sweating with desire and already fantasizing about "this" - with someone else!

I am just worried about my own fulfillment in life, sex is a big part of it for now... But I also don't want to poison the relationship.

What's the "this"

Honestly.. without knowing what ‘this’ is, it’s too hard to navigate on how to help.

So she won't give you oral sex?

I'm baffled, sorry. What is it she won't do? Kind of reminds me of then meatloaf song

" I'd do anything for love, but I won't do THAT"

Sorry folks. I know the moment I start getting specific, people would totally lose the point and start solutionizing.

Imagine what you will and use that as a placeholder for the discussion.

I am not talking about any pee or poo or pain or humiliation.
Really very vanilla stuff.

Honestly if someone can't think abstractly and has to know the details, they are focusing on the wrong part and I don't want to hear their input - with all due respect <3

So you’ve been together 2.5 years and married 6 months?
I agree the timing of her withdrawal of possibly oral sex or maybe using a strap on is unfair. Can’t think what else it might be, but agree that actual thing isn’t perhaps relevant.

I would feel a bit angry I think. Have you been very clear that you do want this? The problem is, even if she agrees now you won’t enjoy it if it feels coerced. Is there any reason she might have gone off it? What has she said?

Where else is the relationship heading? Do you have a house together? Hopes of children? Would you consider ending things? Sometimes it’s braver to end a marriage than unhappily stay put.

@Wishona
I would feel a bit angry I think. Have you been very clear that you do want this? The problem is, even if she agrees now you won’t enjoy it if it feels coerced...

That's exactly how I feel!
I thought that feeling would be too complex to describe but I am relieved it's something others can understand.

For example, now that I took her and her special brother to Scotland: He has brain damage and they speak a language I don't understand.
So, I had to listen to 12 hours of repeating slurred, too loud, speech that I have no idea what it is about.
Also, we can't hike up where I want to because of him. We have to take very easy, no danger, routes...

But you know what? He comes to visit once a year, it's nobody's fault, I just take it.
I pretend I enjoy the trip...
Can you imagine if middle of our 10 day vacation I spill the beans?
That would ruin everything for everyone, for no gain at all, why would I do that?

Let her enjoy the trip with her brother, guilt free. It's my gift to her, as long as she's happy.

...

Yes I have been clear about this once. I don't want to make it worse by constantly pestering about it.
She said she never liked doing that, she feels nothing while doing that and she wants sex to be "a together thing".
Personally, when I do it to her, I feel amazing and I would do it as much as I could :)

...

We have a house together in the sense that I invited her to live with me, as she can't sustain a housing solution on her own efforts.

I'm a lesbian. I'd say you need to divorce, as quickly as possible. Take whatever it was you had when you started the relationship, be polite to each other and go your separate ways.

You sound entitled and grudging and curiously conservative in your inability to talk openly about sexual practices. I can't say anything about her because we don't have her words or point of view but I imagine she finds the situation just as difficult.

You're not compatible sexually and her brother will be in her life forever. So get out of the relationship, look for someone who fits you better sexually and is on a similar financial level to you and don't marry again.

Here's Julie Bindel on the reasons why lesbian marriages so frequently end in divorce. https://www.spectator.co.uk/article/what-explains-the-rise-in-lesbian-divorce/