No sex life

[Thisismyusername123]

I am 30 and my husband is 34. We have been together for 12 years and have 2 children. before our firstborn came along our sex life was great, it slowed a little after our son was born. 5 years ago we had our second and our sex life has dwindled ever since and is now zero. This is all because of me and my complete lack of drive. I have no confidence, no interest, and the thought of anything intimate makes me literally want to cry. We have spoken openly about this and my husband is very patient and never forces me nor shows annoyance, but I know he is frustrated. I hate myself for this, I feel a failure as a wife. I have been to the doctor's who did some blood tests which were fine and that seems to be where it ended. I can't even bring myself to pleasure him. I still love him and find him attractive, the idea of sex appeals to me but when it comes down to it I shut down. I just don't know what to do and I am so scared how it is affecting my husband and he is too kind to show it.

Find a sex therapist you're comfortable talking to. COSRT is a good organisation to start with. There are lots of things to understand, like stress, lifestyle, health, motivation, history, culture, emotional intimacy... the list goes on, but a therapist will help you work through them in a constructive way.

If the idea of sex appeals and you find your DH attractive, that's half the battle won. Remember, you're not the only one in this position, and you're not broken. You're just looking for help to get yourself to where you want to be, like if you were to go to the gym to see a personal trainer.

And if you can be honest with your DH and he is supportive, your future is bright.
Good luck. ❤️

You have pretty much described my wife. I'm the frustrated husband.

I just want to say that at least you've gone for blood tests or seem to at least care. My wife rejects any kind of medical checks (we've heard of hormone imbalance etc) because, and this is how I assume she feels, "It's not her problem and she's fine with things as they are".

So take a positive that you're at least trying to fix things.

Hi, this is tough. The thing to remember is that you are not broken and things can change. I've found the following book really helpful, as it explains how we all have an 'accelerator' and 'brake' whe to comes to desire and sex,both of which are affected by lots of things in life. It sounds like something is hitting your brakes pretty hard atm and the book has helpful ways to think about this and suggestions of how to move forward. A good first step.

https://www.amazon.co.uk/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090

I’d definitely see a sex therapist as it’s clear your husband isn’t happy with the situation and you’re both young so a shame sex if off there cards. Start with that, and hopefully things will improve