ED at 30

[Lifech]

NC as I don’t want any friends knowing we have this issue.

Partner is 30 and even from the early days he has struggled to either get or maintain an erection. I knew back then it was a confidence issue so I let him deal with it in his own way and it slowly improved.

However it happens during each ‘performance’ these days. He can easily get an erection if I’m naked and trying it on (when he’s in the mood) but as soon as we begin sex he goes soft.

He has taken viagra on 2 occasions which worked wonders, but it made him very dizzy and feeling sick afterwards which lasted into the next day. I don’t want him to feel under pressure to use them, particularly as his job involves driving so its not safe to use them often.

I have also noticed that he rarely has an erection in the mornings, which I know is very typical for men to wake up with one. I’m now wondering if it isn’t a confidence issue but a medical problem. He works long hours so he is tired most days, but even if we attempt sex on a Saturday morning after a lie in we still have this issue. There’s no porn or death grip issue involved, he does have a low libido but I thought even with that factor an erection should still be a possibility.

It has made me resentful over time as I feel ugly and unwanted. I’ve never been with a man who desired me and wanted sex all the time so I feel like I’m the problem. It also makes me feel cheap that I have to initiate to get any form of intimacy outside of hugs and kisses, and when he turns me down or can’t get an erection I feel shame. He’s never initiated before or made me feel beautiful or sexy so this issue makes me feel worse. I know he must be feeling crap that he can’t use his penis the way other men can, but he must surely realise that my feelings matter too. he doesn’t seem to understand or care my needs are affected when I have controlled a high libido very well throughout this. It doesn’t help we only get the opportunity once a fortnight, twice at most.

I have always tried to reassure him it’s ok, but more recently I broke down in tears because I couldn’t handle it anymore after yet another disappointing sex attempt, while my parents had my children for the night and there were no distractions. He knows how I feel and spoke to a doctor who told him it was psychological as he’s too young for it to be physical. I disagree. He had blood tests which came back normal, but it can’t be normal for a 30 year old man to have this issue.

I don’t know where we can go from here because I do love him and we have a fantastic family and relationship together, but sex is a huge deal to me and I can’t live my life in a sexless relationship at 30. I couldn’t break up a family because I’m not getting sex, it would be wrong of me. If I were a man pressuring a woman to have sex it would be wrong in the same sense.

Can anyone share their experiences please? I have no one in real life to speak to about this, and I wouldn’t want to embarrass him by asking anyone without his permission. Sorry it’s such a long post, it helped to get it all off my chest although it’s made it more real now it’s out.

Was the Viagra under prescription? If so, he should go back to the doctor, explain the problem and look to be prescribed Tadalafil

If not, doctor appointment is the obvious first step

Plus one for tadalafil, gives me a stuffy nose for a few hours similar to Viagra but no way near the head rush and flushed feeling.

Also no need to take so much, I find 1/4 of a tablet to be enough

An additional benefit of Tadalafil (original brand name Cialis) is that its effects last far, far longer than Viagra (Sildenafil). In fact up to 36 hours compared to Viagra's 4-6. This means there is no sense of pressure to have sex within a fairly short time span. Which might help him relax if there are psychological issues going on or if he's simply tired. Tadalafil is readily available over the counter at the chemist and online from reputable national pharmacies.

I'd definitely say another visit to the GP is advisable though just to see if there's anything else a professional might suggest.

I hope you can get things sorted. It sounds in all other respects that you've got a great thing together.

I'd have him to the GP and have his prostate checked.

Do have him see a doctor, and DON’T take it personally. Steel-rod erections aren’t a guarantee for everyone. Maybe I’ve posted this before, but I think it helps to think of erections like eyesight. Some are born with perfect vision and keep it their whole life. Some can’t ever focus that well. If he wears glasses you wouldn’t be thinking “maybe if he REALLY fancied me he would be able to focus on me without vision correction”. It certainly isn’t you.

Good luck…if you can find the right answers it will be well worth it.

100% this, he really needs to push for urology referral as well to deal with chronic ED

Does he wear a condom for sex? That can be an issue, especially if he's on the large size and the condom is a standard fit effectively throttling the blood supply into the penis.

Other things. How often does he masturbate? If he does frequently, even if not a death-grip, he may be is just very used to the feel of his own hand.... And if he's secretly knocked one out half-an-hour before you try to dtd, that's not going to help either.

Finally, could it be the position you get into for sex? If it's one he finds awkward for whatever reason then that's also not going to help.

It's not you.

And if the doctor said 'It's psychological' did they then go on to give any advice or treatment?? Just because 'it's psychological' doesn't mean it's not a problem!

Do you think he is actually that bothered? Would he rather just do oral and other things, or is he uninterested in sex generally? Is he afraid of you getting pregnant?

I think I'd ask him if he'd consider therapy to explore his own needs and function. But it's also possible as you say that he's just not that into sex.

Thank you everyone.
No condoms and we only have sex in missionary on the rare occasions we manage sex as other positions are too difficult for him.
The viagra was from an online pharmacy so he did speak to a pharmacist before they prescribed it, he didn’t want to go to his gp.
He claims he doesn’t watch porn or masturbate, but I find this highly unlikely as a 30 year old couldn’t go weeks or months without relief imo. If it is true then maybe the issue is worse than I’m aware.
I will ask him to see a doctor and get a full check up as we can’t continue like this, thank you again.

Forgot to add there has never been any foreplay as he doesn’t like it. He says he wants sex and feels embarrassed we can’t have a healthy sex life, but his lack of actions make me think he just doesn’t care or he would be trying to fix it asap or find other ways to be intimate.

He doesn't like foreplay of any kind?! He just wants to put it straight in with no warm up, verbal or physical? Hmm, that is a problem if so, as I was going to suggest focussing on that rather than making the focus intercourse itself.

Also, I'm guessing that's a problem for you too as, however up for sex you are, the build up and foreplay are as much a part of sex as intercourse itself for most women. It's like trying to eat a chicken before you've put it in the oven to cook!

You're incompatible. Time to move on.

I'd even be questioning his sexuality at this point given what you've written.

Or try it at home - he might enjoy that!

But a visit to the GP is important

Or try it at home - he might enjoy that! But a visit to the GP is important

If it was purely "mechanical" then he'd be up for foreplay and interested in finding a solution.

That’s your problem, in his head sex is all about PIV & that is getting him in a cycle of failure that will be difficult to break out of

No foreplay?? What, no touching, licking, kissing all over, dirty talk, playing, moving around, roleplay, toys, pictures, sexting, weird positions you end up getting cramp in, anything....?

I'm going to be honest. Is this worth it for you? Is the best you're going to get a slightly improved missionary shag, slightly less infrequently?

I love the missionary position, it's my favourite. But.... really??

Only just seen your update. No foreplay? I find that really shocking. There's so many ways to enjoy each others bodies and collectively I'd put them above PIV.

I don't know what to think other than he's either severely repressed or hiding his sexuality

IF the doctor gives him a clean bill of health and prescribes Taladafil and it works, you might find he's more confident and then happier to engage in foreplay and from there explore a wider menu of activities

We’ve had a similar issue, couldn’t find anything wrong with my husband at all, but he still couldn’t get an erection. He’s now on 5mg tadalafil daily and takes 20mg of tadalafil as a boost if he thinks we might have sex. Sometimes he’ll take a viagra in the morning if we have the chance but viagra doesn’t work for him at all unless he has an empty stomach. Also, even with all of that, if he’s worried we’ll get interrupted his erection will go completely. It’s truck and I feel for you as we’ve gone from a great sex life to 1 or 2 a month, but he has to want to find a solution.