I think I’m terrible at sex!

[ThisIsMySexName]

Ok, slightly extreme thread title😅
After a period of being single I am seeing a new man. Last week we had sex for the first time and I think we both had a great time! By this I mean, it was really hot, we had a good sexual connection, we were both satisfied etc.

I know this must sound bizarre but despite all this I often fear I am terrible in bed! I don’t know why as I’ve had many great sexual experiences which appear satisfying to both partners. I also (maybe surprisingly as I’m a middle aged mum😃) have no body imagine issues/hang ups whatsoever, I’m perfectly comfortable being naked.

It’s more that I worry that I don’t know what the other person really wants or enjoys. Like, I’m engaging in these sex acts and I enjoy them but I can’t judge whether they are also good for the other person. Sometimes (not often!!) I ask partners whether it feels good or what they want but I often don’t get a coherent reply😂 They seem to be enjoying themselves but I’m often left feeling like I didn’t do it right/was too noisy/too whatever.

Is this normal? Do other people worry about whether they are a terrible shag and how can I liberate myself from these worries?

Do you talk about sex when you are not having it? That's probably the best way to discuss likes and dislikes. Having a communicative partner is ideal , goes both ways.

Ask him what he likes. By being open with each other you’re more likely to get good sex. You can reinvent yourself sexually with a new partner too. Guy I was seeing recently thought I was some kind of sex goddess! mean I think a lot of it was driven by him and I just enjoyed it and participated. I certainly didn’t do those things with ex boyfriends. I enjoyed being more liberated. Now I think I’ll always be a sex goddess, as I definitely got some good sex

I don't think anyone is really just straight up bad at sex, it's usually down to bad sexual chemistry. Lack of experience or confidence can be a contributor to bad sex, but again, when you're with someone who's on your sexual wavelength, that can be worked on. I've had shit sex with men in the past, but no doubt some other woman thought they were amazing, and vice versa. Just be true to yourself, don't fake noises and don't make yourself do things you don't want to. Let your partner see your authentic reactions to pleasure, as that is a million times more of a turn on than an over the top fake reaction.

Open up conversations about sex with your new man. Ask him what he likes; tell him what you like. Ask for feedback when playing hide the sausage, and be ready to give it in return.

Importantly, make sure these chats don't take place in the bedroom. That puts pressure on people. Talk about sex anywhere except when in bed.

Best wishes.

Thanks for the advice, I’ll try talking about it outside of the bedroom🙂

I definitely want to echo the advice from pps about communication outside the bedroom, finding out what each other particularly enjoys, as well as the kind of things you're not that bothered by. Communication is two way and he's also got to know it's good for you too!

And also "follow up" non-bedtime chats which might go along the lines of "I really loved it when you...etc." If this is done in a teasing, fun way you'll get communication, affirmation and exciting anticipation about the next time all rolled up in one!

@Iloveabaconbutty I am a big fan of the ‘follow up chat’, they make both parties feel great!

I honestly think there are some people who are bad at sex - men who just hammer away and women who lie back and do nothing. Buy even them, I guess, that must work for some people.
I've been told I'm good in bed by more than one partner, but you never really know if they're just saying that and it doesn't stop me wondering whether I'm being good enough. And maybe that's no bad thing - I'm a people pleaser, and I'll always want to please my partner first. As long as that's reciprocated, everything is good.

I think women of our generation were trained into thinking sex is a skillset by media like More magazine, Cosmo, SATC and Bad Girls Bible. Anyone remember 'position of the fortnight'?

Mainstreaming of kink culture has exacerbated this tendency as kink centres on 'scenes' rather than an organic relationship between two people.

It's impossible to have grown up in this sexual milieu and not be deeply affected by these attitudes. That's my guess as to why you're second-guessing yourself and feeling alienated from your own experience.

What makes someone crap in bed - I'd say that 90% of the time people would say someone that is selfish. It doesn't sound like you are at all selfish in bed so if sex didn't work then it would probably be due to a lack of chemistry or wanting very different things rather than you being crap in bed.

Also ask yourself, do you think the men you shagged spend time worrying and wondering if they were good enough in bed? Do you think they constantly second guess themselves, wonder if you were just pretending to like what they're doing and just generally worry that they might not be doing it right? I'd go with probably not - so give yourself a break!