Considering a D/s dynamic - help and tips

[SugarCame]

I have been slowly considering a D/s dynamic (me being s) however in my head it the softest stuff.

When I am with a man who knows how to lead / take charge + makes me feel safe, admired, desired it is a huge turn on.

I have just met a new man and we were very open and honest about sex experiences, what we like and what we would like to try. He knows that in the BDSM realm I am a virgin. He has experience. Ideally he is looking for a D/s dynamic but said he can also be happy with vanilla...but I guess when we start sleeping together vanilla he will try to open me up to explore more. I'm not completely averse to exploring per se, but I want to take it slow, be 100% comfortable.

I already told him the because of his D/s desire, chances are I will probably take even longer than I normally do to sleep with him, to which he said something along the lines "it is a common misconception and the dynamic would never happen early in the relationship anyway, especially if one is inexperienced"

So...
What are the red flags I should look for while discussing it?
What questions should I be asking?
Anything else?

There is a huge difference between someone that takes charge and being a dominant.

Be very careful about what you are talking about. Do you just want someone that tells you what to do and is a little more forceful in the bedroom, or are you looking for things like being his (forgive me ) "slut", bondage, impact play, punishments etc?

If the latter, and you are starting with someone that has experience (and again, beware, there are a LOT of "wannabes" around), then you and your Dom should have a long chat about things like his previous experience and subs, what he did, how he did it, where, when etc, than another long chat about consent, safewords & boundaries (He should definitely know what RACK stands for!). D/S relationships do NOT automatically include sex, so again, this needs to be discussed with your new man.

Consider a written agreement that you would both sign. (He really should have already brought this sort of thing up...)

You need to be absolutely sure that he will stop when you tell him to...

I do have some experience in the area, please ask if you feel I can help.

Read "The New Bottoming Book" first.

@AverageGuy

Do you just want someone that tells you what to do and is a little more forceful in the bedroom, or are you looking for things like being his (forgive me ) "slut", bondage, impact play, punishments etc?

I feel aroused by the leadership but not even forceful in the bedroom, I want someone who is bigger and stronger and I don't mind them telling me what to do if it aligns with my best interests and is part of the play. A little bum slap is okay but I don't think I will ever been into degradation, choking, name calling, punishment and bondage.

He has previous experience but not professional level, not decades for example. He mentioned consent, safe words & boundaries but the conversation didn't go much deeper because we were also talking about a lot of other topics. And maybe here is a 1st red flag - we had only one date so far and that is when he brought it up - I actually think it was good that he was upfront and said it sooner rather than later, but maybe bringing this up on a first date is not a good move? I didn't bother me.

Curious to what a written agreement could help with? Me taking him to court in case he does not uphold what is agreed? Or just so we have it in there in black and white and no room for misunderstands?

We will meet again soon and I'm sure the conversation will continue. I personally want to take my time and I already told him that even deciding to have vanilla sex with him will be tricky for me now, knowing what he desires which is a shame.

If I feel pressured at any point I will cut him off.

@Wakemeup17 thank you for the suggestion, I will have a look.

@SugarCame It's good that you know what you want, and it's very good that he's talked about consent etc. That's vital.

It's not something I bring up on a first date, unless we've met via the sites that cater for BDSM, in fact, I may not bring it up at all, if I don't think it's appropriate.

The written agreement is really just so you both understand and agree the whole dynamic. I would say that given where you are now, it's probably not necessary, but might be in the future.

"If I feel pressured at any point I will cut him off." Perfect!

@AverageGuy thanks

I met him on a forum where sex and relationship are the main topic but not exclusive go BDSM.

I think he had good D/s relationship in the past and wants to keep exploring hence bringing up. We will see.

One thing that bothers me is that in my view - and I could be wrong, tell me please - D/s requires some kind of commitment? I’m not looking for strong strings attached so if I have to be more than casual it might not be for me.

@SugarCame it depends. I'd say its like normal dating - you can be as casual or committed as you want to be.

Some people get together for a couple of hours, some are together for life. It's up to the people involved.

The question is what do YOU want from it - don't ever forget that you are the final arbiter - your body, your rules.

Great advice, as always, from @AverageGuy

There are lots of wannabe Doms out there who think they are Christian Grey. 🤮 I can usually weed them out from the questions they ask me.

A good Dom will primarily ask questions about how you want to feel, rather than what you want to do.

There should be discussions about hard and soft limits. You'll find various BDSM checklists and spreadsheets online.

Consent - Risk Aware Consensual Kink (RACK) or Safe Sane and Consensual (SSC) - especially if you engage in edge play (anything potentially dangerous).

Safewords - many people use traffic lights - Green for "keep going", Amber for "Can you slow down or check in with me?", Red for "Stop immediately". A good Dom will check in with you throughout a scene and make you feel confident that you can speak up. He'll also look for non-verbal cues in your body language.

Aftercare - do you want cuddles, a shower together, food, to be left alone to reclaim your body..? It's sensible to agree that you'll check in a day or two later. Sub drop can hit hard... and Dom drop too. Have a debrief with him... what felt good or not. I often write in a diary after the scene as a way of processing it.

In terms of red flags, I would be wary of any D who insisted that I must do whatever they want because they're the D or anyone who pushed me to do something I wasn't comfortable doing. The opposite is true - the submissive absolutely holds the power. I'd also avoid anyone who couldn't communicate their own needs and wants. Trust your gut instinct.

D/s can be in a committed relationship or a casual one. But it has to be based on trust... and that takes time to build. So, I'd never go all out 10/10 pushing my boundaries with a new guy. I'd rather agree to aim for 7/10 for the first couple of dates and, if it went well, push a bit more next time.

Thank you @PinotPony ! I'm blushing!

Yes he said the submissive holds the power. Can anyone expand please?

Also about drop a couple of days later please.

Also, why safe words rather than just saying stop / keep going etc?

@PinotPony thanks for your input

Sorry to keep asking here, I just don’t want to go down a rabbit hole somewhere else as I have a lot of other stuff to focus on.

As a sub, you are consenting to giving control to your Dom. But, because it is always within negotiated boundaries, and because you can make it stop at any point, you actually hold power in the dynamic.

That's why the negotiation and clear communication is so important. I might tell my partner that I'd like to be tied up with rope. I'm imagining a sensual scene in my warm bedroom with soft lighting and candles, the rope caressing my skin as he holds me close. He's imagining a concrete basement where he wrestles me to the cold floor, binds my limbs tightly, puts a hood over my head and suspends me from the ceiling before opening the door to a few of his mates. Both are rope bondage scenes but with very different feelings!

Drop is hard to explain but it's kind of feeling really flat after an intense experience. A bit like the holiday blues. Or a comedown after a great night out. If you had an amazing scene, you might be thinking about it lots and wanting to do it again asap! You might feel physically tired and emotionally wrung out. Depending on what you did, you might feel guilt or shame.

I get huge drop after heavy impact scenes. I'm physically exhausted and bruised but I also start wondering WTF is wrong with me that I like this stuff! It's emotionally draining giving your body over to someone else...

Dom's can get drop too. Feeling guilty for all the "mean, nasty things" they did to you. Or just very intense emotions at having been in control of your body for that time, the weight of that responsibility.

If you get drop, talk to each other about how you feel. And take time for some self care. I soak in the tub, sleep lots, eat my favourite foods, go for a walk in nature. Just looking after yourself really.

When I am with a man who knows how to lead / take charge + makes me feel safe, admired, desired it is a huge turn on.

What you're describing is a self-confident, masculine man. In other words, the polar opposite of your typical Dom, a contemptible creature who seeks to prop up his flagging ego by hurting and humiliating women.

I too am wildly excited by masculine men. They just exude a sense of confidence, self-possession and understated power which has nothing in common with the theatricals of a Dom. Such a turn on!

The 'drop' you describe is a trauma response. Why not just have sex that doesn't require an intense round of psychological first aid afterwards?

Yes he said the submissive holds the power.

If this was true, then Doms would be the main victims of BDSM killings. But it's always the sub who dies.

Safe words are unambiguous and not open to interpretation, whereas "No" doesn't always mean "No" in a scene.

There can be a lot of role play or acting out a fantasy. I might say "Oh no, don't chase me around the bedroom before throwing me on the bed. That would be terrible!" with a big grin on my face and a wink... One would hope he'd get the message and do exactly that!

At the more extreme end, I might be physically struggling, fighting him off and giving it my best Penelope Pitstop "Hay-ulp!" while he pretends to be the evil Hooded Claw and ties me to the train tracks.

See how it can get confusing?! Far safer to have a clear method of communicating consent in the moment, than trying to guess whether your partner really means what they're saying.

It's worth mentioning non-verbal "safewords" too. If you can't talk or find it hard to vocalise the safewords, you can use agreed hand signals or even holding a ball which you drop when you're getting close to your limits.

The 'drop' you describe is a trauma response. Why not just have sex that doesn't require an intense round of psychological first aid afterwards?

I disagree. I don't feel traumatised at all. I feel the same way I do after an abseil or paragliding. The feeling of doing something really intense and challenging but enjoyable. There's a definite "buzz" to that feeling, which means I can feel a bit flat and despondent when it's over.

I feel the same way I do after an abseil or paragliding. The feeling of doing something really intense and challenging but enjoyable. There's a definite "buzz" to that feeling, which means I can feel a bit flat and despondent when it's over.

Exactly how I feel after I've cut up my skin with razorblades, but presumably you don't advocate that as a lifestyle?

I am a submissive and also a huge roller coaster fan. The thrill, enjoyment and excitement I get from both cross over a great deal. I get a huge amount of pleasure from them and they do me a lot of good.

I have never had as much intimacy or honestly in any other relationship as I have in a sub/Dom relationship. I can understand why people who don't work this way wouldn't understand it but they really can't give helpful advice about it.

I’ve been in a couple of Bdsm style sex relationships. My advice would be take it slow. A bit of hair pulling etc. try it on for size before you sign yourself up for some huge life style change. It can be addictive and once you go there (if you love it) it can be tricky to go vanilla again! Enjoy!