Married but confused

[Rainraingo]

Not sure where to go or what I expect from posting but here we go...

Happily married for 12 Years, two children are 10 and 6. Things are good and sex life is fine.

I've always been someone who isnt just attracted to men and would always appreciate a good looking woman.

Things have changed over the years and I've found more woman attractive than men however over the last few months all I can think about is how attractive women are. I'm having dreams about having sexual experiences with women to the point where I'm now confused about my sexuality and like there's something missing.

Is this a normal feeling, its definitely not something I can explore while married but the feeling just won't go away. I've mentioned it to DH briefly but don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough but he hasnt said much. If we watch porn together and i always pick women only videos as i dont get much from woman&male videos.

Has anyone had similar? Feeling a bit lost but the feeling of something being missing is constantly on my mind

I am male but in a very similar situation. I have always considered myself straight, always had GFs and now happily-ish married. Over the last few years I have been getting stronger and stronger feelings about being with a man, and being able to very much appreciate the male form, when I would not have done when younger.

I also tend to seek out male/male porn when we use it together, which DW is happy with herself.

I am unsure if its just a "getting older" thing in that its just something that I have not tried and am curious about, or if my sub-conscious is telling me something else.

DW have also discussed it briefly and it comes up as a fantasy type conversation during sex occasionally, but like you I couldn't do anything about it while married. Its really bizarre.

You are definitely not alone!

I think it's very easy to be swept along on a heterosexual path before you have ever really had chance to question or explore your sexuality. Different sexualities were a lot more taboo just a few decades ago too.

Real life, careers and then busy families means you probably don't feel like you have even had a moment to think about what your desires and needs are for a decade or more? Suddenly you're approaching 40 and whether it's changing hormones or finally having a bit more time... It's really not uncommon to start wondering about those 'what ifs' a bit later in life!

Thanks for the replies. It's good to know I'm not alone as it definitely felt like that.
@LikeMindedLady were you part of the thread that was created for women to chat about feeling similar? I read about the thread but couldn't find it. Would be great to chat to women in a similar position

There are many of us out there, Several released to explore their Bi feelings after divorce.
It is more than temper or feeling "That's it done with men for ever". It is deeper, stronger.
I met a woman in early December we are both single now, we have been seeing each other since. Children are the complication here.

I'm a male happily married to my wife but we both have long had bi feelings and we have many both FFM and MMF sex with full intimacies.

Try it, if you both agree. It has opened up a while new world for us which we both really enjoy

@Rainraingo You are not definitely alone, I have been having very similar feelings recently and recently posted about this.

My PMs are open if you want to chat

@Rainraingo my recent thread on this is here:
https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4783762-butterflies-and-occasional-strange-feelings-towards-other-women?reply=125433161

Thanks for this topic and flagging the other chat too
I know I am definitely in this position and agree with the being swept up in heterosexuality path- I do hope there is more acceptance in freedom to make choices for my kids and younger generations. I do keep wondering what I will do when they grow up and whether to explore this further. Happy to chat.

I'm in a very similar position.
I really enjoy looking at women, when I do have ' me ' time I do think about a woman ( no one in particular ) just a woman.

Maybe I'm confused or maybe I'm just looking for something a little different.
If any of you have any good advice, I'd love to hear it.

@Rainraingo yes, I was on a thread that led to an unofficial support/ chat group of sorts. That thread got taken down unfortunately. MN were quite clear we could discuss these things on MN threads but as they couldn't 'police' an external chat group we couldn't direct people there anymore. We tried having similar chats here for a while but got fed up of people coming on just to bash bi / non-monogamous / alternative relationship styles.

The last two years have been an eye opener... I had no idea before, but there's multiple options for women wanting to meet women for physical encounters/ to 'play' and some people do explore in that way. Most people though aren't 'sex people' and often just want to chat with women in a similar position and feel a bit less alone (and discuss films / books / TV shows with hot female leads!) and build a bit of a support network.

Similar to me. I go between deciding I'm straight to being 50/50 bisexual. There's been times of my life I've only gone for women, other times I only like men. I never seem to fancy anyone in real life, maybe because I'm happy with my husband... but I fancy male celebrities. I masturbate to mainly women or a male actor I fancy. Recently I'm craving being with a woman again. I know labels shouldn't matter but it's fucking with my head and I just want to know what I am.

You are right @Bexx87 labels really don't matter! But, if you feel you want one, 'bisexual' rarely means 50/50... it covers pretty much everything that isn't 100% straight or 100% gay!

For me, it's the label that fits best, if I need to use a label, it covers my past relationships/ experiences/ fantasies and how other people probably see me too. I don't expect I'll ever have sex or a relationship with a man again though, the older I get the more I find in common with other women.

Thanks, so would you say I was bisexual? The only thing I know really is that I'm not gay as I do still have attraction to men, it just rarely happens. I feel like it's more sensual and intimate with a woman and that's what I miss.

Same here, except I have been attracted to women for the last 20 years but just kept it to myself. I acted on it once when I was about 24 and it was amazing but I think I was very blasé about it and just thought every female had a woman-on-woman experience at one point in their life.

I met my now husband when I was 27 and we have been together for 13 years and we have two children.

I am still very much attracted to men on a physical level….for example seeing a nice toned body and a six pack makes me feel very lustful, but with women it’s something else. It’s a completely different feeling. It’s like an infatuation.

When I fantasise it is always about women, I have never fantasised about a man in my whole life.

I do not consider myself straight but I keep that to myself.

I recently had to end a very good friendship because I came to realise that I was attracted to her and my feelings for her were so much stronger than just friendship. I was very honest with her, I told her everything and that I couldn’t see her anymore, but she’s the only person I have ever told.

I think about having 3-somes very regularly but purely for selfish reasons. It’s not an experience I want to have with my husband in terms of fulfilling a joint fantasy, but purely just because it would provide me an opportunity to be sexual with another woman.

I often ask myself, “Would you really put yourself in a situation which would mean your husband will be having sex with another woman, just so you can be physical with one yourself?” - and I absolutely would!

Its all so very confusing.

Very recently broken up with my GF. See earlier post above. Am getting attention from a man, and have met a woman I fancy.
We broke up because GF did not want to 'come out'.
I so wanted to be able to mention in conversation. "Oh enjoyed a weekend in Norfolk with 'Wendy', lovely hotel", meet other friends together.
Because I work with younger very urban people there would be little trouble I think. GF's family would probably refuse to understand.

Comments please, here or PM if personal.

@Emilypost sorry your relationship didn't work out. Coming out is hard, despite how much progress there has been with social attitudes. Facing family members and close friends reactions is a very daunting prospect. Years of comp het brain washing and internalised homo/bi phobia can be had to overcome especially if you've gone under the radar and been 'straight', on paper at least, for all your adult life. No advice, just empathetic to the situation for the both of you.

@LikeMindedLady Thank you for understanding the problem.

Its definitely not uncommon. You’ve been married for a good while and the day to day monotony is only natural. Something new can be very exciting, especially when it feels a bit taboo.

Unfortunately, though you only have three options:
Explore it more with DH
Explore it on your own
Accept it as just a fantasy and nothing more.

@goodf I read through your other thread last night. With this from @Rainraingo It covers everything I think.
The point was made about the suspicion Lesbians have us us 'late developer' Bi women. I was 42. Be wary about overtly Gay Clubs and Pubs. They can get rough anyway.

I've never found gay pubs or clubs to be rough, on the contrary they have been welcoming, friendly and we have had a great night out.... But I have found them to be full of drag artists, gay men, much younger people and hen parties (no problem with any of these btw!) but almost no bi or gay women to be found, especially in the 40+ age group! Where are they all?? 😆

I think it's normal. Sometimes we discover things later in life. In my teens I used to have what we called "kissing practice" with some girl friends. This was allegedly to make us better kisses for the boys. I enjoyed it, but I thought little more of it.

Fast forward to my 30s and I had an awakening. A seemingly innocent invite for a video and a pizza when working away from home resulted in a lot more and took me quite by surprise. It started with her stroking my hair and I never did see the end of the film. I discovered a side of me i did not know existed.