Sex in long term marriages...

[rollingrosebud]

Hello All

I'm not a usual on the sex threads and NC to keep separate from my usual posting.

I've gone off sex, I'm struggling with 2 very small children, full time job, full time Mum/Wife who does it all (let's not go there with this in relation to sex life)

My husband seems to think that most couples DONT have dry spells and that he doesn't accept this is actually a pretty standard issue in a relationship from
time to time and it means I don't love him/fancy him. I'm trying to explain its nothing to do with that it's not about how I feel about him, it's how I feel about me and just utter exhaustion and after a day of toddler tantrums and a demanding job sometimes I just need quiet and not to be touched.

So what I want to know is, how common are dry spells and how did you get over them.

I do know I need to make more effort, I'm not saying I have no part in fixing this, I absolutely do but I can't be bothered with the sulking and the refusal to accept it's a part of a long term relationship and actually if his attitude doesn't change I literally have no interest in fixing it. We're a couple, here to meet each other needs and his need for sex doesn't trump my need for space and actually him driving his needs is making the dry spell worst.

But my situation is besides the point.. I want to hear how common/uncommon it is and how you move past it.

It's so so comments. Have a read through the board - some sort of variation comes up daily.
Methods on how to fix it ..... not so common. Its complex and in my opinion, time or professional help is the most likely.

I have 1 DD, now a tween, and I worked full time when she was little. Add to that the pressure of caring for an ill parent, remembering the World Book Day costume, sorting birthday gifts for parties blah blah…it was truly exhausting. I wasn’t happy with my body anymore. I sometimes felt I would shatter into pieces if I was touched once more, or I would scream if I needed to ‘do’ one more thing.

My DP and I just put our heads down and bulldozed through those years, being as kind as possible to one another. Taking it in turns to visit family, catch a nap, take DD to swimming lessons or whatever. Sex was completely off the cards for us, it took me ages to heal from childbirth physically. DD required resuscitation on delivery and I was thankfully off my face on the drugs, but I would say DP probably should have been treated for PTSD.

Bit by bit I got my body confidence back, we had more free time to just laugh and be us (not Mum & Dad), we began hugging more, getting to know each other physically again. I think DD was probably around 8 when our sex life returned to normal. Talking with girlfriends at the time I was reassured that our situation was by no means strange. It’s one of the parts of parenting that gets glossed over!

I wouldn’t accept sulking for sex, you do not need another toddler!

You don’t need to check how common - you know already. And it’s impossible to get through without addressing your tiredness/exhaustion.
It gets better as kids become less demanding; and/or you get help; and as the people in the partnership realise they are a team going through the most difficult phase of child rearing.

If he can’t help to ease your load - he needs to at least pay for outsourcing his contribution.
So - you can have w break and ‘you-time’. So that you can start feeling like a sexual being and not carer-organiser-cook-cleaner….

If you put things that can address it all in place before resentments on both sides sets in - there is hope.
Otherwise - you will end up at best in a marriage of living as room mates - and worst - affair/divorce/etc.

Yes I know. I know it's normal. I know it's ok. But he doesn't. Was hoping to try and prove it to him.
I need him to see another perspective because he seems to think he's the only one in the world, reckons he's spoken to all his mates about it but clearly they're not being honest.

I think I'm trying too hard to fix it and actually, it's time to just walk away.

I've got 4 kids, 1 autistic and life can be busy and stressful as a result. We've had little rough patches where we annoy each other and had arguments, probably because we're both stressed but we've never stopped having sex. We both have high sex drives so it's never really been an issue. If I'm too tired or not in the mood, then he'd never push it, but I think it's important to try and make the effort for each other. If you're not up for sex then at least try to have physical intimacy and keep the communication open.

@rollingrosebud

I don’t think it’s a matter of proving to him it’s normal. It’s not an argument or a discussion of whose needs are more important - his or yours.
If this is where the discussion currently is - than it’s already going to a bad place.

But - it doesn’t yet have to. Relationships take work - and you are probably in the most difficult phase. Where your pre-kids relationship needs to adjust to a very new reality and work as a partnership.
Where both of you need to see the other and their needs and figure out how to navigate the new status quo.
This is the ‘for worse’ phase. Just because many people go through it - doesn’t make it ‘normal’.

I'm sorry that you & DH are struggling with this. As you know & as other posters have said, it is very common but that doesn't help your situation.
Have a look at The Sex Doctor on Instragram - Dr Karen Gurney. She often talks about this & gives some practical advice. She did a very popular podcast with the owner of the Don't Buy Her Flowers CEO. It's from 13th May 2022 if you want to look it up on Spotify etc. Maybe try to listen together with your DH.
Dr Gurney also has a website & workshops: https://havelockonlineworkshops.teachable.com/p/good-sex-for-new-parents

Good luck.

Every couple is different though and has different things personal to them going on in the marriage or relationships , for me personally ive only not had sex for the few weeks after having my children youngest is now 10,, i am 40 now and my drive hasnt dipped it has go more so now tho in the las year my husband cannot keep up with me hes had to say no some times lol we laugh about it and the next day or hours later we be at it but as i said everyone is diff connection communication trust and then is there anything else maybe going on between couples always can have a little impact but in saying my personal experience doesnt mean someone else is the same we all have diff things going on.

Maybe suggest mite i add your hubby does more to help you at home with children etc maybe have some dates go out start dating again romance candles etc if he and you take time yous both can get back from the dry spells and these do happen yes forgot to say this in above comment

Very common. Although it goes the other way too. Often men lose libido in late 40s just as women get a perimenopause surge. A GP friend told me, it is one of the most common things they see.

I'd be tempted to turn it round and ask your partner how he would feel if it was the other way round and you were asking him to go to the doctor to get viagra. How shit would that make him feel about himself in the first place? Like he was failing you. That is not to say that there is not space for both your needs.

Difficult though it is when you have young DC, you need to make time for sex just as you make time for eating, bathing etc, it's an essential part of life as a couple. It will not be the same as sex before kids, often just a quick shag when you have managed to settle them in front of a screen, but it keeps the spark alive and it will get easier as they get older. When our DC were young we made a deal to try not to go longer than a week without - looking back on that now, a quarter of a century later, i think it was one of the best moves we ever made, we are now mid 60s and still have sex at least once a week. I'm not sure we would have survived the strains of middle age and child rearing had it not been for a strong and continuing sexual desire for each other.

Onny09!9.🥲l

Yes, of course, very common in long term relationships, whether it's the arrival of young children, or stresses brought on by work or whole host of other stuff in life - mental or physical ill health, looking after elderly parents etc. Any of those everyday life experiences can wreak havoc on libido.

We had four kids in the space of six years. Fantastic but we were both walking around like zombies for half the time! My sex drive continued unabated however but DW just really wasn't interested. I won't say I didn't find that tough and sometimes I worried that our sex lives would never be the same again or that she'd stopped fancying me. It took me a bit of time to get it into my thick head that she was just tired out. And whilst tiredness for me didn't seem to affect how horny I felt it had a huge effect on her desire for sex. I just had to learn to be considerate and understanding of that.

We did keep having sex though - it was probably something like every couple of weeks or so (it's a bit of a distant memory now) which on reflection I think was vital in maintaining that emotional connection.

It wasn't easy but you can come out the other side and normality can resume.

It’s very important to make time for each other as well. Can a grandparent help with childcare so you can have date nights?
As frustrating as it is, I do understand you DP getting upset (sulking) that you’re not having sex.
Is the intimacy there in other ways?

Normal and okay are not the same thing. It seems you have decided your husband is wrong and the only option is to convince him of that. I'm afraid you are not going to get a good outcome if that is how you are approaching it.

Instead, try to actually be open to recognising his feelings are genuine, just as yours are and discuss how you both can actually move forward together. Do you need more support around the home? Do you both need to create time for just being a couple? Do you need professional support?

@rollingrosebud It's by no means uncommon. Whilst the burden of childcare still falls predominantly on the woman the overall grown-up family load I believe should shared as equally as possible. That isn't always easy as some men can struggle with the transition from Partner to Parent/Partner (I know I did for a while), it can also be hard for some women to allow the support offered to share the load, depending on the modelling shown to them as a child (again applies to your DP).

Clearly from what is a short post (I know even a loooooooong one won't necessarily give the full picture) it does appear that your DP has a way to go and could well be missing things depending on his own load and level of self awareness.

As @Mermaidparades said kindness and consideration to each other will truly help bridge this period and once your DC get's into their stride (school, friends, hobbies etc) you can then be mindful together of putting time aside to not neglect this important aspect of your relationship.

When this happens can depend on the individuals and the couple in question.

I would say (and this is my own POV and I do hope this comes across in the sincere way it's meant) that your openness in what you want and where you want to be and what you are struggling with could give your DP the space to see and step in and up so you can walk this walk together, closer and happy as your unit.

Good luck and please report back!

thanks for the feedback everyone, just to cover a few things that's cropped up..

I have made time and effort previously, I do know it's important and I know it's how he feels validated so I've always made the time and effort, even if I wasn't in the mood, Ive tried, bath, pampering, nice underwear etc. We've never gone more than a week. Problem is, he's never listened to me and my needs so I've got to the point now where I don't make the time and I don't make the effort so it's become a 'chore' to me. It's getting harder and harder to make that effort when I'm not getting anything back.

He seems to think that all the issues come from the lack of sex and I'm trying to explain that the lack of sex has come from all the issues. He just doesn't get it, because sex makes him feel wanted and loved he thinks it should be the same for me. But it isn't, I want an equal partner, not a man child.

So actually, we've never had a 'dry spell' as such because I've always made the effort but last couple of months that effort has changed from me making an effort to, me ticking off another chore on my list and this is the bit I can't get him to understand. He thinks it's completely abnormal to go off sex.

Oh and as for date nights. They're non-existent. We have childcare, we have both sets of grandparents who would drop everything at a moments notice to have the kids. But again, I've given up and can't be bothered. He's all or nothing so he's out and getting wasted or he's on soft drinks so date night ends up being dinner or an activity and it's there, done, back. So if we had a meal booked we'd turn up bang on time, eat and leave. Same if we chose cinema or any other activity. We go there, do that and leave. And it just got to the point I can't be bothered to make the effort to get ready to rush there and back. I'd like to go early, have a few drinks before, go to a bar, make an evening of it after but he just won't. I've tried to talk to him but he just says what's the point.

This is turning into a completely different topic isn't it, I think the issues are so much bigger.

@rollingrosebud I don't ever suggest book bashing but it may be either of you could get some insight from reading this book.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Passionate-Marriage-Intimacy-Committed-Relationships/dp/0393334279/ref=sr_1_1?crid=18JEC5ZQ5EW8P&keywords=passionate+marriage+by+david+schnarch&qid=1682416489&sprefix=passiona%2Caps%2C146&sr=8-1

It's valid for anyone in a committed relationship, not about what's wrong with someone, it focuses on hey it's alright every relationship can go through this, try this and it might help.

It transformed me as a bloke from not knowing wtf is happening to ohhhh shiiiit that's what we can do.

Oh and you can find an abridged audiobook version on Amazon too which could be a good starter Differentiation was a life changer for me.

Good luck!!

From a husband's perspective I also found Emily Nagoski's "Come as you are" (about female sexuality, what can affect libido, etc) really, really helpful and insightful, helping me to understand a little better things from DWs perspective.

A couple of months ago I took up @Rieslinger's recommendation to read David Schnarch's "Passionate Marriage" and found that really helpful too. Maybe, if your husband is willing to have a read of either/both it might be of some help?

Fanks @Iloveabaconbutty glad it was useful

I could have written this myself. I work FT in a demanding and emotional job (child protection), 2 children, one of whom has ASD. I fight for everything this child needs. I do almost all the house stuff. Including all the organising, remembering, prepping etc. I'm exhausted. I have asked my husband for help but he just doesn't. He is OK doing some of the stuff like painting, but it's not the physical stuff that knackers me, it's the mental load of motherhood. He clearly expects me to meet his intimacy needs but has made no effort to meet my needs as his wife and mother of his children. Whilst it doesn't sit comfortably to me, and I worry I should just 'put out' I'm just too goddam tired!! I think mothers tend to feel we 'should' have sex and quite honestly, unless he starts helping he has no chance. We haven't had sex in 4 months

We are very similar! I work in children's mental health. Also have a toddler who's going through asd assessment and my younger one is now also possibly showing traits of asd/adhd. It's just emotionally draining isn't it, you do it all day and then come home to do it all again. Work, despite its challenges is actually easy in comparison to having your own children struggling. I also find as a professional, I'm highly respected, but as a parent, with the same knowledge and experience, I'm not respected at all! It's so hard

You said "We're a couple, here to meet each other needs and his need for sex doesn't trump my need for space".

As a man being completely shut out by his wife for sex for a very long time (for the same reasons as you, supposedly), I find this statement difficult. Why does anyone trump anyone? Sex is very important to lots of people, as is a need for space/relaxation. It's equal no?

It's the most difficult thing to live with or fix, hence the endless topics on this subject.