a guy perspective

[Davy009]

Hi all,
I've read a few posts on here, about ladies who for whatever reason aren't sexually fulfilled in their relationships, and seems a funny thing, that mostly the reaction is sympathetic. Often it feels the opposite for a guy. As a married man, who loves his wife dearly, but has a much higher sex drive, it can be difficult, i have never cheated, and she knows I have a much higher libido. Not sure if it's the same for a lady, but for me there is both the "biological" need for sex, and also the emotional enjoyment, so it can be hard sometimes, lying in bed feeling very aroused but she isn't interested sometimes. I guess we are lucky to be open about it and it doesnt cause any resentment, also when we have sex it is still great.

Interested in other peoples views, sometimes it feels like if it is the lady who is unfulfilled and goes elsewhere its "good for her", but a guy is a cheating sod. Maybe that's just a bit of a hangover from the "carry on" generation with the stereo typical dirty old men, and randy women :-).

Don’t know why you have that impression. All my friends and most threads on here I see, say cheating is wrong, regardless of whether you’re a man or woman. Some people use all kinds of things to justify getting sex elsewhere without their partner knowing.

You may get a skewed view on this board though, as there’s been threads where people were openly looking to hook up with others whilst admitting they were married, (many posters here thought that was ok and it was only deleted after many more posters raised it as a problem) and there is another thread about a site promoting extra marital affairs with posters saying it helped their marriage, even though many didn’t tell their partners. It’s fine if their partner was fully aware, that’s between them, but not fine if they’re not aware IMO, for men of women. No one should be made to live a lie by a partner cheating on them.

I hope you've changed your name for this thread amd have your Red Adair costume handy. 🤣
In some ways, the pendulum of sexual politics has swung a little in women's favour in the last decade and at long last wonen are not being as widely condemned for bring sex positive. But the battle of the sexes is fought on many fronts and in the wake of the Me Too movement etc, it's inevitable that the spotlight is being shone on men's behavior. None of this is inherantly bad, but while there is a battle of the sexes, rather than a collaborative renegotiation of the sexes, there are going to be collateral casualties. Your wife is no longer socially expected to lie back and think of England, so your sex life is currently one of the casualties and, for the moment, the best thing you can do is take one for the team.

Could be a hangover from the patriarchal generation(s) where sex pest men's needs trump a 'not interested sometimes' women's, who struggle to get her needs met sexually, even by an active partner.

I'd like to take a different tack.

As I see it attraction, especially in mature adults, is IMO subtle, complex and can be fraught with all of life's complications, family, career, elderly relative responsibilities, health, all sorts.

Esther Perel and David Schnarch have given me the best help, coming to self development later in life they've enabled me to understand differentiation and it's power to separate yet bind in committed relationships.

Every couple have differing libidos and that changes at any given moment, in a previous relationship you might like sex twice a week and the partner you were with liked it once a month then your next partner wants it three times a day and you are still at twice a week...so for me it's oiling the wheels to meeting in the middle and making what you do have as good as it can be at a given time.

What am I trying to say that might help? Sort you out, look up differentiation and see where it takes you, good luck and report back.

Sorry I really hope this doesn't sound judgey or patronising I've learned so much in the last couple of years and it's made my DW and my relationship so much richer, stronger and sexier (I have the higher libido in our camp btw).

In your situation, you are in love with your DW. You can replace the physical presence (to an extent) of having sex with her by masturbating with your hand or using a sex toy- you have met the physical need.

However, in a loving relationship sex is, as you say, about the emotional enjoyment. It’s the feeling of alchemy when you’re building towards orgasm, giving each other everything you have. I don’t think an affair would replicate that for you. Is it possible for you to accept that the emotional connection will have to happen less frequently, can you recreate that connection in other, non sexual ways?

I truly despise those stereotypes! I don’t think an affair is ever the answer. It strips away respect, dignity, terribly unfair just because someone has a lower libido.Opening up a relationship to allow FWB could be a good compromise though! As that requires consent from both parties.

Some interesting views, I wasn't suggesting I was considering going elsewhere, and appreciate the views others have, I agree, having an affair is not good - it's not something I could ever consider - and also, I wouldn't be happy if I thought she was "lying back and thinking of england". The FWB idea wouldn't work for us, I don't think.

Perhaps the different views come from the macho brigade who think that if a guy can't deliver the good's then he's not a full man and deserves to be cheated on. Also it's not an uncommon fantasy for a man to think about his wife being rodgered by another guy.

If the roles were reversed in Lady Chatterley's lover - would it have the same reception. I think the stereo type still exists to some degree even in today's more "equal" society.

It's a complex thing really 100% agree it's a good thing that women can be more sex positive.

MyBelladonna - not being disrespectful at all, but made me laugh that you mentioned I can replace the physical need by masturbating, I don't think there are any guys who need to be offered that as an option. Fortunately she is 100% okay with me doing that, and often suggests it (in an open and sometimes jovial way), I guess I'm lucky that we can be open about it, and I wouldn't ever want her to feel pressured or upset by it.

One of our friends once joked - why is it when it's his birthday he thinks sex is on the cards, and when it's mine - he thinks sex is on the cards :-).

@Davy009 🤪 sorry!! I was trying to be empathetic!

I have a high libido (woman), my DH is somewhere in the middle. Lately (the past year or so) he’s been treating me not so great, can be cruel, manipulative etc. And it’s made our sex life lack. I rarely look at him and think “I want to fuck you right now” like I did a year ago. Why would I want to give myself that way to someone that’s treating like this? He knows I’m not too interested in sex right now but the cycle continues.

My libido is still there.. just not so much for him right now. I’m not saying this is your wife, however, I know many women who have this complexity in their relationship right now and it’s hard!

@MyBelladonna , I did pick that up, appreciate it, sometimes it can be a bit complex, appreciate the sentiment

@Choochoo22 , I don't think it's the case, it's more a case of hormones, menopause etc, sorry to hear about your situation, ours isn't like that. Funny how sex can become such a big deal.