I love him but…….

[Olivia1987]

Hello,

I’ve got such a huge issue. Sorry it’s going to be a long post.

all my life I have been the fat, ugly one. Always. No boys ever liked me for anything more but someone to either have a drink with or (well you know) I’m seriously nothing special. That’s ok not everyone can be Blake Lively.

I’ve had boyfriends, who I love and who I pretended to love me. Then I found someone who I was with and deeply in love with for over 8 years we had a child and it went down the drain. He wasn’t a great dad really. I did everything. I remember he was asleep in bed and I got our son up and ready to go to nursery and took him and then I ran to work so I wasn’t late. This happened frequently. All he needed to do was help. Anyway we aren’t together anymore.

I found someone who is just incredible. He is the most amazing step dad. He treats me like an equal and princess, we want to get married and have a baby (over share right now), but he can’t keep it up once he’s inside me.

He’s fine when we’re doing oral sex or hand play. It just seems as soon as he’s inside me it ends. It’s so utterly deflating and humiliating for me. It literally sets in stone how disgusting I am. He says it’s not me lol. It clearly is.

thing is what do I do. I’m not pretty or slim. I guess I don’t expect other people to find me attractive but I thought he was different from the rest. He says he does think I’m pretty and stuff but after this I don’t believe him.

its ruining our relationship. I want to be with him, I think he’s the most attractive man I’ve ever met but it’s killing me knowing he doesn’t feel the same about me.

I don’t want to live feeling like this the rest of my life. Am I clutching at straws. Help.

This post is all about how you feel, but take a minute to imagine how he feels, I bet its deflating and humiliating for him too.

You don't mention how old he is but this is entirely normal, it could be age, other health issues or totally psychological, he may be so scared of disappointing you it's affecting his performance.

How would he feel about some assistance such as some ED pills?

Hello

thank you for the reply. He just blames the fact he’s put weight on. I always tell him how amazing he looks because he does (well in my eyes) he’s been this weight before and slept with other women. I don’t believe it. He can keep an erection perfectly just not when having sex with me.

He’s 35.

Erections can be very fickle things and nothing has more power to lose them than the fear that it will disappoint and/or make the partner blame themselves.

Your lack of self confidence is becoming a self fulfilling prophecy, if he loses his erection he makes the partner he loves feel even worse about herself and 'proves' he isn't attracted to her.

How much pressure is that?

He doesn’t know how awful I feel about myself. I’ve never said anything to him.
he knows how I’ve been treated by my ex.

He’s easily slept with other women who he’s had strong feelings for. One who had a pregnancy scare.

I get that pressure and anxiety can be a huge factor. he keeps telling me it’s his weight.
he’s not that big at all. He’s healthy and tall.

You say that he treats you like an equal and a princess, there’s talk of marriage and babies, he’s already an amazing step father to your son. It sounds to me that this man is the real deal. Your size and features do not define you to him, he is in love with your mind, body and soul.

Could the talk about having babies together scared him a little, even subconsciously? It’s such a huge deal. Could that be a cause of his impotence? Given the other details I think it’s very unlikely that he thinks you are not attractive.

This has nothing to do with your body or how you look or how attracted he is to you.
Firstly, read some of the threads on this forum - there is no shortage of men with similar difficulties.
But more importantly, most of what you've written is about your own self esteem. I'd suggest talking to a counsellor about you. I don't mean to suggest you're broken, because you're not and that's exactly the thing you have to accept.
Your DP likes you for a reason. Maybe he's right. ❤️

If he's getting it up for you in the first place, he's attracted to you! If you're in a relationship as amazing as you say you are, you should be able to talk to him openly and honestly about it. The fact that you're not talking about it could well mean he is SO in his own head about it... imagine how deflating and embarrassing it is for him knowing his penis isn't working in the one moment he really needs it to. That pressure is ALOT, he doesn't want to let you down, and as soon as men worry they're gonna lose it...most of the time they do! You should sit him down and just ask him how he feels, if it's his weight why don't you work together to both eat healthier and work out? You might think he's attractive but he might not feel it (the same as you don't feel attractive but he thinks you are). If he's having sex with you feeling like he looks like a fat whale on top of you, that's an erection killer! I'd bet all my savings on the fact it's nothing to do with you but a psychological issue. Could you maybe suggest using some medication to help? It can be bought safely and discreetly online and there's no shame in using it. It might just need to be used until he gets out of his own head. My partner has had periods of sex insecurities and used them until he feels better. X

I wouldnt worry about how you look, he obviously finds you attractive as can be hard in other ways.
In my opinion its psychological on his part, I've never suffered like this but have in the past from finishing too quick and also from not being able to finish at all.
Once it happens the first time the next time it happens its sat there in your mind that you don't want to disappoint again and sure enough it happens.
Have you tried any toys like a cock ring which should help him maintain an erection (will probably make him last a while longer aswell)
Don't put pressure on this to suddenly fix it the first time though it will take work and effort, perhaps when he is very close to finishing you put him inside you to finish, this might help

Thank you so much for everyone’s reply.

we have spoken about it openly a lot but it always ends up in, not a fight but us both feeling unhappy and deflated.

We don’t want to upset each other. He’s very excited at the idea of trying for a baby more so than myself haha. It’s something he’s wanted for a long time.

I guess because it feels so personal to me and he has managed to sleep with other women before me without any problems. I don’t know. The advice has been great, again thank you everyone.

I suppose the elephant in the room is that it's going to be quite difficult trying for a baby under those circumstances? Maybe he's already feeling the pressure and feeling worried about it - performance anxiety can be very real for a lot of men. I can definitely understand why you would find it personal, I think I'd feel the same, although as others have said it really doesn't sound as if he isn't attracted to you. When he says it's his weight, do you think he means because he's insecure about himself and that is making things more difficult, or that it's somehow a physical issue? Getting to the root of what the "problem" is in his eyes may help to unravel it a bit.

this is entirely normal

This is entirely cope.

It certainly sounds like sexual performance anxiety, which will probably be in head rather than a an actual physical issue, unfortunately Performance anxiety is self fulfilling prophecy, if he thinks he lose his erection then he will no matter how he feels about you.
as a PP suggests try some viagra or calis as this gives some extra “support “ and reduce the anxiety about losing the erection, you may well find that after having sex successful a few times he will be fine again

https://onlinedoctor.lloydspharmacy.com/uk/mens-health-advice/preventing-sexual-performance-anxiety

Devils advocate: you are making a huge unjustified assumption that it is your supposed (I don't believe this) lack of attractiveness is the thing causing him to lose his erection.

How do you know that it's not performance anxiety and that he's actually just really intimidated by you and worried that he can't possibly meet your sexual expectations?

You just need to talk to him, current situation is unhelpfully fuelling your anxieties and could all just be a huge misunderstanding anyway.