Fisting and later realising I didn't want it

[PeacefulPottering]

Just that really.
I was 28, in a relationship with my bf of four years. We had a two year old. Our sex life was usually okay, he came back from the pub and I usually waited for him to come back, full-on lingerie, in bed. On this occasion he was agressive, not anything concerning, just hi bitch, I'm going to shag you. I remember him not achieving climax so he stopped and started to put three fingers in me. I was not turned on so squirmed away. Said I'd had too much to drink and wasn't feeling it. He put his whole hand in suddenly. I remember feeling so shocked and literally could not move
It's stayed with me 20 years. I'm 52 now and still can't believe he did it and I lay there and let him. It makes me feel sick.

Sorry, the title was misleading, I didn't want it or expect it

Sexual assault, OP. I’m not a fisting fan, but I have a friend who’s into it (honestly, he’s a man) and he said the main thing with fisting is that it’s done with care and consent, not a drunken act of force. It’s not safe done like that and I think for a lot of women it would be really traumatic. I am frightened of the thought of it myself. Have you ever spoken to someone about it in a professional context, there are sexual abuse helplines, it doesn’t have to have been recent.

247sexualabusesupport.org.uk

The Support Line is for anyone aged 16+ in England and Wales who has been affected by rape, child sexual abuse, sexual assault, sexual harassment or any other kind of sexual violence or abuse – no matter when or where it happened.
This includes people who have experienced something sexual that they didn’t want, didn’t consent to or are feeling confused about.

Hi OP. I’m so sorry for your pain, what a dreadful experience for you. You didn’t ‘let him’ do this to you, your body froze as a response to protect you from harm. This wasn’t sex, it was a sexual assault. Absolutely no part of this was on you, you hold no blame. I just wanted to echo the previous poster and encourage you to seek a professional to talk through your experience and work towards healing. Wishing you strength 💗

Absolutely sexual assault, I'm sorry you suffered that. You didn't let him do anything.

Please consider reaching out for professional help

What a horrible bastard! "hi bitch, I'm going to shag you?!". God almighty, and that's far from the worst, not even scratching the surface! Be strong, and reach out for professional advice if required. Makes you sick, that.

This is awful. I'm so very sorry that you've had to carry this for so many years. I'm assuming that you're not still with this man? I want to echo everything that previous posters have said and encourage you to seek out professional help. This isn't your fault. As others have said you didn't "let him". He selfishly and brutally did things to you which you had no control over. I truly hope you can yet find healing after such a traumatic experience.

Thank you all for your responses. I am going to my GP to ask for counseling and be referred. Thank you all for understanding.

Best wishes to you. I’m so glad that you’re taking this step. Big, big hugs xx

I’m clenching my arse cheeks just thinking about that, sounds awful 😢