Weird sex life. Opinions please.

[whattheef]

Nc for this for obvious reasons.

Dh and I have 12 years between us. I am 38, he's 50. When we first met there was a bit of a strange power dynamic (he was my boss!) and for a while I found the idea of sex with him really intimidating. Anyway we've now been married 5 years and have a baby. Obviously all the initial nerves passed and we love each other very much.

However are sex life still doesn't feel natural. It never has. Dh has some issues. He takes viagra for ED so sex has to be pre planned. We seem to do the same thing each time and the worst bit is he can't seem to finish through PIV and once I'm 'done' I have to use my hand to finish him. It always makes me feel quite deflated like there's something wrong with my parts or technique! Also really ruins the mood of it, for me at least. I've read a lot about death grip on here and wondered if it was to do with that or maybe the viagra makes it harder to finish from PIV? I don't know.

It's getting to the point where I'm not that bothered about sex anymore. I enjoy it at the time but knowing it's just going to be the same thing and that it ends in such a demeaning way for me kind of makes me want to put it off.

I have tried speaking to dh who assures me that he enjoys it and all is good for him but he never wants to talk too much about the viagra side of things, I guess because he feels embarrassed. If there are any other ladies whose husbands use viagra have you noticed difficulty finishing? Or even if there are any men reading I would like to hear experiences.

I wouldn't worry about "death grip", it is a purely MN invention.

There can be a loss of sensitivity, which obviously affects ability to climax.

If you both have an orgasm that's a result isn't it?

Keep on keeping on I say..

If I recall there are viagra alternatives that are taken daily rather than when you think you might be onto a promise.

Not a viagra user, but am over 50, and it is noticeable that it takes longer to get to Orgasm, than even 5 years ago, so it might be an age thing rather than a viagra thing,

My own experience (I'm early 60s) has been that since early 50s I take longer to finish and sometimes can't with PIV. I am an occasional viagra user and, while it does wonders for my erection (which is always there but just isn't as hard as it used to be), it makes it more difficult to finish (however we do it).

However, I still love sex, even if I don't finish at all. I love it for the fun, for the physical pleasure, for the intimacy, for the post-sex cuddle - and also because it sorts out my insomnia!

Good luck, OP. Honest, unembarrassed communication is really helpful. Say how you feel and say it kindly and listen to him kindly too. Needless to say, he should do the same

He might like to try Cialis (Tadalafil) instead of Viagra. It's effects last far longer - up to 36 hours compared to 4-6 hourse with Viagra.

Taking the pressure off having to have sex within a certain time frame and doing the same thing each time might just help with the ejaculatory issues. If the issue is down to aging and decreasing sensitivity as pps have suggested it may not help but it's an option that's possibly worth a try?

It could just be age related.
https://www.webmd.com/men/ss/slideshow-ways-your-penis-changes-as-you-age

(sneak preview: one change is sensitivity loss)

Speaking for myself, when I was in my twenties I was so sensitive that sex could feel unpleasant. The best time was in my thirties and early forties when, once I'd got going, I could summon an orgasm as if by magic. Now I'm nearing 50 I've noticed that I struggle more to get one. It's more like scrabbling up a mountain rather than letting go and skiing down one

The other thing I've noticed about myself that seems very relevant to your DH (as Viagra is being mentioned) is that while I can get an erection easily enough, if we're having a prolonged foreplay session I don't keep it, and it can be tricky to get back. I'm tempted to ask whether he's on it in the first place to avoid that problem.

While I do think that 'death grip' is a load of baloney, it is true that worrying that if you won't orgasm can get into your head and become self-fulfilling, and that is much more likely to be a problem in sex, than when having a hand-job, where there is complete control.

What helped us is that DW is quite assiduous about core exercises and she has luna beads. The latter seem to have particularly helped. It means she's very good at 'squeezing' and the beads feel nice. You might want to consider that.

Sorry for double-post. I mean, the luna beads feel nice for DW Very nice, she says. So it's a win-win.

Also, and while I accept this might just not be what you like, having an orgasm that's from outercourse, if that's the right term, can be kind of hot.

Forget the orgasm issue. If you're both enjoying it, you're both enjoying it.
But if you're starting to not enjoy sex, you need to nip that in the bud. Countless stories on MN(sex) about that slippery slope.
He needs to know if you're not getting what you need. Not to berate him, but because pleasure is a virtuous circle.
How well do you both communicate? If you want to talk about sex, will you give up if he doesn't? Will he be open to listening and curious about your needs? Are you comfortable talking explicitly about what you do together?
Any conversation needs to be unpressured and being in a non-sexual environment helps. (Eg whilst driving.)
And remember, whether or not he can orgasm is not a measure of your value.
Good luck. ❤️

May I ask are you using condoms or not?

I think this happens to all men. I know that I went through a phase of being unable to 'come inside' and would finish with my wife using her hands.

I don't think you should see it as a negative. Personally I find it really satisfying to make my wife come a few times and then pull out and have her wank me off and let me shoot over her lingerie.

I am also not sure 'death grip' is a thing, but I think it's more about training your body to be more used to certain things.

I think I only ever wore a condom when I was suddenly about to have intercourse. I was not used to have they felt and they do affect the sensitivity of the penis.

If you are using them, you could try asking your husband to wear one for masturbation so his penis can get used to the feeling. I have tried this a few times over the past few years and it does help.

He may be a frequently masturbating and keeping it from you. I thin k it is common for many men to feel shame and embarrassment about this. Have you ever masturbated together? Do you watch porn together? Are you able to do dirty talk to each other? All these things can add fuel to the fire - and sometimes that is what you need...

Everyone has 'a thing' that really gets them going. Try and discover what that thing is. Sex is different for everyone.

I find things easier when there is teasing and build up beforehand. Anticipation sharpens the appetite. My wife has always dressed up for me in sexy lingerie and that always works for me.

Don't be down and don't give up!

There are studies that suggest that viagra delays time to orgasm and they were considering using it for premature ejaculation at one point.
I would also look at (or tell him to) other drugs for erectile dysfunction. There are other options that can be used and some daily options so you can be spontaneous.
The pill drugs don't affect the emotional or mental side of sex and only the blood flow when the man is sexually aroused. Some anxiety can also add to the delayed orgasm too.

Disclaimer, used to work in pharmaceuticals in erectile dysfunction so know the options pretty well.

If you are bith enjoying yourselves why is it demeaning for you to finish him.off? Also,most women don't orgasm through PIV. Most men know this but we would not be happy if they said it was demeaning to have to provide clitoral stimulation would we?

I think this is a great post, there does seem to be odd dynamic at play on this site sometimes