OH wants me to experiment

[JaneM86]

My partner of 9 years has a real thing for lesbian sex, I know he watches girl on girl porn and I'm ok with that as I watch porn too so it's no big deal to me as long as it's not obsessive and doesn't stop him wanting sex with me, which so far it hasn't.
For years he's been dropping hints about wanting to see me with another girl but I always thought it was just a fantasy to help him get aroused. Now he's made it clear that it's something he really wants, says he can't stop thinking about it. He asked for it as a Xmas present and didn't get it, now he's asking for it again for his birthday next month.
I told him I have a real problem with the thought of him watching me with a girl because I'm such a jealous person I'd worry he's getting more turned on by her than me.
He then said he'd be happy enough if I just did it and told him about it. He said it's not quite the same thing but he'd still get off on the idea and what I tell him.
I still don't know if he's 100% serious, he says he is but I don't think he realises the full implications of what he's proposing. I think to him it's all a game and a fantasy fuelled by the porn he watches which I've seen and it's so unrealistic, I watch lesbian porn too but genuine amateur stuff which is much less glitzy and glamorous but so much sexier in my eyes, real women making love which is what I'd want if I was ever going to try it.
The truth is I've been bi curious all my life and I'd love to try it with another girl but I have several reservations, namely A) That I'd get hooked on it and not want straight sex anymore and B) That the reality would be hugely disappointing to my OH as it wouldn't be anything like what he imagines. The way I see it, if I did it there would be no point in then telling him about it and making it sound like the sort of stuff he masturbates to, because I know for a fact it wouldn't play out in the same way and I'm not good at making stuff up.
Anyone else been in this situation?

Kick this sex pest to the curb and go find yourself a girlfriend.

NC for this.

I've been in this situation. Both DP (male) and I wanted this - like you I've been bi-curious my whole life and I was really turned on by the thought of being with a woman (as much as my partner was). We discussed it fully and agreed that I would meet her in a hotel, and (with her full consent) take pictures and videos to share with DP afterwards. We still have these videos and pictures and we look at them together sometimes as a reminder 😉

To address some of your worries: it definitely did not make me completely lesbian and not want DP anymore. I thoroughly enjoyed being with the woman I was with, it was really exciting and I have very fond memories, but I am most definitely bisexual and not lesbian, and my preference for a relationship is always with a male (albeit I enjoy sex with women with DP's consent). It also didn't create any issues in our relationship, and DP finds the videos extremely erotic and uses them more than porn - he says they are his "go to".

So yeah, really positive experience all round here. I'm still in touch with the woman in question and we do talk about a rendezvous. Hopefully we can make that happen at some point!

Good luck OP.

Man here. It's never been a thing for me, don't know why. I think some of my previous partners have enjoyed it and I was happy to do it. Same with 69's, would rather concentrate on each other separately. Each to their own. Just do what you enjoy and what your partner wants/enjoys.

I think you need to decide if it is something he really wants and is nagging for, or if it’s something you want to do just now. Is your curiosity there in this relationship? Or might it be if you were single instead?

Does this mean opening things more generally? Or just a one off?

Your questions though.
A. I identify as straight, it wouldn’t cross my mind to identify as bi. But I used to regularly have sex with my female friend in my mid 20s.
It was maybe like a FWB type situation..something we did after a night out sometimes if we felt like it. It didn’t make me hooked.
Maybe I just see people as people. I definitely prefer men though.
We are still friends now.

B. I don’t know what he’s expecting, but surely it’s just sex? Just most of the the things you might do with a man? Only you might be doing some of them!

If you go ahead and do it, it has to be because you want it yourself, not because he wants it. You aren't something to just be used for his sexual gratification. I think it's two very different things to be bicurious and another thing to be into women enough to have sex with one, go down on one. I'd give it more thought, but take your partner out of the equation.

Well as I said it's definitely something I'd like to try, though my partner doesn't know just how much because I'm worried if I tell him he'll just push even more, but I'm still not sure that it's the right thing to do. So I keep saying forget it, it's never gonna happen just to shut him up and buy myself time until I can decide if it's something I really want.
The options are there, more than one in fact. I've had a very clear offer from someone, as well as some comments from another person leading me to believe they'd be interested. I feel like I'm the only person putting obstacles in my own way and I don't know if I'm just being stupid and should just go ahead and do it, or if I'm right to be cautious.

Wishona what I mean by point B is that from conversations I've had with my OH and spying on the porn he watches (he doesn't cover his tracks very well) I get the impression that his fantasy of girl on girl action is not in line with mine and not an attractive proposition as far as I'm concerned: wearing strapons and using huge dildos on each other isn't what I envisage or desire. If I want penetration I'll get it from a man. I don't like toys in general even when I masturbate. Maybe that's what he's missing, he wants to see my bits stretched and assaulted by a variety of rubber implements, and I don't find that sexy. He's talked many times about buying me toys and I've always told him I don't want any.

And neither am I interested in a woman doing it to me. When I imagine myself with another woman I mostly visualise the exploration of each other's bodies, a game of tongues and fingers, a search for new and exciting scents and flavours. But whether that's something that would turn him on, I'm not so sure. I know it's a cliche that men tend to be more mechanical in their approach to sex, but it certainly seems to apply to my bf. Though I'm generally happy with the sex we have, I do feel there's an element missing for me which I hope another woman might help me explore, since he's clearly not into that. I've tried to integrate that into our sex but he just doesn't respond to that.

Your OH sounds bit too pushy about his fantasy here - wanting to witness you experiencing another woman for his Xmas/birthday present - sounds a bit too entitled. Also sounds bit of a shame you are holding back on sharing your own fantasies/desires on this for fear of him pestering you more.

Maybe worth him cutting down on the porn a bit as it sounds like he's getting bit obsessed with it. If you really are keen on exploring with another woman maybe it's best to do this 1 on 1 without him there, then reporting back (which would still be v hot for him I would imagine), and exploring this part of your sexuality on your own terms.

You share the same fantasy so should be both onto a winner but his attitude sounds wrong.

I think there’s a lot to unpick here, and it’s raised a lot of questions in my mind. I don’t think you are putting obstacles in your own way. I think you are trying to uphold your boundaries.

Have you thought about why he keeps suggesting buying you toys when you’re not interested? Does that seem a kind thing to do?

How intertwined are your lives, taking sex off the table what’s it like currently?

Your sex life isn’t about what turns him on…do you get the kind of sex you want with him?
‘Mechanical’ is an interesting word choice. Ive had sex with someone like this. Do you feel recognised as a person, do you feel connected? Is this the missing element?
The type of sex you envisage with a female, you could also have with a male. I wonder if part of your own desire to explore is looking for this.
In my mind it’s just normal, lovely sex and maybe you need to be having it with someone else, male or female.

I think @Anotherlurkingmale has hit the nail on the head! This should be a winner but your partner is actually doing himself no favours! I do hope you can get him to ease off, and give you space to live out your fantasy, your way.

Yeah I do think that the porn he watches is a big issue. I didn't want to sound as if I was judging because as I said I watch porn too on a regular basis, I don't think porn is necessarily dangerous or wrong in itself but I fear my OH can't distinguish between fantasy and reality in the stuff he watches.
For example we had a conversation about the orgasms I experience. Both when we have sex and when I masturbate I don't tend to be particularly vocal or show any obvious signs, I internalise the climax. It doesn't mean the orgasm doesn't feel good, it just doesn't result in me shaking all over the place, screaming my head off, squirting and generally acting as if I's losing my mind, which is what most of the women in his favourite videos seem to do. I know he'd probably like me to do that, but I'm not about to start acting out my pleasure in a way what doesn't feel natural.
I told him all this, told him even if he can't tell it's happening, it still happens pretty much every time we have sex (fortunately) and it feels great. It definitely happens when I masturbate, usually three of four times in a row. I've done it in front of him and let him know each time I'd cum, told him how good it felt, but I could tell he was looking for some other, more obvious display of pleasure that just doesn't come natural to me.
He seems to think that if I tried this or that toy that he's painstakingly researched, I'd be able to experience another level of pleasure that I'm clearly (in his mind) missing out on. It's not like he's been very pushy in that sense, he's just mentioned it a few times and each time I say the same thing but he doesn't seem to accept that I'm ok with the way I pleasure myself.
Unless he's right and I should let him buy me some toys? Maybe I've been missing out on some mind blowing orgasms because I've been too stubborn? I can be like that sometimes, the more someone tells me to do something, the less I want to do it!
I'm aware I made my OH sound like a sex pest, someone even commented that. He's really not, I'd say out of the two of us I'm the one with the stronger libido and the one who initiates sex more often. I'm happy with the sex we have, but I do find myself fantasising about different feelings and sensations that in my mind are more associated with the female body. So I'd like to see if I can experience those things with another woman, I just hope my OH isn't expecting that it will change my whole sexual behaviour and turn me into one of those screaming, squirting porn stars he likes to watch, cause I don't think that's likely.

I think there’s a middle ground here. Porn stars are actors, I have only had sex with one guy so my data is only based on the 2 of us, but we have never orgasmed like the films.
I have multiple orgasms, I have squirted but I don’t feel the need to put on a performance. If it isn’t your authentic reaction, why bother?!

Re: toys. My advice would be give them a whirl! If you don’t like it then you don’t need to use it again. But it would be a shame to miss out on wonderful sensations because of stubbornness!

Most porn is fake and gives unrealistic expectations of sex. However, I do get him liking the idea of you being more vocal and squirting, as that can be a massive turn on. If that's not you though, then I don't think it's something you need to fake. I think some men will have ideas of what 2 women together will be like and compare it to something from porn, but my own experience of being with a woman is that it was gentle, intimate, loving and orgasmic. If sex toys are something you want to explore, then you should. Some of them are amazing.

Any particular toys you'd recommend? He's shown me some stuff but I find them all so horrible to look at. I know it's the effect they produce that counts, not the look but I can't see myself grabbing a plastic monstrosity and putting it anywhere near my bits, it would turn me right off. I've never even gone for the whole sticking foreign objects up your fanny thing, I know lots of women insert all sorts up there but for me if it's not flesh it doesn't feel right. Maybe I'm the freak here!

If you're that against using them, then maybe it's for the best you don't as there's no rule you must own one. My own personal preferences are wands and rabbits. If you want one that you don't have to insert, then a wand or a suction toy such as Womanizer or Satisfyer pro 2 might be ideal. I once thought that sex toys weren't for me and I didn't need one, but since I got one about ten years ago, they have only been an enhancement and provided me more intense orgasms than I could do with just myself. I only use them alone for masturbation though, not with my husband.

That sounds a bit better.
Most people are stubborn. I spend my working life giving advice and you have to give it very carefully 😂

So you would like to have sex with a woman for yourself, because you are curious and would like to try it. But you’ve not stated this explicitly, because you think you might be pressured? Or because you think the experience won’t measure up to his pre conceived ideas? Or because you’re not entirely sure you want to?

He wants you to have sex with a woman as a gift to him?

I think if you really want to, and there is someone waiting, then I absolutely would do it. In your shoes I would. There needs to be a few conversations first though. Will he be happy for you to proceed when he realises it’s not all about him and his fantasies?

Toys…glass ones are prettier. Just have a look some time.

Thanks for the toy advice! Maybe I should give one of those a go... I remember my OH mentioning the womaniser and the wand so maybe he did do his research well and I'm being unreasonable to not even try. If I don't like it I don't have to keep using it.

@Wishona We had loads of conversations already and I know for certain what he's ready and willing, in fact desperate for this to go from fantasy to reality. If I go ahead and do it, I'd like it to be a surprise because that's what he told me he wants. He specifically said If you ever decide to do it, surprise me with it.

What wasn't very clear was whether he wanted to be surprised before, during of after if you see what I mean. For example, I can imagine texting him on the night of his birthday and saying Going to be late tonight, I'm here with G. for your birthday present. Not too late to change your mind...

Alternatively I could text him during and with G.'s permission send a naughty pic of the two of us, just saying Happy Birthday.

Last option would be to do it before his birthday, not tell him anything and then surprise him on the day with some photos showing I'd done it followed by a verbal account of the experience.

I'm not sure which he would prefer. The first one appeals to me because it would give him a chance to think about it and say no, if he realises he can't handle it (which I very much doubt tbh). It would also mean he can spend the next couple of hours imagining what's going on, maybe receiving a few more pics to help him along.

Thoughts?

I think it’s okay to centre it on what you want too. If a final get out option feels better to you, then go with this. It could still be a day, week or month away- so still a surprise.

I think the other options rely on G being willing to be photographed etc which I’m guessing you know she is? But also you might actually find your mind is elsewhere and forget. So I’d not go for 2 or 3 on this basis.

Well one way of thinking about it is 'you only live once' so why the hell not?

It's evident that the issue here isn't you having sex with another woman, it's the type of sex you want to have with her versus DH's fantasy. Two very different things.

I think you need to work out what you want and explore that first before considering if DH gets involved.

You need to bear in mind what happens after you've done this and told DH. I'd bet my life he'll want you to do it again with him more actively involved. How will you deal with that? If he's pushy now, he'll be much worse once he knows you've slept with a woman. What happens if you don't want to repeat the experience? Or you have an amazing time but want to keep it for yourself alone?