Ttc/Low Libido

[hopingforarainbowbabe]

Kind words welcome 😊 My husband and I are trying for our rainbow following a missed miscarriage at 10 weeks in January.

He’s been on Citalopram (anti depressants) for a couple of years now and is on a fairly high dosage which has completely ruined his sex drive. He copes really well on the meds and I support it completely but ttc is almost impossible with the current state of our sex life.

He’s tried supplements for increasing libido and I’m doing everything in my power to track cycles and take my vitamins, however if he’s not “in the mood” during my fertile window.. that’s the end of the conversation. It’s becoming a very difficult subject and we’re running out of ideas on how we move forward.

We’re only a few months in this time and with our January loss, it took over a year to conceive initially. Any tips welcome from couples who have gone through similar? Feeling deflated and hopeless :(

I’m so sorry for your loss in January. I’m afraid I don’t have any useful advice but I just wanted to wish you strength and love as you move forward together 💗

Thank you so much. 💗

This sounds like a really difficult situation, OP. I suppose in an ideal world you would address his mental health issues before starting a family, but I do understand that depression can be extremely long lasting and difficult to resolve, plus it sounds as though you really want to be pregnant soon.

Is there a possibility he could do talking therapy as an adjunct to medication and look at reducing his daily dose? Or perhaps you feel the risk of a relapse would be too great.

What's the situation with his sexual function? Is it simply a lack of desire for sex, or is he struggling to get an erection and/or ejaculate? There are obviously things you can do to inflame his desire - lingerie, toys, dirty talk, etc - but he feels pressured they're only likely to contribute to the problem. Difficult.

If he's on board to be a father and you absolutely need to get pregnant now (say if you're 40+ and didn't have time on your side), I think I'd just do whatever it took to get his sperm, even if it meant putting a porno on and grinding it out until he came. Sorry, I know that sounds horrible, I'm talking about a last resort before assisted conception.

One last thing, there's a antidepressant called Buproprion which actually enhances libido and sexual function. Although it's widely used to treat depression in the US, it's only licensed in the UK for smoking cessation. Perhaps a private psychiatrist might prescribe it? I'm not really sure, thought I'd mention it in case it's an avenue you want to explore.

Thank you for your response here! To answer your questions -

Yes, he’s been diagnosed with depression for 10 years+ so I don’t necessarily think he’ll ever be “cured”, I think he’ll just be finding ways to live with it. He’s mentally in a really good space at the moment, and is functioning so well with his meds. He’s had talking therapy which he used in conjunction with the meds.

He absolutely does want to be a father soon and he’s always been transparent with me that he’s happy to come off the tablets if it comes down to it, but like you said - the risk of relapse is a concern for us both and I wouldn’t want to pressure him to make that choice - it’s totally his decision.

We’ve tried to spice things up in tons of different ways, but unfortunately it’s not always effective. He either isn’t in the mood or can’t get an erection or both. It’s obviously demoralising and the rejection isn’t nice for me, nor does he want to be the person making me feel that way.

The comment about the alternative medication is definitely food for thought. I wasn’t aware about it, and I’m definitely going to suggest it. He’s due to meet with our GP in a few weeks so it’ll be good to get their perspective too.

Thanks for a useful insight!

This is so difficult.

How old are you? Do you have time to play with?
I agree if he’s stable it might be a a shame to switch meds, would he discuss meds with his GP anyway?

Would be be willing to take anything to help an erection just at your fertile times?

Would he attempt to masturbate at your fertile time and enter you just in time?(Having normal sex at other non fertile times)

If he is keen to become a father, has he any suggestions apart from coming off meds?

I can imagine this is really hard on your self esteem. Is he affectionate otherwise?
I’m sorry you had a missed miscarriage, that must have been a hard blow.

We’re both 30, so thankfully we do have time and we’re not watching our biological clocks just yet. We’ve been trying since our wedding, and our first attempt took a year, however after our miscarriage, the want to become parents has only expedited. He is planning to discuss his meds with the GP, and see if they can prescribe him anything additional or an alternative.

Sorry to be TMI, but he says he’s not masturbating either as the desire just isn’t there so I don’t think he’d be keen on the idea. He’s currently taking a testosterone supplement alongside some other general energising vitamins which seem to have had zero effect. He think we’ve exhausted all our other options other than making a change to his meds..

Aside from sex, he shows lots of affection and our marriage is in a good place, but I can foresee the pressure of an inactive sex life (regardless of ttc or not) becoming an issue.

Thank you re: missed miscarriage, it was a really difficult time that ended in surgical removal which was just devastating. Just hoping we don’t need to wait another year to fall pregnant 🤞🏻

It must have been devastating and really traumatic and I can understand your desire to now get pregnant as quickly as possible.
The complications around his lack of libido must seem extra cruel for both of you now.

I have a few thoughts, partly based on my own experiences. I hope they come across the right way. This is reference to you seeing the potential for an inactive sex life to become and issue:
How do you feel about a future with an inactive sex life? Have there been periods when it’s not like this? There are different potential outcomes, but what if it is always like this? How important is sex to you?
It might be hard to weigh this up when you are broody….
In my case, I had a baby, then sex dropped off a cliff (not my doing). I then got married even though a little voice in my head was screaming about this very issue. I thought about this on my wedding day 🙁A decade later it’s a constant ache. But I put my child first and it was the right thing to do for my child.

You have time on your side. I think I would try and fix the sex issue first and avoid a pregnancy for 6-12 months while you do this. Maybe avoid piv to take the pressure off for a while, and see if his libido comes back with a change of meds etc Hopefully a change of meds will fix the issue, and maybe just put your plans back a few months.
He has mental health needs, but make sure your own needs are given consideration too.

Alternatively you might be someone who is happy to live a relatively sex free life when the other parts of your relationship are strong.

Good luck

The gp won't be able to change to buprion. A psychiatrist would be able to give him many other options of medication. You will unlikley ever get there on the NHS, going private through somewhere like the priory group and look for someone who mentions medication in their bio would be best.