Sex - new partner has lost sex drive

[Newbie1987loz]

I know you won't have the answers, but I just feel like I need to vent and maybe hear others' views or experiences! I met my boyfriend almost a year ago and we get on so well. I felt very early on that we were a good match. Sex isn't as adventurous as it has been with my exes, but I'd made peace with that and just gave him some nudges on what I like and what is/isn't working for me. I'm not sure whether that has knocked his confidence. We haven't had sex for 5 months now and I get absolutely zero feeling that he wants it but is too shy to try it on. He's been stressed with his job lately, and I think autumn/winter really affects him negatively. He's used the stress as his reason for not wanting sex, and claims that he isn't masturbating either, but I'm just not sure I believe him. I have no reason to think he's cheating, so can't help but think it's me. I have put on a tiny bit of weight, and maybe he just doesn't get excited by me anymore. We both also think he has ADHD, and I know some men can lose interest in things that no longer give them the dopamine hit, so maybe because I'm not new, young or exciting to him anymore, he's lost sexual interest in me. I've tried talking to him but he just blames stress. Hence why I'm reaching out to you all to see if anyone else has had a similar experience, especially so early in a relationship and/or with a partner with ADHD!

Hi. I hope you dont mind a man putting in input. I rarely ever post in here but feel I might possibly have some answers for you and have also possibly found some answers for myself after reading your post.

I was disgnosed with ADHD as an adult and if I analyse my early relationships before I was diagnosed, I did lose interest in sex with my partners eventually, eventhough I consider myself someone with a high sex drive. I wasnt cheating but I was still totally thinking about sex with other people despite losing interest in sex with my partners. It just didn't seem exciting any more which I now realise must have been awful for them. I also felt absolutely terrible about this and thought I was a shitty person forva number of years.

Ive been medicated for years now and I no longer have this problem, so maybe it was related to the dopamine hit I was getting from that exciting new relationship sex, which then dwindled when things became more routine. It certainly wasn't the fault of my partners who I weirdly still found objectively attractive despite no longer being particularly interested in sex with them. So please don't blame yourself. Im not a doctor, but perhaps if your partner was to get diagnosed and medicated this is something he could overcome.

I'm sorry but if he is t interested in having sex with you, then don't fry and persuade him. Your relationship is still new and fresh so this isn't normal. Don't waste time trying to fix it as plenty of MN posters know

Thank you so much for your reply! Interesting to hear it from the point of view of a man with ADHD, though it has confirmed my fears; that he is not excited by me sexually anymore, yet feels that way about others. I think if it was just a lack of sex drive generally (which he claims it is but I don't believe) then I wouldn't feel so bad, but the thought of him feeling this way about others just makes me feel awful and quite angry to be honest. He's in the process of being referred by the GP for possible ADHD, so I guess it's just a waiting game. Just don't know how much longer I can be patient for. My confidence is at rock bottom and I'm starting to feel very insecure and paranoid that he will seek his dopamine hit from another woman behind my back. Do you mind me asking you how long it took for things to change once you were on medication? Scrabbling around for some hope in what feels like a dire situation.

I'm sorry, that sounds like a shitty situation If he's like me, he'll be feeling awful too and extremely confused why he feels like this. But please remember I am one person, so everything I say is purely anecdotal. Good news is that ADHD meds work instantly. They may start on a lower dose to begin with but normally they go up to full dose pretty quickly. The difficult part is getting diagnosed as an adult. I really hope that you get a good outcome and feel free to ask me anything.

Sorry for my slow reply. It really is a shitty situation! I have no doubt that he feels bad, but not quite sure he actually knows it causes by ADHD. I think the worst thing for me is thinking that maybe he is attracted to others in that way. Some may say that's only natural, but knowing that he probably doesn't feel that way about me as well is just awful. Maybe getting ahead of myself but also now worried I wont be able to completely trust him with other women if he's got to get that dopamine hit. If you don't mind me asking, would you say you otherwise felt in love/as into your partners even though you didn't want to have sex with them? Hard to know where to go from here. Thank you for all your advice.

You met less than a year ago and no sex for five months. It's ok to really just think about what you want. There'll be someone who is just right for you and also wants to jump on you... I know it's hard to leave someone. I just understand your feelings of rejection and know I couldn't do it.