Had sex with wife once in 12 years

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I think it’s 12 years, possibly more.. background - since we’ve been married sex has never really been on the agenda but now it’s taking it’s toll on me. We have discussed recently but if I’m honest can’t see things improving in the future. I see this as fairly normal…is it?? Opinions / comments would be welcomed..

12 years? My goodness that is a long time - why have you left it all this time if you don't mind me asking?

Not having sex for 12 years+ isn’t normal, unless you both agreed to be celibate.

What are the reasons sex hasn’t been on the agenda for you? Did you both enter your marriage knowing that it would be this way?

If I’m being honest I’ve spoken to someone recently who has opened my eyes about the subject and made me question if I can continue like this.

Strange that you've never really noticed it's an issue until now. Do you not crave sex?

We we’re pretty active until our first child came along then after that dropped off a cliff. I never thought of leaving until now, keeping the family together was very important to me but as both children have left home you start to consider the future

Yes, it’s always been an issue for me but never like it is now. I probably dismissed it as normal before. And yes, I crave sex / intimacy.

For me, physical and emotional intimacy are entwined, we celebrate our love by caring for the other if they’re poorly, providing a shoulder if they’ve had a hard day, making a cuppa when they’ve arrived home from work etc as well as all the beautiful manifestations of sex.

Without the physical side though I think the relationship becomes just a really good friendship. I wouldn’t choose to live like that. It would crush me.

Thanks for opinions, what i’d really like to know is could you live like that?

Me, frankly, no I couldn't. Have you never discussed this at all with your wife over the past twelve years until recently?

If my partner developed an illness and became unable to/ lost desire to have sex then I would be by his side, looking after him any way I could. My sexual needs would not come into it.

If my partner completely lost interest in our sex life I would want him to get checked over by a Dr and attend counselling if indicated.

The next move would be up for discussion…separation/ FWB etc. Life is too short for us to be unhappy.

I totally agree with@Mermaidparades. There may be some very good reasons why sex is not happening. I think possibly, if you don't mind, you'll need to elaborate more if posters are able to offer helpful suggestions.

If it were to keep the family together, I could do it, although it would be a real struggle. No sure if I could do it forever though.

My marriage wasn't quite as sexless as yours, but we spent 5yrs in separate bedrooms which just ate away at me and ultimately led to divorce.
We don't typically just get married for sex, but when that goes, I think it's an appropriate time to ask what you regard as the necessary parts of a marriage and whether what remains is enough to justify being housemates and (metaphorical) business partners.
And remember, the grass is always greener, but there's shit in every field.

I’m male in my fifties and I’m in a very similar situation. Like you, I’m trying to answer your question and am working through my options. I have no answers - no simple answers exist. But I do sympathise because it is incredibly hard. PM me if you would like to talk.

This is a kind response. 💕

Absolutely not normal, I'm afraid...

I couldn’t have sex with my husband. It was pretty obvious that I didn’t see him as anything more than a friend. I’d been naive when I married him. I was 19 (almost 20) when we met (he was 30 - which horrifies me now). I hadn’t had a boyfriend previously so no experience to compare him to. Aside from the age gap he lacked passion, or maybe I lacked passion with him because - deep down - I knew I wasn’t attracted to him. However, he was a nice man. We had two children and, like you, I wanted to keep the family together.

Years went by but I still couldn’t go near him sexually. Nothing there. So, no kissing, nothing. I kept busy. Work and kids etc.

I became more sexual at menopause (and some people on here probably recognise my story) and ended up with another man - who is still in my life after 6 years. I cracked and couldn’t stand the marriage deprived of intimacy, affection, sex and just good old connection! OM blew my mind! So, so affectionate and passionate. So aware of me as a person. Still is. It made me really think and delve into the depths of my soul and mind.

Not only had my husband been living in a sexless marriage but so had I!! I wasn’t frigid. I was with the wrong man who was nothing more than a friend to me in the end. I ended my marriage.

I regret that I trapped myself in such a situation. I was a fool. I have missed out on so much but I didn’t want to hurt his feelings by telling him that I was attracted to him. The chemistry wasn’t there!

You need to end your marriage. Life is too short! I wish I had said something years ago.

Wasn’t attracted to him that should say at the end!

Forgot to say, it was about 12 years of no sex for us too when things went crazy for me.

@TulipsandButterflies I glad you had that experience of feeling cherished and desired by the OM.

Personally no, I couldn’t live as husband and wife for 12 years with no sex, but if you are happy in your marriage then that’s fine.

but on the other side, if you kids have left home and you still want to have a sex life but your DW doesn’t, divorce might be the best option for you & find someone else

I assume you have wanted sex but been rejected, or what?
Have you discussed it?

In essence this isn't really a relationship, at least an intimate one but you have to decide whether it is worth leaving. What often happens is it isn't an issue worth leaving over but then one party gets their sexual side reawakened by someone and they realise what is missing

There is a thread on here about IE - and this is exactly what many people in sexless marriages end up doing. If they don’t want to divorce, as for many sexless marriages it’s not just kids that hold them together. Also financials, life, companionship.

No - 12 sexless years isn’t normal when you actually have a libido.
How did you manage not to act on in with anyone else?