Hi all,
There will probably be others on here who have been through something similar, or who are living in similar circumstances but I am struggling with feelings of regret that I have sacrificed myself, and my life, for someone that just was nothing more than a friend.
Firstly, I’m a woman (51). Secondly, stbx was the only man I had ever slept with (I was brought up to believe sex was for marriage and, stupidly, went along with this). I met him when I was a uni student. I am horrified to say, I was 19 and he was 30! This seems horrible to me now that my eldest child is 19 and so very young and inexperienced.
Stbx and I got on ok. Nothing startling, nothing bad, nothing good (as in, no passion/spark). Two children came from the marriage (like most girls, I’d wanted to be a mother from an early age). I worked hard in my career and was successful in this area. However, something was missing. I didn’t know what. It’s obvious now though. I had accepted my life as it was.
Most of the 25 year marriage has been sexless. There was no spark, chemistry or passion. No affection, no intimacy, nothing. Nobody knew. I told no-one. I was the one who wouldn’t have sex with him as I just couldn’t. He thought I was frigid. He was very poor at anything sexual anyway (little experience himself) and it was like being with a large potato. It was dead - well, this area of our marriage was - but we continued to carry on as a married couple and do stuff you’d normally do (holidays, days out). He is a gentle man, a bit too soft in some ways and we got ok - I now know as friends. Nothing more than friends. Due to being shy as a teenager and young woman, I hadn’t dated anyone else!!
You can guess what happened (after 12 years of no sex, intimacy, no kissing). I went through a bad patch. Menopause. Deaths in the family. Struggles at work. I got involved with someone else - someone married. Someone close in age to myself. Unintentionally! It just happened. I didn’t stop it because it made me feel alive.
My goodness, my world was turned upside down and did I wake up!! I ended my marriage after a lot of heartache and soul searching.
This man is still in my life (usually by messenger or phone ) but we met again last week. I get emotional afterwards as the chemistry between us is amazing and something I’d not experienced before. I feel sad I can’t have that. He is such an affectionate/passionate man. He holds my hand. My husband never did. The way he looks at me is fantastic. The man has been in my life 6 years and, I will give him credit, he has tried to end it numerous times. He knows it is wrong and unfair to everyone. However, he comes back.
This is killing me inside. The fact I can’t have him (of course, he won’t leave his wife) and the fact I have realised the fact that I have continued to live/exist in a marriage of many years with no physical, or emotional really, connection. I have deprived myself of happiness in this area of marriage. I feel distraught about it. I know that this relationship has to stop as it is damaging me a lot. Six years this has gone on for and I cry at night knowing I am laid alone in bed each night. I’m pathetic. I know that. I have tried online dating and get nowhere with it, mainly because I’m besotted with this man and the fact no-one takes my fancy.
What can I do to end this situation and learn to live with what I can’t have? I have no family left to confide in.