I miss the sex

[Missthesex]

I know I shouldn’t keep thinking about it but I do. With my ex we had an amazing sex life, he’d wake me up by kissing me and he would play with me and tease me for ages making me cum multiple times before we had sex. It’s very different with my DH, he doesn’t want sex often and he wouldn't think to wake me up this way, even though I’ve mentioned it before.
It has lacked passion for a long time and I’m not even sure if I’m sexually attracted to him anymore, I don’t know what to do. I often fantasise about the sex I had with my ex and long for that so much. To add, I have no plans on acting on my thoughts.

Tricky one. But he must be your now ex for a reason? You need to focus on the positive qualities of your now DH and forget the ex?

All men have different qualities don't they? Some are superb in the bedroom department, whilst others can't change a lightbulb!

Maybe have a good chat with your DH. Tell him what you want and need. Make a few suggestions ( films/ books/ stories etc) and see where things get to?

If you are not sexually attracted to him, that's a different ball game. Are you in love?

You're right I need to forget him, it’s not healthy. We split up because he used to travel a lot for work including overseas and it made a relationship difficult but when we were together there was so much passion, it’s not something I experienced before him. I do need to talk to my DH again, I have spoken to him about making things more fulfilling but he just isn’t that kind of person and I almost feel he finds talking about sex awkward. Do I love him? I really don’t know! I think I feel more fond of him than anything else.

Ah okay, the passion is lacking.
Give it your best shot with DH anyway. How long have you been together?

It's all swings and roundabouts with men and sex I think. I had a relationship with a man who was so good with PIV, but couldn't perform foreplay to save his life. With others, it's been the opposite way round!

If you feel you the sexual chemistry isn't there, perhaps it's time to reevaluate the relationship?

I think I do need to re-evaluate, it is harder due to having children together and it seems an awful lot to give up due to an unsatisfactory sex life but I also know this can’t continue long term.

It doesn’t sound like you’re in love with him by saying you’re fond of him. It’s hard when you have a genuinely passionate relationship. The guy I’ve been seeing recently (not fully over but pretty much sadly) has been the best sex I’ve ever had. I am already thinking this is going to be hard to match and I’ve only had 2 men in my life I’ve been that attracted to, and so I know it’s hard to find. I haven’t even moved on to someone else yet and I’m worrying about it. You can speak to him but it sounds like that’s just who he is, maybe he’s just fond of you too and it’s time to consider splitting up?

It is really hard knowing that I may never get to experience that sort of sex again, I know sex isn’t everything in a marriage but it feels bleak if we carry on this way. I don’t even know where to start to get the whole sex thing back on track again. I have thought about separating recently but even that feels quite painful thinking about.

I feel for you @Missthesex as one of the reasons I think DH and I are so happily married is the sex that helps glue us together. It’s also a massive stress release and a lot of fun. I still have to beat him off with a stick and we are in our early 50s so I can imagine how demoralizing it would be to have an unenthusiastic husband.

You haven't said how long you have been married or how long it is since you split up with your ex.
Are you missing the sex or are you missing the person?
What is the rest of your marriage like? And if there are other difficulties, what have you done to resolve those?

I agree with @FeodoraVictoria in that sex can be both glue and a shock absorber, but that only works to a point. You can't glue things together if they're not in close contact.