Need to talk this one through

[Justaquick1]

Just looking for a bit of friendly advice, don’t know if my feelings are justified or not.

Im a mum to 2 with my youngest being 8 months old. Been with my husband for 10 years. Before kids we had a very adventurous and enjoyable sex life. After having the first it took a while for our sex life to get back to pre kids but we got there and found plenty of time to enjoy ourselves.

Then we had a second and finding the time is getting harder and harder, but we fit it in here and there. I’ve tried hard to lose the baby weight and try to look after myself when I get the time. Yesterday I had the chance to pamper myself for a bit, so thought after the kids had gone to bed let’s have a bit of fun.

Got myself dressed up, put some music on and surprised my husband. I gave him a lap dance (something that’s well out of my comfort zone and I’ve probably done 3 times in the 10 years we’ve been together) but I felt confident and sexy so why not!

He couldn’t get hard…

Im feeling totally embarrassed and humiliated. I can’t believe I put myself out there like that. I keep cringing thinking back to it now. All that’s going through my head is that he just no longer finds me attractive.

Ive tried to shrug it off and be lighthearted about it, but I can’t even look him in the eye. I’ve told him I don’t want to talk about it right now as I just don’t know how to process this one.

Oh so sorry to hear. Please don't feel embarrassed although easier said than done. What you did was brilliant and good recognising that side of your relationship needed some TLC. I bet in more normal times pre kids he would have been rock hard at such a gesture.

I suspect if the third time in ten years after somewhat of a drought, he got stage fright and temp ED. Talk to him, and ask what he thought..ie would he have liked it and what happened..perhaps build up to it more in future?

What MN is full of is people letting that side slide for years after kids and suddenly wonder why they end up unhappy and divorced

It's good that you recognise the lack of intimacy. Maybe the sudden lap dance overwhelmed him a little.
He's probably feeling mortified too. Please talk and maybe seek some couples counselling, it's better to seek assistance to talk out these issues early than leave them fester until It's too late. I'm speaking from experience here of going through hurt and pain by not addressing issues within my own relationship.

Oh I can imagine how excruciating this was. I’m feeling it here. We all do things like this though so please don’t hold onto it or torture yourself going over it. And definitely don’t read too much into it.
The whole pampering yourself and getting ready will have been a kind of foreplay for you and for whatever reason he hasn’t managed to get himself into the right zone/mind set in time. And he’s hurt your feelings. This is not just on you and very unlikely to be related to how you look, it’s just one of those things.

He should be well aware how you are feeling and reassuring you though, whilst carrying his own embarrassment. I think to fix this you need to have sex soon. This is what I would suggest to him. Then you can put it to bed.

Definitely talk to him
Dont be thinking it has anything to do with your attractiveness when there’s so many other reasons it could be.

Work things out together, and never feel embarrassed for making an effort.

You're feeling mortified and you bet so is he. Others are right that you need to talk. Keep trying, but I'd suggest that because this has happened, next time may need a slower warm up.
One thing to bear in mind is that (a) use it or lose it can apply and/or (b) if you're not having sex very often, he may be masturbating and/or using porn. If it's the latter, that can kill desire

Thank you for the replies!
Weve spoken and you’re right he’s feeling just as embarrassed as me, for his own reasons.
He said he doesn’t know what’s gone on but assured me he still finds me attractive 😂
Unfortunately we won’t be able to jump back into it this weekend but should be able to find time Monday. Just not feeling it now though. Need to give myself a talking to!
I think you’re all right, I threw us in the deep end far too quickly! I’ll warm up next time!

There's some really excellent advice here. I've been here (as a husband) when DW has done something really sexy, out of the blue, and things just didn't happen for me physically.

I think being taken by surprise, especially after a bit of a dry spell takes a bit of processing in the moment which can impact the ability to get aroused. The thoughts go something like, "Oh, wow! What's she doing? This is fantastic! But where's this come from all of a sudden? Er, right, I need to respond. To get an erection sorted". And bit of internal pressure mounts rather than being able to relax and enjoy the moment. And then when it doesn't happen (even though you want it to) you feel frustration and share her awkwardness.

But....the thing is you are really grateful and excited in retrospect that she took a sexy initiative. And kind of hope it might happen again some time.

It's not you. It's not that he doesn't find you attractive any more. You're doing exactly the right thing trying to get back on track with intimacy after all the stresses and distractions of young parenthood. I bet he's really pleased you did this. Talk it through with him, as others say. Communication is key. Maybe next time arrange a specific time to do something sexy that you can both anticipate and look forward to.

@Iloveabaconbutty
Thank you that’s a really great reply and makes a lot of sense.
I think deep down I knew it wasn’t me. It’s just hard not to take it personally. It’s also embarrassing to step totally out of your comfort zone and not get the reward for doing so.
I don’t think I could pluck up the courage to do something like that again now, so maybe planning something to look forward to together is the right route!

I'm sure everything will be fine. All the best!

In terms of courage to do it again. I wouldn’t mentally file it as ‘something you’d not do again’. You’ll want to to protect yourself from the hurt, but you’re then filing it away in an ‘embarrassing’ space….it would be kinder not to do this.

I would think of it as ‘something you might do if the mood takes you’, for me it might be after a few drinks, probably in the summer when I had not much to remove anyway. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing.

I’m glad you are feeling happier anyway. Hope Monday goes well!