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Original poster

Can a sexless marriage be a happy one … mine is but I am worried about discussing …. Please read.

27 replies

Afraitodiscuss · 05/04/2023 16:43

Have name changed.
Have been married a long time with grown up dc . Am 59 , dh 60 .
we get on really well , we laugh, give each other space to peruse interests, both work pt. We have days out together , same values .

very sadly i was sexually abused as a child and i think it affected my confidence as well as ‘ permission ‘ to be sexual .
when i first met my husband i was quite out their sexually , which is common with people with my experience
he didnt like this as he is private and didn't want me to be flirty with others . I remember feeling shame and i became sexually shy with him.
Over the years i tried to be sexual but quite often i just didnt want to be .
At times he got cross as frustrated and also i think that he didnt try to push me too much as he was sensitive to my experience . It was a very difficult thing to manage over the years. We did have relationship counselling. I was told there that sexual energy is a good healthy thing , but by this time it didn't feel ok and i saw sex as physical not connecting by now.
Added to this my dh looked at porn .. which i understand.. but freaked me out as i felt it was objectifying young women and that was too close in my mind to my exploitation as a child . - using a female for pleasure .
we worked through this and i do get why he did it .

So here you see a complex past . I hate that my relative has affected our marriage . However, at this age i don't know what to do .
my dh no longer tries to have sex and i think it makes him sad . He says he has trained himself not to think about it now .

we get on so well. He says i look pretty.. and he looks good but it feels like the past really taken its toll and we both now wouldn't know how to change it . I want to make his life better.. ( i cd happily not have sex) he seems happy in all other ways. He never discusses sex now .
But he always was a sexual person .
is it time to grieve about all this , give totally up, and just stay as we are?
he loves me and i love him.
i feel i let him down i sometimes wonder if he didnt leave as he didnt want another male to hurt me . We are not doing further counselling.

OP posts:
NoDatingForOldMen · 05/04/2023 18:17

I think if both of you are happy then then you have no problems, other than than the ones you are currently thinking about.

what do you think discussions about sex might achieve other than making you both uncomfortable and unhappy , maybe at 60 he no longer wants sex and you can both happily settle into a another era of your relationship?

Normalmumandwife · 06/04/2023 06:07

In reality though he isn't happy. What he is doing is concealing it so whilst you think you have a happy marriage, maybe that isn't fully true as it probably isn't fulfilling for him, and in reality if you were honest you accept you have some issues.

Honesty is best in my view and ask him to be honest with you...but be prepared you might find it difficult. There isnt an easy answer but sadly (and I hope this does'nt happen), partners in a sexless marriage for who, it wasn't their choice tend to be far more vulnerable to meeting someone else and suddenly being brought to life. Him saying he has trained himself is a euphemism that a part of him is dead and at 60 that is too young to be

Iloveabaconbutty · 07/04/2023 05:41

When you say you are not doing further counselling is that a final, mutual decision?

Clearly this is something you have both struggled with for many years. I truly feel for you. But have you really both decided that it is the end of the road as far as involving good quality professional help is concerned? It sounds to me that although you are living with the situation there is a deep unhappiness for both of you and you may yet have many years together ahead of you in what sounds to me otherwise a very good relationship.

I guess I'm only restating what you already know far better than me. But the fact that you have posted here suggests you are still wanting and hoping to find a solution. That is a huge positive. Please don't give up hope that you will find one.

Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 07/04/2023 21:14

Hi thanks for replies . I feel that he is repressing himself put of care for me . He says he has buried that part of himself .
i guess i feel
counselling.
re councelling.. we paid for this a dew years ago amd
we
no longer can afford £ 60 per session . I also Thonk we biyh feel tired of the challenges this has mean for u s.

OP posts:
Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 07/04/2023 21:59

Sorry i typed that without paying attention ! Apologies for typos +++++!

OP posts:
JMSA · 07/04/2023 22:40

I am so sorry for your experience, but the reality is that you need to let him go. It's the unselfish thing to do Flowers

Normalmumandwife · 08/04/2023 04:13

JMSA · 07/04/2023 22:40

I am so sorry for your experience, but the reality is that you need to let him go. It's the unselfish thing to do Flowers

I agree you should speak and offer this to him. If he refuses then just prepare yourself that down the line he may change his mind.

I did have a friend a few years ago who was similar to you and then she met someone at work that totally fired her sex drive up. Utterly confused her and difficult as still with her husband in a sexless marriage..hence my comment above

Runaround50 · 08/04/2023 10:18

This is a very sad situation and i feel for you both.

I guess if you are both truly happy with your situation, then just carry on as you are?

Do you cuddle, hold hands, kiss? Do you touch each other ( without full sex?)

Is there no further therapy you could both have ? Psychosexual counselling ( I think it is?)

If the love is there, it may be hard to let each each other go.

Really hope you can find a way forward OP 🌷

soloinaduo · 08/04/2023 10:56

You sound a wonderful and caring wife, and your husband a wonderful and caring husband.

But normalmumandwife is right, he is sacrificing part of himself .... effectively for you.

How would you both feel if you gave him the freedom to seek intimacy elsewhere? Given he's conservative (small c) is that something he'd even consider?

Final thought; sexual counselling, via a charity, may help enormously.

Good luck to you both, you sound like a devoted couple. x

Runaround50 · 08/04/2023 11:16

Totally agree with @soloinaduo there must be a way of obtaining counselling, without paying huge sums of cash each time.

Maybe spend some time together googling charities who could offer support. Particularly ones who specialising childhood trauma experiences?

TobyHouseMan · 08/04/2023 12:30

>> we get on really well , we laugh, give each other space to peruse interests, both work pt. We have days out together , same values .

Sounds like you have a better marriage than 90% of the rest of us.

JMSA · 08/04/2023 12:30

Runaround50 · 08/04/2023 11:16

Totally agree with @soloinaduo there must be a way of obtaining counselling, without paying huge sums of cash each time.

Maybe spend some time together googling charities who could offer support. Particularly ones who specialising childhood trauma experiences?

Of course there are ways. But the OP doesn't want to rock the boat. They should just go their separate ways instead of maintaining this ridiculous charade.

Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 12:38

Jmsa
how rude and hurtful to say that my marriage is a charade .

OP posts:
Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 12:42

i wouldnt like him to go to someone else . I wonder if i should just force myself but that would possibility make my view of sex more distorted .
Its not that i dont fancy him thinking about. It .. but when the feeling arises we both feel it and shut down .
he does not like to cuddle me at times as he gets interested in sex .
i feel desperately gulity . Which adds to the shame .

OP posts:
Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 12:45

I think I will talk about looking for charities. My impression is after having two lots of relationship counselling he feels too tired for want of a better word to do it again as nothing changed . He remained shy with me and only had sex if i initiated and tols me that was the only way he would , as he disnt want rejection or to force .

OP posts:
JMSA · 08/04/2023 12:48

I'm really sorry if my words hurt, but I do think you need to wake up and smell the coffee on this.
You don't want to have sex with him.
You don't want him to look at porn (understandable from your point of view, but not necessarily something you should control).
You don't want him being with anyone else.

It IS selfish. I'm sorry. What you're describing is a friendship, and it's up to him if he wants to live the rest of his life like this.
You've said yourself that he is a sexual person and that he has had to shut that part of himself down, and that it makes him sad.
I couldn't do that to someone else. And yet you don't seem to want counselling either.
This relationship is entirely on your terms.
I wish you well.

Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 13:18

Jmsa. He has said he would rather be with me than anyone else and switch off re sex . Ive asked those questions in the past . I am not trying to hold him here .
i can see he struggles but he says he wants to stay .

OP posts:
Runaround50 · 08/04/2023 13:47

If he wants to stay, that's fine i think.
He's a grown man and can make his own decisions.

I don't think your marriage is a charade at all. There are many sexless relationships, for many different reasons. The question to ask is, are both people happy?

He may look at porn when you aw out? I think there could be ways round this, but you would need to be happy to take part too. Handholding might be a start? Do you share a bed? If so, maybe try holding hands in bed.. nothing else though. 🌻

Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 14:04

Wehold hands all the time . We go out dancing every week. We cuddle bit dont sleep together as he has a
snore problem and needs a machine which distrurbs me massively.

OP posts:
Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 14:05

I try to be a good partner in all
the ways i can . I organise suprises , cool well as he likes this .. for eg … i jusy feel
huge guilt .

OP posts:
Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 14:06

What ways round it do you mean ? Thanks

OP posts:
Runaround50 · 08/04/2023 14:08

Ah that's good then, that you go out together etc.

Somehow there has to be a way for you both to combat this issue.

Original poster
Afraitodiscuss · 08/04/2023 14:19

I agree .. /wish but i dont know
how to .

OP posts:
Runaround50 · 08/04/2023 14:29

I'm not sure how you would tackle this as your issues are deeply embedded in your past.

Somehow you would need to separate what happened to you as a child, with what you have now, which is a man who loves and respects you. You would need to tell yourself that the person who abused you, was in the wrong and that he was the problem, not you. That his actions were not normal and you were going to live your life with the man you love. Sex with your husband would be totally different to how this relative treated you in the past. They are not comparable.

watermelonsugar3 · 09/04/2023 11:27

I mean, I can see why he feels hard done to. You were able to have children together, but from middle age you want to coast along without sex.

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